Broken

Well that didn't last long.
Last week at the clinic they added a day to my schedule making me full time, they taught me to draw vaccines which hell I was looking at as good practice for the future, and what to look for in a fecal sample.
So when the head Dr. came in yesterday on what was supposed to be her day off I didn't think anything of it, they constantly switch around anyway. When she asked me to come into her office, I thought, 'Hey this is the perfect time to ask if the additional Thursday workday is permanent or not.'
Instead I was greeted with, "This isn't working out." The good day I was having popped like a wayward bubble. All I could say was 'Oh,' in a soft meek voice.  'You didn't do anything wrong,' the Dr. continues using her soft voice, the one I've heard her use on really sick animals, "It's what we talked about at the beginning, you just weren't the right fit.' I swallow hard and stare at the space somewhere off her left shoulder. My mind flashes to the interview she had a few days earlier. The one I told her was waiting in the lobby with a smile on my face, thinking I'd no longer be the new one. I mean afterall someone else had left since I'd been there. This must be her replacement. Inside my heart is beating like a drum, but again all I manage to get out is a weak, "oh okay' and a headbob. "I know you just got paid today but let me get you something for the time you put in this morning." I numbly follow her to her purse and accept the cash without looking at it. I swallow hard again and finally manage to say something, "Would you like me to finish out today?" My voice quivers a little bit. Oh no, I'm about to lose it. "No, we're not busy," and she turns around effectively dismissing me. I hurriedly put away what I was working on and grab my things. A part of me wants to rush through the door and run to my car. Instead I see two of the girls chatting away at the front desk, chipper as little larks. I think I shouldn't just leave. I should at least say goodbye. So I kinda walk in front of their line of view and give them a little wave, "Bye." The back of my throat is on fire. They don't look surprised to see me with my jacket and purse less than thirty minutes after I've returned from lunch. A chorus of 'Bye' and 'See you later' rings out and then they go back to talking. The fact that they aren't surprised stings. I make it to my car and out the parking lot before I burst into tears. I've never been fired before. It hurts. It hurts worse because I was blindsided. No one let on at all that I wasn't working out. I thought I was doing good. Why teach me new things and add days to my schedule if you're letting me go? I remember casually noticing the interviewee's resume left out on the counter. All the experience she had. The laughter between the two during their interview. I'm coming to the conclusion that until Monday I was working out just fine.
I'll admit that while getting fired hurts, I don't really give a damn about losing the job. I give a damn about what the job represented. It was hope. It was a way to pay for IVF. It gave me the opportunity to sleep at night and not spend every minute thinking about our IF. I feel like when she fired me she didn't just take away my job she took away our chance at becoming parents anytime soon. I feel broken and cheated. The night before I emailed the fertility clinic we had chosen in preparation to make our consultation appointment. I was so sure that by August I would have the money to proceed with full on treatment. We would finally have a real chance. To have that dangled in front of my nose and then ripped away is just cruel.
I'm trying to convince myself that this is blessing in disguise. Afterall my bad foot was acting up rather badly last week, to the point that I could barely walk once I got home. I was limping pretty badly even on my days off. I was wondering if I could make it. But by god I was going to force myself down that road until the pain of taking one more step was literally too much to bear because this was how I was going to make it all work out. Maybe I would have damaged my foot irreversibly had I continued. Maybe. Sometimes it's just too hard to make something horrible into a blessing.
I put my last check in the bank this afternoon. I pulled out $100 for me and put the rest into the fund. It may be a while before I can add to it again.

A new year, a new view

As I wave goodbye to 2013 through the rearview mirror I may or may not have just flipped it the bird. I am so happy to see it go. I keep telling myself that 2014 will be better, 2014 will be my year. There's a tiny voice in the farthest darkened corner of my head that whispers incessantly that it will not. I spend a fair amount of my time working to ignore said little voice. And as I slam the door on that mischievous imp's face once more I turn the page to my resolutions.
A resolution is a firm decision to do or not do something. Some resolutions are firmer than others. Some jiggle like jello or collapse like a souffle at the slightest bump. We all like to believe our resolutions are like concrete or steel. But even concrete cracks and steel warps under the constant pressures of the world around them, heat and cold, water and wind.
As I look back at the resolutions from last year I see more jello than I'd like.

• I wanted to lose 15 to 20 lbs. I worked hard I never gave up, but I only lost 8 lbs. I went to the gym three time a week for almost 9 months, I counted calories, went walking, did yoga, cut down on sweets and sodas, and that was all I lost. Without hurting myself I don't think I could've done anything differently. I also lost almost 5 whole inches from my waist and a pant size. So I did something right. But getting down to the magic number the wii said was my ideal bmi, seemed to stay just out of reach. Was it failure? Or just a smaller version of success.
•   I wanted to get pregnant which consequently was also a resolution from the year before. Or barring that I wanted to start the adoption process. I couldn't make myself do either. If sheer will were enough I'd be long gone on this one. We did however start testing which was also an option on my resolution list. It seems like all we've done since March but that's the world of MFI.
• I wanted to read 50 books. I hit this one out of the ballpark. I read 52 books, one for each week of the year. Pretty darn satisfied with that one.
• I wanted to finish my current WIP 'Dark Divinity'. If I wrote even 10 pages this year I would be surprised. I failed abysmally.
• I wanted to expand my photography business. Instead I kept the status quo. No more no less. Now that I've taken on a second job this is not so much of concern anymore.
•  I wanted to finish our kitchen 'remodel'. I got one new light fixture, a new frig, and a table. We're still lacking the second fixture, a glass top for the table for protection, and seating. And I'm debating on a few other things to add to the remodel, like a backsplash, cushions, maybe a curtain/blind setup for the sliding glass door.
• Start saving more. HA! 2013 was a massive drain on everything. I was lucky my sanity was saved.

So there's my resolution recap. And drum roll please as I roll out the resolutions once more.

1. Get pregnant...seriously...I mean it...
2. Lose an additional 8lbs. I know I can do this. I did it last year, I can do it again. And it will put me squarely ontop of my ideal bmi.
3. Finish 'Dark Divinity'. No more procrastinating, no more excuses. Just do it.
4. Finish the kitchen 'remodel'. Again no procrastinating, no excuses. Just buckle down and get it done.
5. E-publish my two prior books to the Kindle. Come on, it's not that hard. Just set aside a little money, set aside a little time, and do it.
6. Save 10k for IVF hopefully by August/Sept. Already on this one. It's going to be a wench but I can do it.
7. And finally reclaim my spirituality. Find the magic again in life. Reconnect with the Divine and the cycles of nature. Once upon a time I found peace and security in my spirituality, if I retrace my steps maybe I can find out where I dropped them.

That's it. 7 lucky firm decisions on life for 2014.
As for #6 I added 175.99 to the fund yesterday. It's difficult working all week and having so little left to show for it after I expand on the fund but in the end it'll be worth it.
There's also a line from a song on my newest cd that sums things up pretty well.

 'Distill a whole year down into a day
Act like we all start over with a pristine slate
But to get yourself a new life you've got to give the other one away
And I'm starting to believe in the power of a name
Cause it can't be a mistake if I just call it change

December...
Can't turn around now
December...
Break the chain, can't live in circles again'