A Little Update

We've being having internet difficulties so I haven't been able to jump on here and update as often as I might have liked lately.
So the quick rundown...
Dh went for his testing almost two weeks back. The RE office has decided to keep the results tight-lipped so I'm assuming that they're bad and are waiting to tell me in person.
My first ever monitoring appointment went well. The vag cam was not a horrible as I had imagined it to be, in fact pap smears hurt so much worse. The RE on call that day was not the doctor we originally saw but his partner. I found I liked her almost as much as I liked the original dr, so all in all I feel pretty confident I'm in good hands no matter the day. She said I had ' a lot of eggs' and she said in kinda a surprised tone of voice. Which naturally confuses me. Perhaps she meant follicles, since aren't we supposed to only grow and release one maybe two unless otherwise medicated?
We still haven't gotten the results back on my Counsyl testing, but I'm hoping that will be in soon.
But I did receive a note from my doctor saying that the results from the other testing was back and that we had an outstanding prognosis from an egg production standpoint. Whoop, I guess?
The blood draw hurt like a mother for some reason and now a little over a week later I still have a big nasty purple and green bruise in the crook of my elbow. It will surprise me greatly if it is gone completely by my next appointment.
Which by the way is scheduled for Monday. We go back in to go over all the results and to get our plan of action.
Dh and I have already decided to go with Natural Cycle IVF since we really can't afford the full blown variety, and I refuse to get a loan. The idea of writing a check every month if it should fail is in and of itself already so depressing, I refuse to consider it. We're hoping that the RE will let us do a slightly altered version of Natural IVF with clomid, so it would kinda sorta be Mini IVF and that that type of protocol wouldn't raise the price too much. I would really like to have more than one harvestable egg, to up our chances. The way I see it once you get a transferable embryo the chance for it to take is really no less than regular IVF its the getting that embryo that drags the NCIVF stats way down.
Switching gears really quickly, as far as my foot goes, the pain has almost moved back into the realm of background noise even though we're still waiting for the orthotics to come in. Heck I'm still waiting for the confirmation that the orthotics will even be made. We'll see.

One final IF related note.
I got really angry at a Regions radio commercial the other day. It started off innocuously enough talking about a kitchen remodel. Which eventually moved into homemade baby food. Which wasn't that bad. It was the slight pause after the mention of homemade baby food and the statement 'Move your life forward' that just flew all over me.
I also teared up at the Publix mother's day commercial, the one with the mother and daughter making pinwheels and the daughter talks to the belly. Gah!
And I had a mini tantrum in private at what seemed like the 100th mention of mother's day over the radio station that we play at the store.
I just want to keep the tv off for the rest of weekend and avoid as much of this mother's day crap as possible.

Questions

I'm trying to come up with our list of questions to ask the RE at our consult. The few sites I've found proclaiming to be guidebooks aren't very helpful, at least not to me. I already know that we will have to do some form of IVF due to the severe MFI. That's a given. I know that they prefer single embryo transfers. So this is my list so far...

• Do you offer clinical trials? What are the requirements for participation? What is the likilhood that the trail will be cancelled?
• 3 or 5 day transfers?
• Difference between Natural, Mini, and Conventional IVF? Are we a candidate for all three varities?  Do you practice all three at this clinic?
• Judging by our previous testing what problems do you forsee?
• What tests will need to be repeated?
• If we proceed directly to IVF will I need to have an HSG since my tubes are not in play?
• What additional testing will be required?
• Do you ‘batch’ cycle?
• What would you envision our success rate to be?
• Do you cancel an IVF cycle if the patient produces less than so many follicles?
• Do you have a self-pay or pre-pay discount?
• Do you freeze eggs or embryos?
• What is your Fresh vs Frozen rate?
• Do you use vitrification?
• How much does it cost to freeze?
• Looking to cycle in July or August. What would be our plan of action/calendar?
• Cost of one cycle with drugs?
• How much monitoring will be required?
• Is there a way to have monitoring done at a different location?

I'm also thinking of creating like a table to put all the info about the three types of IVF together. Maybe something like this...

	Natural Ivf	Mini Ivf	Conventional Ivf
Total Cost
Success Rates
Drugs/Protocol
Minimum Monitoring Visits
Recommended
Number of Eggs expected

 Help me build my list of questions,  pretty please with sugar on top?
I want to make the most out of this visit.

Baby Step

A true baby step, a step towards our baby.
Finally, after months and months of either Hubby putting it off, not being able to afford it, or not having time to schedule it, we finally made our appointment with a RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist).
We go on April 9th to see Dr. Murray at Tennessee Reproductive Medicine.
It will be a two hour drive with an hours time difference that will make it feel like three.
I'm going to start putting together a list of questions to ask at our consultation so if anyone has some suggestions let me know.
Now that the ball is finally beginning to roll again, I hurried up and got with both my dr. and Dh's dr. and had our medical info sent over so that they will have everything pertinent at that first visit. I just couldn't wait anymore.
I'm sure the next two weeks are absolutely going to crawl by.

What Fresh Hell

I don't know what to do with myself.
My bad foot is acting up something horrible. To say that it scares me would be an understatement. I panicked on Monday. Full fledged, took my sock off and started to cry, panic.
My foot has never been something pretty to look at. I remember very specifically this one time my mom and I went shoe shopping. I was a teenager, probably looking for dress shoes. I was sitting down with the socks off while she went to go get me a different size and I happened to look down at the mirrors. I stared almost stunned at how ugly it looked, I'd never really thought about it, never really looked, never been subconscious until that moment. By the time she came back my eyes were filled with unshed tears and I was shaking. 'It looks so different," I mumbled, "So bad. It'll never be normal. Why can't it be normal?"  My mother, usually so composed, broke into full blown sobs right there in the shoe store. I was so shocked by her reaction and my very basic need to have her be happy that I stomped on the feelings I had at the moment and tried to console her. "It's okay, don't cry. I can walk, at least I can walk. It doesn't have to be pretty, just as long as it works. And it does okay, so don't cry."
Remembering that day and the fear I feel now brings those tears back. When I took my sock off Monday night after a day of hobbling on it, it looked worse than it has ever been with one exception. A huge blue black bruise circled my 'knot' spreading down towards my big toe out as far as my third toe and halfway down the foot. Darker purple ribbons of color snaked throughout and it was swollen everywhere. The pictures do not show the full extent of how badly it looked and they certainly do not capture my panic. For you see I didn't do anything to it, but walk. I didn't bump it, stub it, or drop anything on top of it. It appeared with no seeming cause or correlation. And the pain that comes with it is nothing to scoff about it. A heavy blanket on top hurts. The new orthopedic shoes I bought last weekend. Yeah you can forget about it, I can't wear them. I'm so lucky I bought three pairs of shoes on that last trip, because only the very last pair I picked up the ones I almost didn't buy are the ones I can wear.

