MIA

So I didn't realize exactly how long it had been since I updated anyone about anything. So if you're ready to jump into this roller coaster that's been my life here it goes. Strap yourself in for a long ride.
When last we talked we were waiting for our follow up with the RE.
It did not go well. We found out through my genetic testing that I have a MTHFR Deficiency which puts us at 3 times the risk of having a child with some sort of defect since I apparently do not process folic acid in the way I should. We also found out that I'm a carrier for a blood clotting disease and that its one of the diseases where just being a carrier puts you at risk. The dr recommended a speciality folate pill to combat the first problem and said that in the event of success he would put me on some sort of blood thinner for the entirety of my pregnancy to combat the risk of the other. Getting pregnant no longer seems the only problem ahead of us. Then he went on to discuss DH's results. No he does not have retrograde. No his count didn't improve at all. He thinks perhaps that DH might have a chromosomal abnormality. In which case our chances of a healthy embryo are in 1 in 6. 1 in 6! We're only doing Natural IVF we'll be lucky if we get 2 eggs much less more than one embryo! Crushed can only describe that moment. So we sent his blood out for a karotype test and decided that in the event that it came back abnormal we would give up on ttc. It would be over.
I had a rough couple of days after that even went home from work the first day cause I couldn't handle it. I moped around, I got angry, and then I got better. I started to make peace. We talked about how we would use the money in the bank for other things. I started trying to plan for a life without kids. I found my peace again. In my head I'd already decided that the karotype would come back abnormal because there has to be a reason for Dh's issues. For the next three weeks that feeling only grew. I had reached a place where I was ready and willing to move on with our lives.
A few days before the three week mark DH came home and surprised me with an offer letter from his work. He got this massive promotion! So very happy on so many levels. Things are finally looking up for us. With the new position he'll bring home more by himself than we were both bringing home before.
A few days later the clinic called with his karotype results. They're normal. I'm floored and surprised and unsure of what to do. And sadly not as happy as I should have been. I felt like for a little bit I stepped off the roller coaster and this news thrust me right back on again. For a little bit I found me again instead of the ttc obsessed lady I had become over the past two years. I was a little loathe to go back. But I'm in it for the long haul so I called the clinic back and received instructions to call with my next period.
A few days after that I got my orthotics for my foot. They freaking hurt! So bad. Not the relief I was hoping for but the Dr. assured me I just need to break them in.On the fourth, fifth, and sixth day of wearing them I stalled out at four hours. I could not bring myself to wear them for even an hour more even though on the sixth day I'm supposed to be up to six hours.
Around the first of this month we thought we had his old car sold. In fact he had the money in hand for a few hours. They called back and wanted a refund since the car was suddenly exhibiting transmission issues. We, being good people, agreed and went to pick it up. The car barely made it back to the house. Stupid kid must have rode it awfully damn hard to cause that kind of reaction in a few hours.
On the 9th I got an emergency call at work. It was DH he'd been in a car wreck. I flew out of that place like a bat out of hell. I thought of all the horrible things that could have happened. I thought about how alone I would be without him. When I saw his truck sticking out of a three foot deep ditch like a demented candle on a birthday cake I thought I would lose it. But there DH was just standing on the side of the road laughing and joking with his favorite mechanic. Dh was fine. The truck was totaled. I became insanely grateful that we hadn't sold the old car because DH had planned to take full coverage off the truck if he had. And I became grateful that the kid tore up the car because if he hadn't DH would have been driving it instead and the little bitty sports car would not have held up like the truck did. I began to call the past week a blessing in disguise.
The next day I put in my two week notice at work. We're down to one vehicle and his new job is way more important than my piddly one that causes me constant pain, plus now that we know we're going ahead with IVF I sincerely don't think my bitch of a boss would be very accommodating with the sudden changes in my schedule. My last day will be the 1st of July. I called my family and arranged to borrow one of their extra cars in the meantime.
On the 12th I go to pick up my temporary ride. My father's baby, his silver stick shift convertible. Ehh. On the way we get a call from the insurance which up until this point has been less than stellar to work with. They're paying off the truck and cutting us a check. For 11,000 dollars! Holy crap. We only paid 7,000 for the truck two years ago. Wow. Just wow. I'm definitely on my blessing in disguise kick now since DH wasn't hurt.
Over the next week I drive my dad's car back and forth to work and on errands. Which getting groceries in a baby sports car is like playing tetris. I hate how impatient people are and how close they get on your ass especially on a hill. I kill that poor car at least once or twice almost every day I drive it just trying to get free of a stop light. Never realized how many hills there are in this little town. Nervous freaking wreck over here. It's been over ten years since last I drove a stick.
The day before yesterday the check for the truck arrives. Dh immediately runs out and buys another vehicle. A 2012 Nissan Sentra with 30k miles on it. It's worth about 5k more than he gets it for.
Yesterday was CD1. I called the clinic and set up my saline sonogram, ivf labs, nurse education class (Also called how to stick yourself), dh's ivf labs and a mock transfer. Whew.  The first part of which will be on Thursday. Which will be one hell of a day since I'll have to go to the clinic early in the morning and then work an overnight (my last overnight!) at work. The second part will be on the following Monday. And then and then it will be a waiting game til I start my period again. AND THEN we'll be cycling! Eeek! Moving forward again.

