It should be called the IF shuffle. Except there's no music. Just the sound of your own heart beating, the silence in the room, the tears you refuse to cry.
Right now we're in tortuous limbo yet again. We finally managed to do our third SA. They called yesterday to let us know the results were in and to schedule an appointment. They refused to let us have the results without an appointment which I frankly think is just blackmail. Especially since we sure as heck are not going forward with this Uro. Good or bad it doesn't change that fact. The appointment is on Monday. I'm a little pissed that we have to wait a whole nother weekend, but I'm more pissed about letting go of that copay when I know its going to be wasted and could be used for something else. We're operating under the assumption that everything is still horrible. We know for a fact it couldn't get any worse, but we aren't expecting it to get better either. It's a way to guard ourselves. Prepare for the worst and be pleasantly surprised if that doesn't happen.
Our step forward, DH finally opened up about our IF to his family. This week while his father was in for triple bypass surgery (he's out and doing good by the way) he confided in his family. This is a huge step for him. It made me happy to hear that he was willing to share. It made me just a tad giddy that his brother suggested a sperm donor as a solution to our problems. I have for the recorded suggested this only twice before, once before we knew what the problem was and we were going over all possible outcomes and solutions and once after. DH has been very much against it. I don't even bring it up because he has such a strong reaction to the option. Yay that someone close to him brought it up for me and even more yay that that someone was a man. I kinda feel a little guilty about those yay's.
Our two steps back. I decided a little while ago that I wasn't in the right mental frame of mind yet to truly consider adoption. Not with an open heart. And I refuse to go into it, if there's a chance at all that I wouldn't ever accept this path as the right one. Maybe one day it will be, but not until I know I've done all I can to have a child of my own, to be pregnant even just once. I told DH that for now I want to take adoption off the table. No more talks, no more suggestions. For now it's not an option that I can find peace with. Unfortunately he didn't seem to get that memo that off the table means off the table. We watched Shark Tank, a couple on there adopted. He looks at me and goes, "Look at that beautiful little girl that they ADOPTED." and yes he really did emphasis it like that. I didn't say anything just left the room. It irked me though. He brought it up in the car about a week ago. I reminded him that I didn't want to talk about it right now. Today he did it again. Out of the blue his voice came from the living room, "Hey would you be interested in adopting out of the country instead?" I got up from desk, patiently explained that it would cost just as much if not more to do so. When he said donor sperm was off the table months ago I haven't brought it up again. I refused to make him feel pressured or guilty for that decision. He can't even leave my option off the table for a few weeks. I got a little angry, I admit. I reminded him again that I wanted it off the table for a little while. He kept pushing. So I pushed back, 'why are you so gungho about adoption if you won't even consider a sperm donor.' We got into an emotional conversation. It never got heated enough to become an argument but it still wasn't pleasant. He couldn't explain his stance. All the problems that he has with a sperm donor are the same ones we would face through adoption and then some. I told him that I wouldn't bring it back up again, that it was his position to do so and that he shouldn't bring adoption back in to the conversation because that was my position to do so. Afterall we're not going forward with anything unless we're both on board, right? He closed down a few minutes in, sat sulking on the couch tapping on his knee, and then went to bed about three hours early.
I probably shouldn't have pushed back. But I can't help but feel that his stance is incredibly unfair. There's nothing wrong with me that we've been able to find. Why shouldn't I get that experience? And if the tables were reversed I would be fine with an egg donor, hell I would even be fine with a surrogate, because it would be related to at least one of us. It wouldn't bother me at all. I feel like he's saying if I can't be a biological parent then neither can you. And then I get angry and then I feel guilty for getting angry. And I feel like he's pushing and pressuring me towards adoption and I'm not ready. And then I get angry all over again.
I hate that this journey seems to be built on anger and guilt, anger and guilt sprinkled with massive doses of sorrow and just enough hope that it hurts when you get knocked on your ass.
Oh and no call back from that job so I guess that didn't pan out either :(
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