I have been icing it every day twice a day, once after work and once before bed. As you can tell it has improved significantly, but its still swollen and there are still those odd dark ribbons of color on my toe. And it's still very tender. And that knot isn't the only place it's hurting, it isn't even the worse place it hurts. My ankle is so stiff and painful. The tendon that goes down the outside of my ankle is where I feel the most pain and its so swollen there I can't even see that tendon anymore. I limp constantly, wincing from the pain. But most of all worse than the pain is that I'm still scared. The thought of going to the doctor for it scares me. The thought of surgery scares me. The thought of amputation being suggested scares me. The thought of a wheel chair scares me. The thought of never being able to walk scares me. I am so scared right now, I don't know what to do.
This development is making me question so many things. I wonder if I can keep working. I wonder if its even right of me at all to want children, what if this is genetic and not positional as my mother's doctor suggested and I pass on this terrible burden to a child. What if pregnancy is the straw that breaks the proverbial camel's back and I can no longer walk? What if there's a reason we're infertile? What if by the time I'm 30 I'm stuck in a wheelchair?
Ontop of all this, Dh's doctor bills came in. He owes a little over a 1,000 dollars. It's going to have to come out of the Fund. In a few days it will drop from almost 5k to 4k. If I do have to go to the doctor that will also have to come out of the fund. I'm never going to reach my goal. The more that has to come out, the more I have to work, the more damage I do, the more scared I get that something is going to have to give and I don't know what it'll be. My body or my heart.

A Daily Struggle

It seems like anymore every day is a struggle because if it isn't one thing its another.
My hubby's health seems up in the air as always. After a couple of weeks of fluctuating symptoms that could have been an UTI he finally went to the doctor. After discussing his symptoms she threw out a couple of possible diagnosis, uti, kidney stones...cancer. He told me on my lunch break and it was hard as hell to keep it together and hide from my new coworkers that I just wanted to run away kicking, screaming, and bawling my eyes out. After a few very tense days and way too many tests we got the verdict back. Thankfully he's cancer free and uti free and kidney stone free. In short they don't have a clue what's wrong with him. However the doctor noticed he had an abnormal amount of red blood cells. She thought that perhaps that might have been the cause of his wacky symptoms. Tonight he's spending the night away for a sleep study due to suspected sleep apnea. I've been telling him for years that it seems like he stops breathing in his sleep and that it worried and scared me. He's always dismissed it out of hand. I hate that it takes a doctor telling him something for him to take it seriously. When is that man going to learn that I'm (almost) always right, lol.
The good and the bad of the situation is that we've now met his deductible and everything for him from here on out will be covered. The bad is that bill or bills is just hovering out there in limbo waiting to flood our mailbox.
Poor Claire has started pulling her hair out again. Try as we might we can't get her to stop. While we wait for his doctor bills to come in we can't take her to the vet to get a steroid shot. I feel bad for my sweet furbaby.
As for me I'm struggling too. The new job is putting me through my paces and I'm afraid I'm coming up wanting. For the first time in a very long time I'm truly feeling like my surgically corrected club foot is a real disability. Not just frustrating but really disheartening. I haven't had a pain free day in weeks. I searched out a club foot group hoping to get some insight into others dealing with the condition. What I've learned scares me even more. So many members of the group have opted to amputate. They claim that it was the best decision they ever made, that they have no more pain. A fair portion of the others are wheel chair bound. While I always assumed that might one day be my fate I suspected it would happen in the later years of my life, 60's or 70's or so. Instead I'm seeing a lot of 40 year olds who can no longer walk for the pain. It is so scary. I worry that I will lose my ability to walk if I continue working this way, but I can't reach the IVF fund goal without working. One problem feeds off the other like an oroborus. I worry that the damage I do now will haunt me even if we succeed on this hell bent course. What if I can't pickup my child or run and play with them. I'm thinking of finding a good orthopedic doctor but so few have experience with the problems of a post club foot patient and that's more money that will get taken away from the fund which in turn means more time that I have to work. Vicious vicious cycle.
My grandmother gave me $150 for the fund this past weekend. My mother added in another $50. They keep turning the problem over and over in their minds thinking if they can just get  up the money I'll give up working and go back to being almost pain free. They know I won't give up otherwise. I am so grateful for their support.
I've also put in my first portion from my first paycheck into the fund, $197.

One small positive on this roller coaster ride is how much we are enjoying our little 'break'. I like not temping, not obsessing, not scheduling. We still haven't gotten our 'groove' back but without the pressure I feel like its only a matter of time.   

Resilience

Resilience.
That's my new word of the day.
Resilience is defined in two ways

• the ability to become strong, healthy, or successful again after something bad happens
• the ability of something to return to its original shape after it has been pulled, stretched, pressed, bent, etc.

My aim for here on out is resiliency.
IF certainly qualifies as something bad happening, and it is definitely stretching, pulling, and bending every second of our lives.

Our Uro appt was on Tuesday and as I expected we didn't get good news. 150,000/ml with distinct abnormalities. I'm learning to roll with the punches. Dh not so much. He was visibly upset and frustrated. I'm not. It's just another push towards where I feel we will inevitably wind up. IVF. The Uro is keeping him on clomid. The odd guy sang and hummed through our entire appointment again. It didn't ruffle my feathers quite so much this time. However his parting comment did try to inch its way under my skin. 'It may take a year but we'll get this figured out.' In less than one month we will have been at this for 2 years. One fearing there was a problem, and another knowing there was a problem. Nu-uh. I'm not pussy-footing around for another year. You can forget it.
We have however decided to treat this 3 month cycle as a break. Our definition of a break. No charting. No TI. Fewer in-depth IF conversations. No pressure to perform our duties.
Dh will still be taking his medicine. I will be saving as much money as possible from my second job. My family and I will also begin the fundraising process, which quite frankly scares the crap out of me. For a person with a rather well-documented history of what my family calls people-phobia the idea of opening up the extremely private and emotional side of myself is terrifying. But you gotta do what you gotta do.
With some thoughtful advice from my favorite internet ladies, we've decided to go ahead with our RE consult as soon as possible. I'm waiting on my new schedule from work, which I'm supposed to get on Monday at orientation, before making the call. They only book 1-2 weeks in advance so I'm confident we can get in. I won't lie, I'm scared about what they will say. I'm scared that there will be more problems discovered that we didn't know about. I'm scared they will find a reason to say that even IVF is not an option for us.
In related news, Dh gave me his final word on the donor sperm option the night before our Uro appointment. And that word is no. I wish he had never brought it up again. I now have to process no all over again.
And finally on the fundraising front. Our tax refund money came in today and went straight into The Fund. Bringing our total to 4,000.

Why do they think that's okay?