So to make a very long story short I had more than  a few good reasons for being MIA lately. And if you stuck around to read all of that and catch up with me...thank you.

A good day

I'm all smiles right now. I have had the best day in such a long while. It's amazing how little it really does take to make me happy.
I got an offer letter yesterday on a job. It was for a simple part time cashier position at a new store in town. When I went in today to fill out all the paperwork I was surprised when both the interviewers remembered me by name! Apparently I made an impression since I know they have had to have interviewed at least a 100 people around here. Then one of them pulled me aside with a we have to talk type spiel. The last time I heard that I was being let go. Yeah, I felt sad panic butterflies in my stomach as my adrenaline spiked. He pulled up a chair directly in front of his and we had a little pow wow session. He asked why I'd applied for the cashier position. I told him it was what I had the most prior experience with. He then said well we have this other position and I've been waiting to fill it til I talked with you. I think you'd be perfect for it and I really think it'd be good for you and your photography.
He then proceeded to completely sell me on a full time position that has sat and suns off and in his experience usually works from 5a to 1p leaving me every afternoon and that precious golden hour to make photography appointments. And it pays more.
How awesome is that!  So it looks like I'm going to be a Price Checker. I'm beyond excited.
But the day gets better!
I had an appointment with a prospective wedding client later on the day. She gushed over my portfolio. She was nice, intelligent, creative, prepared, and beautiful. I mean it'll be so easy to take wonderful pictures of her. Then she picked my biggest package, with an engagement session, then she added on a boudoir session, then she added on discs. Then she picked the most expensive leather album I offer and save the dates and mentioned that she probably wanted more later. I am beyond ecstatic to work with her for soooo many reasons.
So despite the fact that I am spotting and probably a day or two away from my period, I am so happy right now. I'm going to float on this little high all weekend or at least until I get the aforementioned period.

