Christmas Firsts

This year brought several Christmas firsts and unfortunately they weren't of the good variety.

No. 1  No Stocking hung by the chimney with care.
       For 26 years my grandmother has hung a stocking a piece for me, my brother, and my two cousins. My oldest cousin is almost 40 and yes he's had a stocking every year for that long. This year, there was no quartet of red stockings hung on the mantle filled with little goodies like candy, gum, batteries, and in my case usually makeup or jewelry. Instead there were two stockings for the great grandbabies. My year and 4 month old niece, and my 9month old second cousin. I may come across sounding like a baby but it hurt that we didn't get stockings...it hurt that I didn't get one. Yes I'm an adult and I don't need a stocking. But if that was the reason the tradition stopped it should have stopped when I turned 18, 21, or hell even 25. Instead it stopped because of the new babies. I can't help but feel left out, rejected, and pushed aside. I wouldn't mind if my place had been taken by my own child. But no one took my place on that mantle, it was just erased. Does her having great grandchildren erase the fact that I am still her grand-daughter?
No. 2  Christmas Eve Doggies
       On Christmas Eve I called to ask my Dad what time my grandmother expected us. I was yelled at it. Which took me completely by surprise til my father took a deep breath and explained he was in a bad mood because two of our dogs had just gotten in a fight and he was still covered in blood and urine. I was understandably worried, especially since my dad is a worst case scenario type person. Turns out both dogs are fine. It was a supremacy type fight over affection. But later on that night as I was preparing to take off my shoes, my brother called. His dog was having seizures. We rushed over. Unable to pinpoint the problem and watching the poor pup go through agonizing seizures every 5-10 minutes they made the call to take her to the nearest ER vet. On Christmas Eve at 11:30 at night 45 minutes away. About 5 minutes before we arrived she had her last seizure. When we walked in the vets she could walk again though still a little drukenly. By the time the vet saw her she was back to normal. A very expensive blood screening later and she was checked out as completely normal. The seizure session was deemed a random fluke. It could happen again and develop into something more or she could live the rest of her life without one. It was about 2:30 before we got back and finally into bed.

No. 3  Christmas tree removal
        For the first time in my life I took down the Christmas tree before January. It was always a tradition in my family to wait til the first of the year. The symbolism behind it was that you put ornaments on the tree that represented things you wanted in the coming year, health, wealth, happiness, love, etc, and by leaving it on the tree til the first of the year you brought those things with you symbolically. We got home Christmas day unwrapped our gifts and I spent the next couple of hours shooting dirty looks at our very dead tree. I just wanted it out of my house and for things to be clean. I gave in. What took more than 4 hours to decorate took only one to dismantle. I didn't take a single picture of my tree...not even one. It's like it never existed.

I tried so very hard to get over my grinchiness. I baked, decorated, listened to old records, christmas music every second I could, sent out cards, the whole nine yards. But all I could think of was how much I wanted it to be over with.  The loss of traditions hurts. The alienation real or imagined hurts. The emptiness of our own stunted family growth hurts. Throw in being physically hurt due to a vicious stomach virus that attacked a little less than a week before Christmas and is STILL making my stomach a little weak....(I did lose almost 4 lbs tho so that's good right lol)... and its the perfect scrooge storm. I don't know how I'll be able to handle another Christmas like this one. DH and I keep thinking we should make our own traditions ones that other people can't flub up. But I liked the ones I used to have. I don't even know how to go about making new ones.
Today is my birthday. I turned 27. And what do you know another first...for the first time my birthday made me feel sad...really really sad. I just wanted to sit at home, curl up, and ignore the day. I was 25 when we started ttc. Dh turned 35 one week ago. Our birthdays are glaring reminders of the time that has already passed us by, slipping through our tightly clenched fists. I'm just tired of this struggle and everything it impacts.