A Burden Shared

A burden shared is a burden lessened.

This past weekend I shared my infertility burden with my grandparents. I've always been extremely close to them, there was even a short time when I was a kid that I spent all week with them and came home on the weekends. It didn't last very long, because my mother couldn't handle it, very few mothers could. But at the time my brother was in school and we couldn't afford childcare. It wasn't long til we moved to a piece of property adjacent to my grandparents. The only two houses at the end of a dead end road in the middle of woods and cow fields. Less than a 2 minute walk separated me from them on a daily basis. During the school year I spent the week at home and every possible hour of the weekend at Nana's house. During the summer my parents had to coax me back home. As an adult I visit every single weekend without fail for a several hour long card game.
My grandfather is an amazing 91 years old and is still the most incredible man I know. Until this past year this former californian was still chopping down trees. He walks probably a mile nearly everyday and just finished building, on his own, a shed for my grandmother who is 13 years younger than him. With a full head of white hair at the top of his six foot frame, it isn't too surprising that women my mother's age still hit on him! He taught me to swim, to bodysurf, to play poker, pool, and blackjack, shared his love of cats, let me stand on his toes to dance, bought me my first tent, boombox, alarm, and camped out with me in said tent more times than I can count. He used to sneak cookies up to me and my friends when it was well past midnight. In short he's always been my knight in shining armor.
My Nana is his exact opposite in so many ways. She's a diminutive woman, about 5'2" and country to the core. She has to be fixed up to go anywhere other than McDonald's for ice cream. Her house reminds me of Cracker Barrel and in fact she tells the story that she helped design the very first Cracker Barrel store. It's believable once you walk into the house she and her father built. She taught me to bake, to break eggs, to have an eye for decorating, to garden, and with her countless picture taking might have even inspired my photography.
These two people have been an integral part of my life from the beginning and yet they knew nothing about the struggle my husband and I have been dealing with. I did not realize until it was over how draining it had been keeping it from them. How hard it had been keeping the hurt inside, hiding the way a pregnancy announcement or baby talk made me feel. I thought I'd been pretty good at sheltering them from our situation. Until I talked to them. They both said that they had noticed I hadn't been my 'usual chipper happy self' for months now. Huh. I would never have described myself in that way. But they're right, I haven't been myself for quite a while. They were supportive and understanding. Happily suggesting adoption if it turns out we couldn't conceive. It makes me happy to know that if we need to go down that path to build our family that my entire immediate family will not only be comfortable with it but supportive. My Nana offered to help fundraise when we were ready, bake sales, yard sales, benefits, whatever we needed. My grandfather as usual injected some of his trademark humor into the conversation when I said that at the moment 'it would be a miracle if we conceived on our own'  He said and I quote ' If those darn catholics can do it with a virgin, there's hope for you too'.  We laughed til it was uncomfortable to laugh anymore and then played cards like nothing had changed. I shared my concerns that due to their age and the time involved in the infertility process that they might not get to meet any child I had. We decided to do a few recordings of them reading stories and sharing some of the little sayings and songs that I grew up with. I'm excited to have those things for the future. No matter what my child will know about them and know that even before s/he came along they were loved.
It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I can look forward again. I love not having to hide. It feels good to have their support in my corner and to know I have cheerleaders on my side. People who know how hard the journey was and how important and precious the destination is.

Warning Label

They should put a warning label on movies. They really should. 'This movie contains situations that couples suffering through infertility will find heartbreaking/too close to home.' Yeah, Okay so they're never going to do that.
Last night Hubby and I sat down for a movie night. A night to unwind and take our minds off things. We picked two light-hearted comedys. 'Big Fat Wedding' which features the likes of Robert DeNiro, Diane Keaton, Susan Sarandon, Katherine Heigl and Topher Grace(also known as the kid from 'that 70's show').  And 'Admission' with Tina Fey and Paul Rudd. We figured from the previews that they would be pretty safe bets.We were wrong.
Spoilers hereafter:
In 'Big Fat Wedding' Katherine Heigl's character is dealing with infertility and her marriage has fallen apart from the stress. 'Fours years of treatments and humiliation' The second those words popped out of her mouth, my husband stands up and goes 'Why the hell did we rent this?!" I just sat there my mouth kinda hanging open, squirming a little with the uncomfortableness. 'I didn't know that was in here, we wouldn't have got it. It wasn't in the previews.' Yeah so much for a light hearted comedy. It all turns out okay for Katherine Heigl's character she winds up pregnant, apparently by accident, (lets not even go into that!) and gets back together with her estranged husband. Might I add that it seems like more of a slap in the face since she also played in 'Knocked up'.
So we moved onto our second feature of the night. 'Admission'. We expected something even lighter here, maybe even a little bit of stupid funny. Uh Uh. Not what we got. Tina Fey's character gave away a child for adoption when she was young, Paul Rudd's is trying to get the kid and her together. Great, just great. Peachy. Not what we were looking forward to. There's a few heartwrenching parts where the kid talks about how lonely adoption is. I don't want to hear that.  My husband just shook his head when we realized what we were getting into, "Boy, we sure can pick them tonight."
It's amazing the level at which infertility affects us. We can't even have a movie night without being on guard.
Today the Urologist finally called us back, it's been almost a week! He suggested two options: wait 3 more months and repeat the Semen Analysis yet again or do a testicular biopsy. We're understandably not too fond of the second option, I mean what man jumps up and down at the prospect of having his man parts cut open and inspected. He hasn't decided yet which way to go. But I'm leaning towards repeating the Semen Analysis and if there is still no positive change, then maybe we'll do the biopsy. I want answers, but I don't want him to suffer any more than absolutely necessary. Anyways that's we're we are at, at the moment.
Oh, one more thing my niece turned one today. Happy Birthday to her.