Seriously why do people think its okay to badger other people about their babymaking time-table. Why?!
Today started out crappy with the arrival of cd1. Expected but still crappy. I remember before b/c pills that even though I went super heavy for 5-6 days at a time, I never cramped, got bloated or emotional, had nausea, or bowl distress during my cycle. The worst thing I had to worry about was fatigue, headache, and weakness that could be cured with tuna or a steak.  During b/c I experienced the occasional bowl distress but shorter lighter periods at 3-4 days. After b/c I get the whole freaking shabang almost every month, the only positive being that my periods are down to about 2 days now. So that started off my morning. Yay : /  
After dealing with a bit of unpleasantness with my inlaws I headed out to meet my Nana for a day. It's been way too long since we had a day. Even uncomfortable and sad I was looking forward to it. It was a lot of fun, just pecking around town looking at this and that and basically doing a whole lot of nothing. About an hour before we called it a night, I hear someone call out to us from across the store. It's S. You may remember from a previous blog post the cousin my family adopted who then ran out on us the second she turned 18. That's S. I was in a good mood so seeing her didn't immediately put a rock in my gut for once. I smiled, waved, and watched her approach. She chatted me up about this and that, mostly my parents and the rest of the family. Then she bends over to get eye level with my stomach, reaches out and pats my stomach, and goes, 'Girl, when you gonna start having some babies. It's about time. Don't you think you need to get on that.' I managed to keep the smile on my face but I know my eyes went dead. I could FEEL them get hard. I clenched my teeth and growled, 'No' while my Nana quickly goes, "They're having fun practicing." S laughs then turns back around and goes, "Seriously aren't you like the only grandkid..."
"No," I interjected quickly, " T. is two years younger than me. She doesn't have kids either."
"Oh right, I always forget about T." The conversation thankfully moves away from the topic. She continues on aimlessly somehow missing all the subtle clues that I'm no longer in a good mood and would like the conversation to end. Honestly if you can't pick up on those clues you either a. don't know the person well enough to be asking that level of personal question or b. you don't give a damn in the first place. She finally turns to leave. She only gets about 5 paces away before turning back around and saying, "Really, Cindal, hurry up and start having them kids."  I want to scream at her.  I settle for punching my own hip repeatedly. A few minutes later my Nana asks if I'm feeling alright cause I look a little pale. I brush it off and we head on to the next store. I branch off from her the first chance I get so that I can get my emotions under control. There I am wandering through the shoe aisle all glassy eyed and sniffling trying to keep the tide down. Thank god no one saw me moping. We tried going in a few more stores but I just couldn't recapture my previous contentment so I called it a night, citing weather concerns and encroaching darkness.  
One of these days I'm going to let someone have it for asking those kinds of questions. One of these days...

One step forward, two steps back

It should be called the IF shuffle. Except there's no music. Just the sound of your own heart beating, the silence in the room, the tears you refuse to cry.
Right now we're in tortuous limbo yet again. We finally managed to do our third SA. They called yesterday to let us know the results were in and to schedule an appointment. They refused to let us have the results without an appointment which I frankly think is just blackmail. Especially since we sure as heck are not going forward with this Uro. Good or bad it doesn't change that fact. The appointment is on Monday. I'm a little pissed that we have to wait a whole nother weekend, but I'm more pissed about letting go of that copay when I know its going to be wasted and could be used for something else. We're operating under the assumption that everything is still horrible. We know for a fact it couldn't get any worse, but we aren't expecting it to get better either. It's a way to guard ourselves. Prepare for the worst and be pleasantly surprised if that doesn't happen.
Our step forward, DH finally opened up about our IF to his family. This week while his father was in for triple bypass surgery (he's out and doing good by the way) he confided in his family. This is a huge step for him. It made me happy to hear that he was willing to share. It made me just a tad giddy that his brother suggested a sperm donor as a solution to our problems. I have for the recorded suggested this only twice before, once before we knew what the problem was and we were going over all possible outcomes and solutions and once after. DH has been very much against it. I don't even bring it up because he has such a strong reaction to the option. Yay that someone close to him brought it up for me and even more yay that that someone was a man. I kinda feel a little guilty about those yay's.
Our two steps back. I decided a little while ago that I wasn't in the right mental frame of mind yet to truly consider adoption. Not with an open heart. And I refuse to go into it, if there's a chance at all that I wouldn't ever accept this path as the right one. Maybe one day it will be, but not until I know I've done all I can to have a child of my own, to be pregnant even just once. I told DH that for now I want to take adoption off the table. No more talks, no more suggestions. For now it's not an option that I can find peace with. Unfortunately he didn't seem to get that memo that off the table means off the table. We watched Shark Tank, a couple on there adopted. He looks at me and goes, "Look at that beautiful little girl that they ADOPTED." and yes he really did emphasis it like that. I didn't say anything just left the room. It irked me though. He brought it up in the car about a week ago. I reminded him that I didn't want to talk about it right now. Today he did it again. Out of the blue his voice came from the living room, "Hey would you be interested in adopting out of the country instead?" I got up from desk, patiently explained that it would cost just as much if not more to do so.  When he said donor sperm was off the table months ago I haven't brought it up again. I refused to make him feel pressured or guilty for that decision. He can't even leave my option off the table for a few weeks. I got a little angry, I admit. I reminded him again that I wanted it off the table for a little while. He kept pushing. So I pushed back, 'why are you so gungho about adoption if you won't even consider a sperm donor.' We got into an emotional conversation. It never got heated enough to become an argument but it still wasn't pleasant. He couldn't explain his stance. All the problems that he has with a sperm donor are the same ones we would face through adoption and then some. I told him that I wouldn't bring it back up again, that it was his position to do so and that he shouldn't bring adoption back in to the conversation because that was my position to do so. Afterall we're not going forward with anything unless we're both on board, right? He closed down a few minutes in, sat sulking on the couch tapping on his knee, and then went to bed about three hours early.
 I probably shouldn't have pushed back. But I can't help but feel that his stance is incredibly unfair. There's nothing wrong with me that we've been able to find. Why shouldn't I get that experience? And if the tables were reversed I would be fine with an egg donor, hell I would even be fine with a surrogate, because it would be related to at least one of us. It wouldn't bother me at all. I feel like he's saying if I can't be a biological parent then neither can you. And then I get angry and then I feel guilty for getting angry. And I feel like he's pushing and pressuring me towards adoption and I'm not ready. And then I get angry all over again.
I hate that this journey seems to be built on anger and guilt, anger and guilt sprinkled with massive doses of sorrow and just enough hope that it hurts when you get knocked on your ass. 
Oh and no call back from that job so I guess that didn't pan out either :(

In the Cards

I do a tarot reading every Samhain night, aka Halloween. While I’m not nearly as spiritual as I once was, this one little ritual I keep. A tarot reading about the coming year.
It can be a little odd to watch your life laid out in symbolism. To see the foundation of the year as being caught by failure unawares with a warning not to despair. To see the past as two roads diverging in the wood, which one did I take again? To see the present spelled out as, I kid you not, the end of a cycle and being ready to move forward. Boy am I ever. The past and the present are easy to decipher it’s when we look at the future that things start to get hazy. Why? Because the future is colored by our perceptions and our desires. We will look for what we want to see or what we fear to see. In the spread I use depending on how you choose to interpret there are at least two cards representing the future. The first for me told me about contentment…alone. Being happy with what I’ve wrought by myself. It’s not the card I wanted to see. I wanted to see one of the two cards that I have dubbed the happy home cards. I didn’t get them anywhere in my spread.  The next four cards can be interpreted to be a future for each of the upcoming three months of the year  or they can be interpreted as investigative cards with the final card being the outcome. Either way the outcome doesn’t change. I see myself being led by emotion. I see a light at the end of the tunnel of an arduous journey. I see me being unsure of myself, of being overly analytical. And then I see the Sun. Another card for contentment. Contentment for the things in my life that I can do and those that I cannot do. At peace with the universe.  I want contentment, I want peace, but I can’t help but shake the feeling that it’s not going to be found where I want it to be. I keep seeing the alone flash. Boo.