Broken

Well that didn't last long.
Last week at the clinic they added a day to my schedule making me full time, they taught me to draw vaccines which hell I was looking at as good practice for the future, and what to look for in a fecal sample.
So when the head Dr. came in yesterday on what was supposed to be her day off I didn't think anything of it, they constantly switch around anyway. When she asked me to come into her office, I thought, 'Hey this is the perfect time to ask if the additional Thursday workday is permanent or not.'
Instead I was greeted with, "This isn't working out." The good day I was having popped like a wayward bubble. All I could say was 'Oh,' in a soft meek voice.  'You didn't do anything wrong,' the Dr. continues using her soft voice, the one I've heard her use on really sick animals, "It's what we talked about at the beginning, you just weren't the right fit.' I swallow hard and stare at the space somewhere off her left shoulder. My mind flashes to the interview she had a few days earlier. The one I told her was waiting in the lobby with a smile on my face, thinking I'd no longer be the new one. I mean afterall someone else had left since I'd been there. This must be her replacement. Inside my heart is beating like a drum, but again all I manage to get out is a weak, "oh okay' and a headbob. "I know you just got paid today but let me get you something for the time you put in this morning." I numbly follow her to her purse and accept the cash without looking at it. I swallow hard again and finally manage to say something, "Would you like me to finish out today?" My voice quivers a little bit. Oh no, I'm about to lose it. "No, we're not busy," and she turns around effectively dismissing me. I hurriedly put away what I was working on and grab my things. A part of me wants to rush through the door and run to my car. Instead I see two of the girls chatting away at the front desk, chipper as little larks. I think I shouldn't just leave. I should at least say goodbye. So I kinda walk in front of their line of view and give them a little wave, "Bye." The back of my throat is on fire. They don't look surprised to see me with my jacket and purse less than thirty minutes after I've returned from lunch. A chorus of 'Bye' and 'See you later' rings out and then they go back to talking. The fact that they aren't surprised stings. I make it to my car and out the parking lot before I burst into tears. I've never been fired before. It hurts. It hurts worse because I was blindsided. No one let on at all that I wasn't working out. I thought I was doing good. Why teach me new things and add days to my schedule if you're letting me go? I remember casually noticing the interviewee's resume left out on the counter. All the experience she had. The laughter between the two during their interview. I'm coming to the conclusion that until Monday I was working out just fine.
I'll admit that while getting fired hurts, I don't really give a damn about losing the job. I give a damn about what the job represented. It was hope. It was a way to pay for IVF. It gave me the opportunity to sleep at night and not spend every minute thinking about our IF. I feel like when she fired me she didn't just take away my job she took away our chance at becoming parents anytime soon. I feel broken and cheated. The night before I emailed the fertility clinic we had chosen in preparation to make our consultation appointment. I was so sure that by August I would have the money to proceed with full on treatment. We would finally have a real chance. To have that dangled in front of my nose and then ripped away is just cruel.
I'm trying to convince myself that this is blessing in disguise. Afterall my bad foot was acting up rather badly last week, to the point that I could barely walk once I got home. I was limping pretty badly even on my days off. I was wondering if I could make it. But by god I was going to force myself down that road until the pain of taking one more step was literally too much to bear because this was how I was going to make it all work out. Maybe I would have damaged my foot irreversibly had I continued. Maybe. Sometimes it's just too hard to make something horrible into a blessing.
I put my last check in the bank this afternoon. I pulled out $100 for me and put the rest into the fund. It may be a while before I can add to it again.

I got it!

Whoot Whoot!
The vet just called to tell me I have the position. Awesome! I can really begin saving now. One step closer. I go in tomorrow to pick up some literature to study and then on the 2nd I go in for my first real day. It'll be part time for now which works for me since it will help ease me back into working for someone else. She knew I wanted full time and offered me a second position at her second office a few towns over. I was so tempted. But while it's only 30 minutes from one office to another. It would be well over an hour for me to travel to the second from home. Tempted greatly but I turned her offer down.
In other news I had one of those icky IF moments again today. I had a christmas photo session with a couple that I've worked with before. They're older and had two dogs that they treated like their children. I actually assumed that they were probably dealing with IF as well. When I got there I was greeted by a third doggie. Apparently Santa brought him last year. It's fun getting three dogs to pose for pictures. Almost through with the session she mentions she has another idea for a pose, because she's expecting. I can feel my mom/assistant cringe. I try not though it was definitely an unexpected turn to my day. She tells me she's 41. It was a surprise. Happened on vacation. And yes they thought they couldn't have kids. I commiserate with her alittle. She beams and tells me 'It really can just happen!' I can hardly imagine having a child at 41. I've never known anyone to have had kids at that age. 36 is the latest around here. We get finished with the session and head out to the car. Mom pats me on the shoulder as we pull out of the drive that puppy dog look on her face. I'm fine I tell her and though those first few second felt like a punch to the gut it really is true. She tells me she was afraid I was going to cry when the lady broke the news. I laugh and tell her I'm not quite the emotional basketcase to cry openly in front of a client, not just yet.
In better news we're going to TUNICA! Yay! My grandparents, two great aunts, and a family friend are all going for a week for Thanksgiving and they happened to have an extra room for three nights. Well heck yeah free hotel! Dh says it could practically be a script for one of those movies. A young couple going to a casino with 4 old couples, lol.  Dh has never been past the Mississippi river and I haven't been to Tunica since I was around 14 and couldn't gamble or partake. Best part it should be just before O day so I can drink and we can enjoy ourselves. Maybe we'll come back with more money than we leave with, wouldn't that be awesome. I'm setting aside 25 dollars a day and no more to play with and we won't be getting there til too late to gamble on Thursday anyways. So I think I can live with myself if I blow 50 dollars.
And bonus I'll have a job to come back to on Monday so it's not like I won't be getting that money back anytime soon.