Monitoring Appt 1

Yesterday was Cycle Day 7, 3 doses of letrozole down.
I arrived at the clinic at 8:30am and was slightly surprised to see how busy it was. Usually I'm about the only person there but this time the waiting room was full. I can't help but feel a tiny bit out of place as I look around the room. Most the woman there look to be in their late thirties to mid-forties. I feel like a kid. : /  It's probably all in my head but it seems like they all swivel when I walk in the room. Like they don't think I should be there. Which is a stupid way to feel, but there it is I guess. There was a lady in a scrub set with very short severe cut. Another lady that looked mildly dressed up also with a short cut, big hoop earrings, and nice voice. And a couple who looked so much alike in appearance but so different in age that I almost would have thought she was his mother if we were in a different doctor's office. As I was waiting another woman pulled up in a teeny tiny mini skirt and sky high heels, holding her sneakers in one hand, she looked maybe a little younger than my mom. I can't help but wonder what her story is. This is what I do by the way. I do it everywhere I go. I people watch and imagine their stories. Its how you learn to write relatable characters and its how I make myself feel safe in any given situation. And I don't do it by staring most people probably don't even know I'm watching them from the corner of my eye.
In just a few minutes I'm called back by a very young very friendly nurse. She mentions my haircut which surprises me because its been almost a month and I've been back to the clinic a half a dozen times and she's the first person to comment on it. It relaxes me and I find myself chattering back and forth about short hair vs long hair. Which was probably her exact intent. The dr comes in and tells me that today we're just doing an ultrasound and no bloodwork because quote 'it liiess'. Yeah he really did draw out the word lies. I kinda stared at him and he explained that letrozole would cause false readings. Oh well that makes a little  more sense then. The ultrasound is over quickly. And he tells me that I have three follicles making a go of it on my left ovary. The largest one of which is 12mm. He's not worried about my lining being thin because apparently it can't grow when you are on letrozole but it catches up quickly afterwards. However I seem to be responding very well and he's thinking of changing up my medications. They'll call me later for sure.
I get home and embark on yet another whirl wind cleaning expedition with my mom/chauffer. I can't help but wonder why I'm apparently not allowed to go to the drs office by myself. But oh well company :) . Today we're tackeling the office slash future baby's room. Which is by far the worst room in the house. It currently houses the litter box and has a very odd shape that has become a catch all for every piece of junk in my house not to mention that it also houses my insane collection of photography props. We worked on it for six hours. In the end we had a car load of stuff that went to Goodwill and another carload that went to the dump. But its clean and organized now. With all my prop stuff in brand new totes properly labeled and stacked out of the way. The carpet spotbot-ted in places that needed where my cats have ridiculously bad aim and vacummed. I can't wait til we do this remodel. I'm creating a cat closet just for them, complete with tiled floors, tiled lower walls, and a cat door so nobody has to look at or smell the litterbox but them. We'll also be adding in a closet and a shower and a vanity and ...well that's a story for another time I guess.
At 4:30 I got the call from the drs office to take my fourth dose of letrozole that night, but not the 5th dose the next night because they want me to start my injects. Also to come back in on Saturday morning for another ultrasound and bloodwork. Yikes! So I call my bff, who happens to be a surgical tech. She had in the past promised to help me with my injections. She answers the phone in walmart where she is shopping for supplies for her vacation. My heart drops. She proceeds to tell me they're going on a last minute spur of the moment 4 day vacation to see another one of her friends in Virginia and they're leaving in the morning. Crap, crap, crap. Looks like I'll be doing my injects on my own. My mom is rather pissed at her, my husband is definitely pissed, but I'm trying my best to understand. I don't expect her to drop everything and come running when I call. I am a little hurt that all of her talk of 'I'll do anything you need to help you out during all this, anything, just call' is kinda just smoke in the wind. But when it all comes down to it...I'm a big girl and I can do this myself dammnit. I don't need her to do it, or my dad, or my husband. I can do this...and tonight I will.
It feels like everything is moving so fast!

Here we go!

Here we are at the starting line. The pistol's been fired. Lets go.
Today was my baseline appointment and endometrial biopsy.
I got the all clear from the doctor to start my medicine, which for the next 5 nights consists of 7.5 mg of Letrozole. And for the next 14 mornings a half tablet of Dexamethason. DH also gets to start his zpack of antibiotics. Lucky guy 5 pills and he's done with his side of the prepping.
The endometrial biopsy was not fun. The nurse advised me ahead of time to take 800 mg of ibuprofen which at first I didn't think much of  til I looked at the bottle of ibuprofen on my counter. Those tablets are only 200mg and you're not supposed to exceed 400mg in like a six hour span. I immediately began wondering exactly how bad is this supposed to hurt!?
On top of that I was a little worried about getting a full bladder. Trivial worry right. Well I'm the kinda girl who can sip on a canned coke all...day...long. Too much liquid tends to make me burp alot and feel quite sickly. Turns out one full 20 oz gatorade and a canned coke equals a full bladder for me. I felt like I was going to get sick before I finished the gatorade but I only had an hour and a half to get to full bladder status. Now that I know the magic amount I'll be prepared come the next time a procedure calls for a full bladder.
Back to the biopsy. It does hurt. Quite a bit actually. For me it felt like my strongest, sharpest, menstrual cramp ever x5. Course I don't usually get menstrual cramps. Thankfully it only lasted maybe a minute and then the doc was more worried about getting my cervix to stop bleeding from the 'pinch marks' where he had to grab onto it apparently. Ugh. I didn't cramp anymore after that was finished. Doc told me that I was 'a strong woman'. Hmm really. Or do you just say that to all your obviously nervous patients.  Oh and that most likely that would be the worst pain up til actual childbirth in this whole process. Which hey, I'll take that!
Which by the way the biopsy isn't for pathology purposes. In fact they aren't even testing it at all. Apparently there are several studies out there that point to this procedure and a similar one called 'scratching' as increasing the rate of implantation. I think of it like pruning a tree or a bush. When you cut off small piece during the right time, the plant redoubles its growth effort and many times two limbs grow from the space where there used to be one. Make sense?
I go back for my first monitoring appointment on Thursday.
In the meantime I've been trying to clean house like crazy. I've been joking with the hubs that I'm 'nesting'. haha. This seems to be my way of being positive. A part of me is preparing for the worst outcomes, but the front I have to put out is cleaning house like a mad lady, a real deep cleaning like it hasn't seen since we moved in 5 years ago, so that it'll be easier to keep clean during pregnancy and closer to its ideal situation when a baby arrives. I don't really think I believe that spiel, but if it keeps people off my back and keeps my mind and body busy its worth every second. Right now I've got 3 out of 7 areas clean.
It is so hard to balance hope and fear right now. I feel like I have three modes right now. Full out psyched and excited, full out terrified, and right smack dab in the middle where I don't really feel anything. No mix.