Next I did two  past, present, future readings. One for adoption. One for IVF.
I pulled the happy home card for the future in adoption. Tears immediately pooled up in my eyes. I don’t even remember right now what the past and present cards were. I zeroed in on that card. All were minor arcana.
Then I did one for IVF.  I pulled the empress, which is close as you can get to earth mother for the present, and the moon for the future. The moon is uncertain, hazy. And the Hermit for the past. All were major arcana. Stronger influences.

Unsatisfied I did another spread, the dilemma. The dilemma pulled up as rational thought fleeing from emotions. Ivf’s choice pulled up as rest after a long struggle, but only a temporary rest, you have to go back to battle. Adoption’s choice pulled up that the outcome was already determined the events already set in motion. But if you change one thing, it changes everything. Then another card for a choice I’m not considering. Again contentment, sharing abundance. That third choice that’s the one I should go with. Pity I don’t know what it is.

My last card I pulled was the eight of pentacles. ‘Be wary of being so excited about the harvest, that you forget about the balance sheet’. This was the answer to my question of what should I do to be happy.

Does anybody else read cards? I’d love a second or third opinion. I’m using the Gilded Tarot.

 

Edited to add some second thoughts:  There are some trains of thought that put the major arcana as people. Only two major arcana showed up in my original spread. The lovers and The sun. Since the Lovers showed up at the crossing which means impolitely the problem that one’s probably a guarantee. It probably really does represent exactly what it says. The Sun as a person… doing a little digging I’ve found that in other decks the Sun often represents a child, either a boy or twins. Huh. See what I mean about how our hopes and desires become imprinted upon the reading.

Baby Things

This week has been...interesting to say the least. No less than 3 newborn babies showing up in my feed, all born within 24 hours of each other, and within 36 hours of the start of my period.
1. A girl from highschool who told several people quite loudly that she wasn't happy about being pregnant and that it was going to ruin her life.
2. My brother's best friend. It's his second child but first kid for his second marriage. He was ecstatic and more than happy to shove his 'boy' in my brother's face. My brother wanted a little boy and got a girl. He's happy about it now.
3. My sister in law's niece. She lost her husband to a car wreck about a month after finding out they were pregnant. It's her first son, but her fourth child.
It's difficult seeing all those babies showing up in my feed. They're all from different backgrounds and different situations, but all of them make me feel sad. Sometimes its for me, sometimes its for them, sometimes its for the kid. But I can't help but feel sad. I know now after months of being on this crazy train that my feelings are natural. At one point or another everyone struggling with infertility will feel this way, this sadness in the face of a happy occasion.

The phone call I received last night only seemed to make it worse. It was my mother and usually conversations with her don't hurt. This one did. We made a little bit of small talk, caught up on each other's day and then she dived in. 'So what do you want us to do with 'Little Bit's' baby thing?" (Little Bit is my nickname for my niece. My mom didn't use it but it's not fair to include her in my blogging by name. Anyway.) I paused for a minute, a sinking feeling in my stomach, 'What do you mean?"
"Well do you want us to keep them and save them for you or can J give them away? She was thinking of giving alot of the stuff to (#2 on the list). But I told her we should ask you first."
"Oh..." I got quiet. Rolled the thoughts around in my head. Played devil's advocate in silence. It would be great to have some of that stuff around for when we finally become parents. But then...all I could see was a storage room full of baby things that might never get used. The reminder as the years pass on. I pulled myself out of my vision. "Tell her to give it to whoever she wants," I finally answered, "There's no sense in having all this stuff laying around for years on end when someone could be getting good use of it." I don't think it was the answer my mom wanted to hear. "Yeah, I guess you're right," she paused, "and I guess we can always buy more of it when the time comes."
"Yep," I nodded my head vigorously even though she couldn't see it through the phone cord. We talked for maybe a minute or two more and then I said goodbye. The conversation had left a bad taste in my mouth and an empty spot in my stomach. And I for one wasn't interested in dragging it out any longer.
My mom told me the other day that she's still holding out hope that this will happen for us naturally. I know that it bothers her that I don't really have that much hope for it anymore. It bothers my husband as well. It bothers me that my not having hope bothers them. I'm just being rational, looking at the statistics, and attempting to accept our situation for what it really is so that I can process it and move on with life.

This is a Recording

You may remember the idea I had to record my grandparents reading some stories for a future little one. This weekend I took off down the road with my laptop, storybook, and a dinky little microphone that I've had for years. My Nana was more than happy to participate. The first thing that we recorded was this song called 'Little Man' that my grandma likes to sing. I never liked it a whole bunch because the duck gets shot. But it's part of my childhood. Next I had her pick a story from the book, which is an omnibus collection of Little Golden Books. She picked 'Goodnight Little Bear'. We got through it pretty quickly only messing up a teeny tiny bit. My Nana is a good storyteller, she does the voices and the noises both. I reassured her that she did not in fact sound like a total hick. Then while she wrote out a script for another song, I pinned down my grandfather. He hemmed and hawed about it for a few moments but still sat down and began looking through the book for his story. I knew the one he would pick out. 'The Color Kittens'. My grandfather loves kitty cats. As I positioned the mic close enough to pick him up, he straightens his back and tucks in his chin. I signal him to start and am immediately amazed at the change in his voice. Deeper richer. I would have never imagined his reading voice would be so much different than his speaking voice. He adlibbed a little here and there which only served to make a truer reflection of who he really is. It recorded beautifully. I was amazed at his voice. It reminded me of this old record I used to have that had the story of Sleepy Hollow on one side and Rip Van Winkle on the other. His voice was just that awesome. If he could stay on point he would make a wonderful narrator. Then my Nana and I headed down to the creek to record another old favorite, 'Blind Child's Prayer'. We decided to record it down there because when I was little I used to lay in her lap in the swing listening to her sing, the creek burble, the leaves whisper, as she gently wove her fingers through my hair with one hand, patting out a beat with the other. I was hoping it might pick up some of the ambient noises. It didn't, my cheapo mic wasn't powerful enough but it did make a very crisp very clear recording of her voice.
Afterwards we went for a walk. My brother met us on the way back and asked what we had been up to. My Nana told him immediately obviously thinking he already knew. I had wanted to keep it a little bit of a secret. Maybe its selfish but I wanted to make this for MY future little one. And I knew what would happen which it did. My brother asked me to make him a copy for his daughter when I finished. I mean she already has access to our grandparents, she sees them two to three times every single week. I guess it is a little selfish, but now I don't really have that option. I agreed to give him a copy when it was finished.
My parents got home a little later and I attempted to corner my Dad. That didn't work. He refused to participate citing a headache, being too busy, he wasn't croaking anytime soon, not in the mood, blah blah blah. Maybe I can catch him on another day. My mom and I retired to my old bedroom and sat down to listen to the recordings i'd already done. That's when we realized that 'Little Man' hadn't recorded completely. Don't know why, maybe the jack slipped out of the port. So I'll have to bring it all back out there again next weekend to redo it anyways. Then Mom recorded mine and my brother's favorite childhood story 'The Pokey Little Puppy." She messed up and got tickled. She wanted to redo it but i loved the little laugh in her voice that made her all the more real in the recorded version. That's the version of my Mom I'd want my kid to know anyways.
I'm going to try and get my husband to use his fancy recording software to put it all together and EQ it properly in the end.
It feels good to get this done. I know that its preparing to make the best of a horrible situation. It's a little morbid in a way. But I'd rather be a little morbid and a lot prepared than to be in denial and miss out on this opportunity and consequently cause my future child to miss out too. My grandmother assured me once again that no matter what happened, iui, ivf, adoption, they would support me and love whatever child we brought into the family.

