Hopes Dashed

Three days ago I was the most hopeful I have been in what feels like a very long time. Throughout our journey my husband and I have been agreed that IVF (invitro fertilization) was not going to be an option for us. While it is a relief to know what is and is not possible, taking that option off the table made it harder to have hope.
With our first semen analysis we were told that it would be nigh on impossible to get pregnant on our own, and that most likely not only would we need IVF but we would need a very special kind of IVF with something called ICSI or Intra cytoplasmic sperm injection. The simplified version of an IVF cycle is that a woman's eggs are harvested and a man's sperm is collected. The two are then placed together in a petri dish. Just like in a woman's body the strongest swimmers make it to the egg and hopefully fertilize it. The fertilized embryo is than transferred back into the uterus where it will hopefully implant. ICSI is used when there aren't very many sperm or the sperm that are available are not of high quality. In this scenerio the doctor handpicks the best looking sperm of the bunch and injects it directly into the egg, thereby doing all the work for it. The rest of the process is very similar.
Knowing that IVF was off the table for us meant that not only were our options limited but so was our best hope at achieving a biological child. We knew that we had to have a better semen analysis the next go so that maybe an IUI would become an option. IUI is intrauterine insemination also know as artificial insemination. 10 million is usually a low goal for IUI. We had 175,000. It was a long way to go. We could feel that wall looming in front of us. Where our options would go from few to one, adoption.
The main reason IVF was off the table to begin with was a combination of two things, cost and risk. I'd read that one IVF cycle could cost upwards of $30,000. The chance of it being sucessful is pretty close to 50%. Domestic infant adoption can also cost around the same amount, and though the child would not be biological ours and it would most likely take a few years instead of 9 months before I could ever hold our baby, it was a sure thing. At the end of the day we would have our child. I get buyer's remorse if a pair of $30 shoes don't work out, $30,000 out the window wasn't something either one of us could live with.
Three days ago while searching for IVF with ICSI clincal trials in my area I found a clinic within a few hours drive that offered an IVF guarentee program. I was intrigued and immediately clicked on the link. About $27,000 for IVF with ICSI, 3 fresh tries and all the frozen we would have leftover. Not only did the guarantee apply towards getting pregnant but to a live take home birth. Which meant that if  it failed and we never did get that take home baby we would get 100% of our money back. We could then pursue domestic adoption having known we tried every possible scenario. My husband and I were estatic. I started trying to figure out ways we could raise that kind of money. Suddenly the whole realm of hope was at our feet. We no longer had a looming approaching end date for treatments. We honestly couldn't have been happier with this new possibility.
Today we got his second Semen Analysis results and everything came crumbling down. We hoped for improvement. We were prepared for it to stay the same. We were not prepared at all for the news received. There were no live sperm. Not only that there were only 2 dead sperm. For all intents and purposes he was sterile. The hope we had so carefully cultivated and kept alive for the last 4 months and the last 3 days was destroyed. Utterly and entirely. We are saturated in sadness, anger, and frustration. There can be no IVF even with ICSI without sperm.
We're lost, set adrift. I do not know how we are going to make it through the next three months and our third and possibly final SA. If there is no improvement once again, if he is still sterile, we will put fertility treatments in the rearview and embrace adoption. But first we have to get there. Last time we had a little bit of hope that maybe we would see vast improvement from treating the diabetes and that maybe we could even see a natural pregnancy. It feels like that hope has been stolen from us. I don't know how to face the next three months of 'if' and waiting without that little piece of hope stringing us along.

On the Move

 Acryonms used in today's post:

DH: Dear Husband      

SA: Semen Analysis

Today DH finally went in for his second SA. We've been waiting to redo this test for 4 months. Four stinking months in limbo. When we started testing in March of this year we started first with bloodwork for me. Then an SA for him. My bloodwork came back perfect according to my ob. Dh was not so lucky. His results were depressing across the board. Sources vary as to what is normal. Though there a two pretty standard units of measurement, not every lab uses them. For example the lab my Obgyn uses at our local hospital has its own version of what is normal vs abnormal. The range of normal is stated as 60-150 million per milliliter. We were devasted to learn that my husband's count was 175 THOUSAND per milliliter. He also had low morphology (which is the shape of sperm) and motility (which is how they move). He had a high ph and high viscosity. We were immediately referred to a Urologist who explained our results a little more in depth. It was at this visit that we first learned that my husband could be diabetic. Which led to more doctor's visits this time with a general practioner. His diabetes was confirmed. All three doctors that we worked with concluded that his SA results were in direct relation to uncontrolled undiagnosed diabetes. We changed our entire lifestyle in the next couple of weeks.
It is thought to take 60 -70 days for sperm to be produced. Some sources state that it could take as few as 42 days and as much as 90 days. It also takes aproximately the same amount of time to get an accurate reading on your A1C, which is a ruling measurement when treating diabetes. We were able to get our A1C within normal levels in three months. We decided to be safe to wait one more month to make sure that the sperm produced would have been born during the time period when he had his A1C levels under control.
We won't know his results for a few days, maybe even as much as a week, but  it feels good to be moving forward again. Even if it's only for a brief moment in time. I'm ready for answers. I'm ready to know what's on the horizon for us, to plan for the if's that are currently lingering right outside of view. It feels good to move forward again, after so many months at a stand-still with little hope to pull us through.