Resilience

Resilience.
That's my new word of the day.
Resilience is defined in two ways

• the ability to become strong, healthy, or successful again after something bad happens
• the ability of something to return to its original shape after it has been pulled, stretched, pressed, bent, etc.

My aim for here on out is resiliency.
IF certainly qualifies as something bad happening, and it is definitely stretching, pulling, and bending every second of our lives.

Our Uro appt was on Tuesday and as I expected we didn't get good news. 150,000/ml with distinct abnormalities. I'm learning to roll with the punches. Dh not so much. He was visibly upset and frustrated. I'm not. It's just another push towards where I feel we will inevitably wind up. IVF. The Uro is keeping him on clomid. The odd guy sang and hummed through our entire appointment again. It didn't ruffle my feathers quite so much this time. However his parting comment did try to inch its way under my skin. 'It may take a year but we'll get this figured out.' In less than one month we will have been at this for 2 years. One fearing there was a problem, and another knowing there was a problem. Nu-uh. I'm not pussy-footing around for another year. You can forget it.
We have however decided to treat this 3 month cycle as a break. Our definition of a break. No charting. No TI. Fewer in-depth IF conversations. No pressure to perform our duties.
Dh will still be taking his medicine. I will be saving as much money as possible from my second job. My family and I will also begin the fundraising process, which quite frankly scares the crap out of me. For a person with a rather well-documented history of what my family calls people-phobia the idea of opening up the extremely private and emotional side of myself is terrifying. But you gotta do what you gotta do.
With some thoughtful advice from my favorite internet ladies, we've decided to go ahead with our RE consult as soon as possible. I'm waiting on my new schedule from work, which I'm supposed to get on Monday at orientation, before making the call. They only book 1-2 weeks in advance so I'm confident we can get in. I won't lie, I'm scared about what they will say. I'm scared that there will be more problems discovered that we didn't know about. I'm scared they will find a reason to say that even IVF is not an option for us.
In related news, Dh gave me his final word on the donor sperm option the night before our Uro appointment. And that word is no. I wish he had never brought it up again. I now have to process no all over again.
And finally on the fundraising front. Our tax refund money came in today and went straight into The Fund. Bringing our total to 4,000.