Where am I?

I used to pride myself on knowing who I was and where I stood. I was a constant. I wasn't swayed by peer pressure or the things on tv because I knew innately who I was. I assumed that self-awareness would carry me through the rest of my life. I would always be the old soul. Like so many other things Infertility seems to have taken that away from me. I don't know where I stand anymore from moment to moment.  The latest ground that seems to be crumbling beneath my feet is on the subject of adoption.
I always thought that adoption was an amazing option. I thought growing up that it would be nice to adopt someone. So when trying to conceive started taking longer than anticipated adoption naturally came up. I started doing research, lurking on an adoption board, preparing myself mentally for the realities that would come with that choice. When we were officially diagnosed with male factor infertility, the adoption option became more real. We knew that IVF simply wasn't cost effective. Not to mention the invasive procedures and copious amounts of drugs that are necessary in a single IVF cycle. I don't take tylenol unless the pain makes it hard to function. Together we ruled it out. Then as the journey progressed and I did even more research, we ruled it back in. Adoption became further down the line of options. With my husband's last SA even IVF started to look like a pipe dream. Adoption inches closer.
Last night my husband came home from visiting with a friend. I've been trying to get him to go and talk to this friend for months. I know he needs someone to talk to as much as I need my dreamers. I was relieved that he finally went. His friend is starting the adoption process due to male factor infertility. Hubby came home in a whole different frame of mind then he left that morning. He was excited, exuberant even. I was happy for him. Glad he had someone to talk to. Then he said, 'Hun, how bout we skip all this treatment stuff and go straight to adoption.' I'll admit I'd rolled that thought around in my head more than a couple of times in the past couple weeks. But when he said it aloud and excited, something broke inside me. The tears started welling up immediately, my throat clogged up, I couldn't talk without my voice cracking. It wasn't til he said it out loud that I realized how much I'm not ready to go there. I surprised myself completely with my gut wrench reaction to a simple suggestion. I don't know who I am anymore. Now I can't help but be over whelmed with guilt. And I don't even really know where it's coming from.
Hubby keeps asking these questions. "Is it just that you want to experience pregnancy?" "Is it just that you want a kid that looks like us?" Is it just.... JUST. It's not JUST anything. It's everything all together. Never experiencing pregnancy or childbirth,no maternity pictures, no baby shower, not being able to see myself in a child, having to pay thousands upon thousands of dollars, having someone judge me and my ability to be a parent, the possibility of a failed match, especially a last minute one where I've loved that baby for 2 weeks or more before the revocation period is over, having to have that talk with the child, hearing them say even once that I'm not their real mother, knowing that eventually they'll want to find their bio mom and me feeling like I wasn't enough if they need that. Yes they grew within someone else for 9 months but I was there for 18 years! I'm their real mom. And you can forget about those huggy feely open adoptions where the bio mom comes to visit for Christmas and birthdays. No..no..no you can't have your cake and eat it too, darn it. Not in my world. And what bio mom is going to pick closed off me over open Sally over there. All at once all these thoughts came crashing down on me and they were real not just nimbusy what-ifs. And I realized that I'm terrified. I'm really really scared. And I shouldn't be, right?
Maybe lurking on the adoption board wasn't the right thing to do but I watched these women experience incredible heartbreak from failed matches. I cried for them. They bounced back and tried again and sometimes tragically they had to do it all over yet again. I know that a late failed match will destroy me emotionally. I will not bounce back. The husband agrees and said, 'Well if that happens its the ultimate cosmic signal that we just shouldn't have children at all'. That didn't help at all, though I'm sure he thought it would.
I don't know where I am because the landscape is constantly changing around me, and through its changing its changing me as well.
My real life experience with adoption was limited. The closest I got was a kinship adoption, when my parents took in my 15 year old cousin. For three years she was my sister. I was young, I don't remember the time before her. The day she turned 18 she packed her bags and left, didn't even stay for the party we planned, didn't open her gifts, or eat cake. I didn't see her again for years and by then she had a kid of her own. By then I was angry. I'm still angry with her for leaving us, for taking our love and pretending we were family and then leaving the first chance she got and fracturing my youth.
I used to think adoption was helping someone. But knowing that what I want is infant adoption, I can't help but feel that I'm not really helping someone. There are waiting lists a mile long for infants. If I don't do it, you can darn well bet someone else is eager to take my place in line. And then there are the adopted kids who grow up and talk about how adoption ruined their lives, even if they were placed with loving families. I'm having a hard time seeing the positives anymore.
Rationally I think this is all part of the grieving process. Irrationally I feel like a bad person. The husband has since assured me that he's not ready to start the process either, not yet. That I shouldn't feel bad, but I do. I've always been supportive of adoption, why can't I be supportive of it for me?
I feel like I'm floundering and just plain lost right now.
If you would have asked me two weeks ago, heck even two days ago, about adoption I would have been overly positive and optimisitic, hopeful. Where did that person go? How did she just disappear into thin air?
I could really use some insights, some positive experiences, some reassurance that my emotions right now are normal, anything to shed some light on the situation while I fumble around in the dark.

