Bouncing Back

Bouncing back is hard especially when everything in life seems to be determined to push you down. Sometimes I feel like a wayward leaf left in the mercy of the wind. Some days it lifts me so high I can't see anything but clouds, others I scud along the ground scraping my backside on the concrete.  Regardless I'm moving, whether its back, forth, or side to side.
It was harder than it should have been to come back after my unexpected job loss. I let myself have real solid hope for the first time in probably a year. It was like being trapped underground with no light and then viola the light at the end of the tunnel. It's faint but it's there. And then Bam! landslide and no more light. I did however learn that my suspicions for the reason they let me go were right on target. They had that new girl in there the very next day.
During the worst of my moments my mom who is usually so supportive in so many ways just got on my every nerve. She's an endless fount of hope. It made me feel like she doesn't understand the gravity of the situation. So when my mind was finally clear, I set down and had a face to face talk to her about the percentages, what I felt like in the present, what IF made my future look like. Nothing seemed to hit home for her until I said, 'When you and dad, and nana and don, are gone, I will have no one except DH, and when he's gone I'll be alone.'  'You'll have your brother,' she responded quietly. To which I gave her a steady stare. My brother and I haven't been close in so many years, I can barely remember the time. We still sit and play video games, but video games are literally all we have in common anymore, and that won't last forever. We are so different, its amazing we're siblings. I love him and I'm pretty sure he loves me, but when it comes to family and connecting on a real level love isn't always enough.
We were scheduled to do our SA on Tuesday. On Friday as we prepared to get the time period of abstinence right on the money, DH let the stress of IF get in his head. I think he was on the verge of having a panic attack. I assured him it was no big deal and we pushed the SA to tomorrow. On Saturday he called from work to tell me he was aching all over and had chills. Then dropped the bomb on me when he said it felt like another UTI. I panicked a little. The last time he had a UTI close to SA time his count was 0. I told him to go the nurse, get his temp taken, and if it was up take something. For some reason he refused. When he got home he had a temperature of 101.  An hour after tylenol it was back to normal. Four hours after that it was back to 101. More tylenol and back to bed. When he woke up the next morning he no longer had a temperature and felt 90% better. I have no idea what happened. I have no idea how long he had that fever. We have no idea what caused it. But I do know he hadn't taken his metformin that day, he'd had twice as much sugar as he should have had the day before, he hadn't eaten anything since breakfast and it was 9 at night, his blood sugar was 150 which is not horrible except that he hadn't eaten anything all day, and he was stressed out to the max. I put my foot down. Banned sweets completely for the forseeable future til he can control himself without me hovering. Put a two drink limit on diet sodas. And told him he needed to drink 8 cups of water everyday or nearly every day from now on. We're still going through with the SA tomorrow but I'm kinda at the point where I don't see the point in going. I think the fever probably did its damage and we won't be able to get an accurate picture of whether or not the clomid worked for him. But...we'll see.
Oh by the way I passed through the first round of interviews for a new store in town. So hopefully I'll have a new job soon!