Nosey Posey

This weekend the husband and I went to a family event. And as seems preresquite for any event nowadays everyone seems inordinately interested in my reproductive timeline. In the two to three hours or so at the cookout I was prodded no less than 4 times about kids. Really people is it any of your business? Why is it so freaking important to you? *sigh*
The first came inocuously enough from a friend of my uncle's, "So when are you gonna have kids?" Let's ignore the fact that you basically just became a thundercloud on an otherwise pretty day. I shrugged, "I don't know." This has been my go to response of late. It's honest without being revealing. She smiles softly, "You're trying though?" I nodded quietly, squirming. "Ah well it will happen eventually." I nodded again, "Eventually," and moved away trying to dislodge the little knife she plunked into my chest. I'd been there less than ten minutes. Shake it off, shake it off.
Maybe an hour later, maybe, a friend of my grandma's sat down in front of me. I've never been too awful fond of her, she just exudes mean even when she's smiling. I can't help but think deep down she's a cruel person, you know the kind, the one with the pitch black eyes and a smile that crinkles her cheek wrinkles but not her crows feet. But she's my Nana's oldest friend, they've been the best of friends since they were preteens. That's alot of years, alot of history, even if I hadn't been taught to respect my elders. The last time I saw her was a little over a year ago at my Sil's baby shower. She was interested in my timeline then. She made a rather crass comment about why she thought I wasn't pregnant yet about how I must be 'keeping my legs closed'. So I obviously wasn't looking forward to what was coming next. "So when are you going to give us another grandkid?" My response was the same as before. Surprisingly enough she backed down 'Ah well that's okay. My husband and I waited 3 years after we were married.' The husband and I looked back and forth at each other. He says, 'Well we will have been married for 4 years in about a week or so." Why, dear love, why did you say that? She gets a shocked look on her face. "Well what are you waiting for?! You're going to have him so spoiled that he won't be able to handle loosing all that attention when the baby comes." I laughed softly, when I wanted to cry, "Oh he knows how to share the attention. We have two kitty cats who get a lot of love." And her response, "Oh well he can kill the cats." My jaw dropped open. He can what?!!! You mean old biddy. I wanted to get up and leave right then. I made myself laugh again, "Not if he wanted to stay married." Then excused myself to get some cake wondering what the hell is wrong with that woman.
A few minutes later my brother, his wife, and my niece show up. Everyone goes gaga over the baby. There's more than one comment about how the she looks like me. Thanks, twist that knife will ya. Like I need another reminder that there's a good chance I may never have a child who looks like me or my husband or anyone in my family. I slink away trying desperately to slide off the radar for a little while. There's a couple more passing comments about me having kids. Nobody lingers thankfully. After a while Little bit gets passed around to me. I swear everyone at an entire table swivels to look at me as soon as I'm holding her. Old women lean in and whisper. Camera flashes are going off. Really? Never seen a woman holding a baby?! More pictures got taken in those few minutes I was holding Little bit than in the entire party. Then the same woman from earlier in the party comes back around. Apparently not content with her first swipe at me, "See this is why you have to hurry up!" I smile so you can't see that I'm clenching my teeth so hard they hurt. If I had any control in this process at all... Gah, I wanted to punch her. I see my husband looking at me from across the yard, with that sympathetic look.
What the heck is wrong with these people? No one ever stops to consider that not everyone has an easy time of it. No one thinks that someone else is hurting inside and is desperately trying to make it through just one normal day.
When we finally got home hubby says he finally understands how hard it is for me, for any woman going through infertility because of the endless questions, the expectations, the judgement, even the shaming that goes with being of a certain married age and childless. He says next time he'll step in and say 'We're adopting and we accept checks.' Hopefully that'll shut them up. Not real sure I like that idea since we haven't actually made that decision yet. Even though we certainly seem to be leaning that way.
So for those of you who are on the opposite side of this fence...Stop asking people when they're going to have children. Stop prodding into when, you might as well ask how while you're at it. Take a few moments out of your life to consider that there might be more going on then you know. That someone might be fighting what could be the most emotionally draining battle of their life. You are not helping.

A Burden Shared

A burden shared is a burden lessened.

This past weekend I shared my infertility burden with my grandparents. I've always been extremely close to them, there was even a short time when I was a kid that I spent all week with them and came home on the weekends. It didn't last very long, because my mother couldn't handle it, very few mothers could. But at the time my brother was in school and we couldn't afford childcare. It wasn't long til we moved to a piece of property adjacent to my grandparents. The only two houses at the end of a dead end road in the middle of woods and cow fields. Less than a 2 minute walk separated me from them on a daily basis. During the school year I spent the week at home and every possible hour of the weekend at Nana's house. During the summer my parents had to coax me back home. As an adult I visit every single weekend without fail for a several hour long card game.
My grandfather is an amazing 91 years old and is still the most incredible man I know. Until this past year this former californian was still chopping down trees. He walks probably a mile nearly everyday and just finished building, on his own, a shed for my grandmother who is 13 years younger than him. With a full head of white hair at the top of his six foot frame, it isn't too surprising that women my mother's age still hit on him! He taught me to swim, to bodysurf, to play poker, pool, and blackjack, shared his love of cats, let me stand on his toes to dance, bought me my first tent, boombox, alarm, and camped out with me in said tent more times than I can count. He used to sneak cookies up to me and my friends when it was well past midnight. In short he's always been my knight in shining armor.
My Nana is his exact opposite in so many ways. She's a diminutive woman, about 5'2" and country to the core. She has to be fixed up to go anywhere other than McDonald's for ice cream. Her house reminds me of Cracker Barrel and in fact she tells the story that she helped design the very first Cracker Barrel store. It's believable once you walk into the house she and her father built. She taught me to bake, to break eggs, to have an eye for decorating, to garden, and with her countless picture taking might have even inspired my photography.
These two people have been an integral part of my life from the beginning and yet they knew nothing about the struggle my husband and I have been dealing with. I did not realize until it was over how draining it had been keeping it from them. How hard it had been keeping the hurt inside, hiding the way a pregnancy announcement or baby talk made me feel. I thought I'd been pretty good at sheltering them from our situation. Until I talked to them. They both said that they had noticed I hadn't been my 'usual chipper happy self' for months now. Huh. I would never have described myself in that way. But they're right, I haven't been myself for quite a while. They were supportive and understanding. Happily suggesting adoption if it turns out we couldn't conceive. It makes me happy to know that if we need to go down that path to build our family that my entire immediate family will not only be comfortable with it but supportive. My Nana offered to help fundraise when we were ready, bake sales, yard sales, benefits, whatever we needed. My grandfather as usual injected some of his trademark humor into the conversation when I said that at the moment 'it would be a miracle if we conceived on our own'  He said and I quote ' If those darn catholics can do it with a virgin, there's hope for you too'.  We laughed til it was uncomfortable to laugh anymore and then played cards like nothing had changed. I shared my concerns that due to their age and the time involved in the infertility process that they might not get to meet any child I had. We decided to do a few recordings of them reading stories and sharing some of the little sayings and songs that I grew up with. I'm excited to have those things for the future. No matter what my child will know about them and know that even before s/he came along they were loved.
It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I can look forward again. I love not having to hide. It feels good to have their support in my corner and to know I have cheerleaders on my side. People who know how hard the journey was and how important and precious the destination is.

Warning Label

They should put a warning label on movies. They really should. 'This movie contains situations that couples suffering through infertility will find heartbreaking/too close to home.' Yeah, Okay so they're never going to do that.
Last night Hubby and I sat down for a movie night. A night to unwind and take our minds off things. We picked two light-hearted comedys. 'Big Fat Wedding' which features the likes of Robert DeNiro, Diane Keaton, Susan Sarandon, Katherine Heigl and Topher Grace(also known as the kid from 'that 70's show').  And 'Admission' with Tina Fey and Paul Rudd. We figured from the previews that they would be pretty safe bets.We were wrong.
Spoilers hereafter:
In 'Big Fat Wedding' Katherine Heigl's character is dealing with infertility and her marriage has fallen apart from the stress. 'Fours years of treatments and humiliation' The second those words popped out of her mouth, my husband stands up and goes 'Why the hell did we rent this?!" I just sat there my mouth kinda hanging open, squirming a little with the uncomfortableness. 'I didn't know that was in here, we wouldn't have got it. It wasn't in the previews.' Yeah so much for a light hearted comedy. It all turns out okay for Katherine Heigl's character she winds up pregnant, apparently by accident, (lets not even go into that!) and gets back together with her estranged husband. Might I add that it seems like more of a slap in the face since she also played in 'Knocked up'.
So we moved onto our second feature of the night. 'Admission'. We expected something even lighter here, maybe even a little bit of stupid funny. Uh Uh. Not what we got. Tina Fey's character gave away a child for adoption when she was young, Paul Rudd's is trying to get the kid and her together. Great, just great. Peachy. Not what we were looking forward to. There's a few heartwrenching parts where the kid talks about how lonely adoption is. I don't want to hear that.  My husband just shook his head when we realized what we were getting into, "Boy, we sure can pick them tonight."
It's amazing the level at which infertility affects us. We can't even have a movie night without being on guard.
Today the Urologist finally called us back, it's been almost a week! He suggested two options: wait 3 more months and repeat the Semen Analysis yet again or do a testicular biopsy. We're understandably not too fond of the second option, I mean what man jumps up and down at the prospect of having his man parts cut open and inspected. He hasn't decided yet which way to go. But I'm leaning towards repeating the Semen Analysis and if there is still no positive change, then maybe we'll do the biopsy. I want answers, but I don't want him to suffer any more than absolutely necessary. Anyways that's we're we are at, at the moment.
Oh, one more thing my niece turned one today. Happy Birthday to her.

Looking Forward

I've decided to not let our current setback rule my life and wreck my plans. I've looked at the wall plaque my mother bought me about a hundred times since I hung it up. Everything is going to be alright. My husband loved it. He said it was just what he needed. I think its what we both need, that assurance that no matter what everything is going to be alright. No matter how things end up, how our story ends, we will be alright, because we have each other and people who love and care about us.
I know that whether we pursue IVF or adoption we are going to have to do some fundraising to reach our dream. We make enough money to take care of ourselves and a future little one but that kind of money isn't just lying around. We're looking at anywhere from $10,000 to $30,000 either way. Since we aren't exactly open about our infertility struggles fundraising could be more than a little difficult. And I don't feel comfortable about just asking for money.
With that in mind I'm starting a Zazzle store as our first line of fundraising defense. I can remain anonymous for the time being, which is what my husband and I both need for the time being. When our plan of action becomes a little more solidified in November, then maybe we'll open up about our troubles. It'll be almost 2 years at that point since we started out.
My other fundraising plans for the future will probably include a special fairy calendar and a fairy story book. There's also a froyo shop in our small home town that hosts fundraisers and gives 20% of the proceeds to your cause. I'm keeping that in mind as well.
I'm self-employed and I keep thinking if I could find another job that just paid $20k a year, that I could save every penny and have what we need in a year. So I'm looking into that as well. I've already got applications out at a local library and for a pharmacy tech training position.
If you have some other fundraising ideas you'd like to share or resources that might help, please let me know.
Regardless we're in this for the long haul. I have to do something to keep my eyes trained ahead because if I linger too long in this moment, I'm going to drown.
Also something that could be fundraising related but doesn't have to be, is I keep thinking I'd like to write a book about Infertility. One thing all of the women I've talked to can agree upon is how much harder the secrecy surrounding infertility makes the journey for those going through it. I'm still mulling it over in my head, but I think a readily available book could help wash away some of that secrecy. Usually I write fiction, but I think with some help I could make the jump. I'll talk more about it later, once I get a working outline figured out in my head.
So if you're interested in my Zazzle store, its www.zazzle.com/fairyblessings* . Fairy Blessings will be full of fairy artwork, t-shirts, and other products as well as inspirational images and quotes. All of the artwork and photographs will have been done by me or my mother (who by the way is an amazing artist). I'll slowly be building up a product base, so bear with me if it's a little empty at first. We'll get there. And if this sort of thing appeals to you, sign up for our product updates so you can find out when we get new stuff out there.

Hopes Dashed

Three days ago I was the most hopeful I have been in what feels like a very long time. Throughout our journey my husband and I have been agreed that IVF (invitro fertilization) was not going to be an option for us. While it is a relief to know what is and is not possible, taking that option off the table made it harder to have hope.
With our first semen analysis we were told that it would be nigh on impossible to get pregnant on our own, and that most likely not only would we need IVF but we would need a very special kind of IVF with something called ICSI or Intra cytoplasmic sperm injection. The simplified version of an IVF cycle is that a woman's eggs are harvested and a man's sperm is collected. The two are then placed together in a petri dish. Just like in a woman's body the strongest swimmers make it to the egg and hopefully fertilize it. The fertilized embryo is than transferred back into the uterus where it will hopefully implant. ICSI is used when there aren't very many sperm or the sperm that are available are not of high quality. In this scenerio the doctor handpicks the best looking sperm of the bunch and injects it directly into the egg, thereby doing all the work for it. The rest of the process is very similar.
Knowing that IVF was off the table for us meant that not only were our options limited but so was our best hope at achieving a biological child. We knew that we had to have a better semen analysis the next go so that maybe an IUI would become an option. IUI is intrauterine insemination also know as artificial insemination. 10 million is usually a low goal for IUI. We had 175,000. It was a long way to go. We could feel that wall looming in front of us. Where our options would go from few to one, adoption.
The main reason IVF was off the table to begin with was a combination of two things, cost and risk. I'd read that one IVF cycle could cost upwards of $30,000. The chance of it being sucessful is pretty close to 50%. Domestic infant adoption can also cost around the same amount, and though the child would not be biological ours and it would most likely take a few years instead of 9 months before I could ever hold our baby, it was a sure thing. At the end of the day we would have our child. I get buyer's remorse if a pair of $30 shoes don't work out, $30,000 out the window wasn't something either one of us could live with.
Three days ago while searching for IVF with ICSI clincal trials in my area I found a clinic within a few hours drive that offered an IVF guarentee program. I was intrigued and immediately clicked on the link. About $27,000 for IVF with ICSI, 3 fresh tries and all the frozen we would have leftover. Not only did the guarantee apply towards getting pregnant but to a live take home birth. Which meant that if  it failed and we never did get that take home baby we would get 100% of our money back. We could then pursue domestic adoption having known we tried every possible scenario. My husband and I were estatic. I started trying to figure out ways we could raise that kind of money. Suddenly the whole realm of hope was at our feet. We no longer had a looming approaching end date for treatments. We honestly couldn't have been happier with this new possibility.
Today we got his second Semen Analysis results and everything came crumbling down. We hoped for improvement. We were prepared for it to stay the same. We were not prepared at all for the news received. There were no live sperm. Not only that there were only 2 dead sperm. For all intents and purposes he was sterile. The hope we had so carefully cultivated and kept alive for the last 4 months and the last 3 days was destroyed. Utterly and entirely. We are saturated in sadness, anger, and frustration. There can be no IVF even with ICSI without sperm.
We're lost, set adrift. I do not know how we are going to make it through the next three months and our third and possibly final SA. If there is no improvement once again, if he is still sterile, we will put fertility treatments in the rearview and embrace adoption. But first we have to get there. Last time we had a little bit of hope that maybe we would see vast improvement from treating the diabetes and that maybe we could even see a natural pregnancy. It feels like that hope has been stolen from us. I don't know how to face the next three months of 'if' and waiting without that little piece of hope stringing us along.

On the Move

 Acryonms used in today's post:

DH: Dear Husband      

SA: Semen Analysis

Today DH finally went in for his second SA. We've been waiting to redo this test for 4 months. Four stinking months in limbo. When we started testing in March of this year we started first with bloodwork for me. Then an SA for him. My bloodwork came back perfect according to my ob. Dh was not so lucky. His results were depressing across the board. Sources vary as to what is normal. Though there a two pretty standard units of measurement, not every lab uses them. For example the lab my Obgyn uses at our local hospital has its own version of what is normal vs abnormal. The range of normal is stated as 60-150 million per milliliter. We were devasted to learn that my husband's count was 175 THOUSAND per milliliter. He also had low morphology (which is the shape of sperm) and motility (which is how they move). He had a high ph and high viscosity. We were immediately referred to a Urologist who explained our results a little more in depth. It was at this visit that we first learned that my husband could be diabetic. Which led to more doctor's visits this time with a general practioner. His diabetes was confirmed. All three doctors that we worked with concluded that his SA results were in direct relation to uncontrolled undiagnosed diabetes. We changed our entire lifestyle in the next couple of weeks.
It is thought to take 60 -70 days for sperm to be produced. Some sources state that it could take as few as 42 days and as much as 90 days. It also takes aproximately the same amount of time to get an accurate reading on your A1C, which is a ruling measurement when treating diabetes. We were able to get our A1C within normal levels in three months. We decided to be safe to wait one more month to make sure that the sperm produced would have been born during the time period when he had his A1C levels under control.
We won't know his results for a few days, maybe even as much as a week, but  it feels good to be moving forward again. Even if it's only for a brief moment in time. I'm ready for answers. I'm ready to know what's on the horizon for us, to plan for the if's that are currently lingering right outside of view. It feels good to move forward again, after so many months at a stand-still with little hope to pull us through.

The Roundabout Analogy

Most people will never understand what it feels like to be infertile. It's one of those experiences in life that people can't understand unless they've been through it themselves. Sometimes its hard to remember that and to give people a break when I feel like strangling them. So to that end I've been trying to come up with a simple analogy that even begins to touch on the feelings that an infertility diagnosis brings into a person's life. I thought about the pause button and the elevator but I finally settled on something else. Here's what I've come up with...

Imagine for a moment that there's this place that you want to go, it's the end all be all for you whether its a concert, amusement park, museum exhibit, natural park, and its only going to be open for a limited amount of time.Everyone you know who has experienced it can't keep from telling you how it changed their life, in a good way. You get up with the sunrise, pack the car with goodies and snacks, and head out eager for what the day will bring with only your significant other for company. The first part of your trip is wonderful. Your favorite songs play on the radio. The scenery that passes by outside your window is breathtaking, and the traffic almost non-exisistent. You're excited, eager, maybe even a little tremoulous, I mean what if it isn't all it's cracked up to be, right? When you reach the roundabout you are already feeling a tad bit antsy and ready to get out of the car. The one lane road you've been traveling turns into two lanes as you enter the roundabout and due to no fault of your own your car is forced into the inner lane. You circle around one time and miss your exit. Minutes later you've missed it several more times. The people who entered the roundabout with you have already found the right exit. The people who entered the roundabout after you have found the exit. But you can't get over. The people in the outside lane won't let you in. You wonder if they just don't notice you or if they're keeping you penned in out of spite. Hours pass and you are now dizzy from all the circles you've made. It seems like hundreds of cars have entered the roundabout and found their way out, but not you. Depending on your personality you may have a serious case of road rage going on right now. Your cell phone rings and someone, most likely a family member, asks why you haven't arrived yet. Their tone is either worried or accusing, and you respond in kind before hanging up. The sun has made its way across the sky and you feel like time is running out. Some of the cars that passed you by the first time are on their way back out, balloons and streamers flying from their bumpers, whopping and hollering, estatic with how their day went. The new cars that enter the roundabout are sometimes less than polite, honking, letting the finger fly, yelling out their windows at you. It makes you feel horrible but there you are stuck going around and around with no way out, dizzy and sick to your stomach. If you have a smartphone friends and family are blowing up your feed with pictures from their trip. The pictures have cute little captions like 'Best day of my life' 'If you've never been here, you're missing out' and 'If you've never gone, you can't understand what its like', not to mention the odd 'My life had no meaning before I went'. People are calling asking where you are and giving unsolicited unhelpful advice. Some of them don't even have a driver's license, I mean how does that even work? At this point you have few options.

• A. You will eventually get over and find your exit and reach the location before its gone forever. Though at this point you're realistically skeptical of that happening. 
• B. You will take a different exit. It will eventually take you to pretty much the same place, but it's full of tolls, bumpy roads, and horriblly planned roadways that seem to double back more than they go straight, not to mention taking twice as long. 
• C. You will give up and get off on the exit you came in on, go home, and live your life resolved with the fact that you're never getting there. 
• D. You will run out of gas. Your car will sputter to a stop. You will have to wait for the tow truck who will have to take you back to the gas station to refill. And who knows how long that will take, or how much it will cost. Some of you will never get back on that road again. 

Now for just a moment imagine that this wasn't one day of your life. Imagine that it was everyday of your life for months or years on end.Those emotions you felt. Anger, bitterness, desperation, sorrow, longing and more, are there every single day and they just build and build. That's a glimpse into infertility, except its not just some place you're trying to reach, its parenthood, its a child looking up at you, its passing on traditions and memories, it's a biological right that everything from insects to oak trees has without another thought, except you.

Infertility affects 1 in 10 couples. 1 in 10 couples are stuck on that roundabout.
And in case you don't know the frustration of a roundabout...

My experience with the roundabout came in 2009 on my honeymoon to Ireland. We left each one frazzled and anxious and they were tiny roundabouts! It sucks that we seem to be stuck on one yet again.