In Design Overdrive

Wow I've been a busy busy little bee of late. Everyday I've been working on designs to put in our zazzle store. I've come up with some good ones, I think. Thought I might share some of them with you. All of these designs are for t-shirts and the like.

Looking Forward

I've decided to not let our current setback rule my life and wreck my plans. I've looked at the wall plaque my mother bought me about a hundred times since I hung it up. Everything is going to be alright. My husband loved it. He said it was just what he needed. I think its what we both need, that assurance that no matter what everything is going to be alright. No matter how things end up, how our story ends, we will be alright, because we have each other and people who love and care about us.
I know that whether we pursue IVF or adoption we are going to have to do some fundraising to reach our dream. We make enough money to take care of ourselves and a future little one but that kind of money isn't just lying around. We're looking at anywhere from $10,000 to $30,000 either way. Since we aren't exactly open about our infertility struggles fundraising could be more than a little difficult. And I don't feel comfortable about just asking for money.
With that in mind I'm starting a Zazzle store as our first line of fundraising defense. I can remain anonymous for the time being, which is what my husband and I both need for the time being. When our plan of action becomes a little more solidified in November, then maybe we'll open up about our troubles. It'll be almost 2 years at that point since we started out.
My other fundraising plans for the future will probably include a special fairy calendar and a fairy story book. There's also a froyo shop in our small home town that hosts fundraisers and gives 20% of the proceeds to your cause. I'm keeping that in mind as well.
I'm self-employed and I keep thinking if I could find another job that just paid $20k a year, that I could save every penny and have what we need in a year. So I'm looking into that as well. I've already got applications out at a local library and for a pharmacy tech training position.
If you have some other fundraising ideas you'd like to share or resources that might help, please let me know.
Regardless we're in this for the long haul. I have to do something to keep my eyes trained ahead because if I linger too long in this moment, I'm going to drown.
Also something that could be fundraising related but doesn't have to be, is I keep thinking I'd like to write a book about Infertility. One thing all of the women I've talked to can agree upon is how much harder the secrecy surrounding infertility makes the journey for those going through it. I'm still mulling it over in my head, but I think a readily available book could help wash away some of that secrecy. Usually I write fiction, but I think with some help I could make the jump. I'll talk more about it later, once I get a working outline figured out in my head.
So if you're interested in my Zazzle store, its www.zazzle.com/fairyblessings* . Fairy Blessings will be full of fairy artwork, t-shirts, and other products as well as inspirational images and quotes. All of the artwork and photographs will have been done by me or my mother (who by the way is an amazing artist). I'll slowly be building up a product base, so bear with me if it's a little empty at first. We'll get there. And if this sort of thing appeals to you, sign up for our product updates so you can find out when we get new stuff out there.

On my wall...

Thanks, Mom

Hopes Dashed

Three days ago I was the most hopeful I have been in what feels like a very long time. Throughout our journey my husband and I have been agreed that IVF (invitro fertilization) was not going to be an option for us. While it is a relief to know what is and is not possible, taking that option off the table made it harder to have hope.
With our first semen analysis we were told that it would be nigh on impossible to get pregnant on our own, and that most likely not only would we need IVF but we would need a very special kind of IVF with something called ICSI or Intra cytoplasmic sperm injection. The simplified version of an IVF cycle is that a woman's eggs are harvested and a man's sperm is collected. The two are then placed together in a petri dish. Just like in a woman's body the strongest swimmers make it to the egg and hopefully fertilize it. The fertilized embryo is than transferred back into the uterus where it will hopefully implant. ICSI is used when there aren't very many sperm or the sperm that are available are not of high quality. In this scenerio the doctor handpicks the best looking sperm of the bunch and injects it directly into the egg, thereby doing all the work for it. The rest of the process is very similar.
Knowing that IVF was off the table for us meant that not only were our options limited but so was our best hope at achieving a biological child. We knew that we had to have a better semen analysis the next go so that maybe an IUI would become an option. IUI is intrauterine insemination also know as artificial insemination. 10 million is usually a low goal for IUI. We had 175,000. It was a long way to go. We could feel that wall looming in front of us. Where our options would go from few to one, adoption.
The main reason IVF was off the table to begin with was a combination of two things, cost and risk. I'd read that one IVF cycle could cost upwards of $30,000. The chance of it being sucessful is pretty close to 50%. Domestic infant adoption can also cost around the same amount, and though the child would not be biological ours and it would most likely take a few years instead of 9 months before I could ever hold our baby, it was a sure thing. At the end of the day we would have our child. I get buyer's remorse if a pair of $30 shoes don't work out, $30,000 out the window wasn't something either one of us could live with.
Three days ago while searching for IVF with ICSI clincal trials in my area I found a clinic within a few hours drive that offered an IVF guarentee program. I was intrigued and immediately clicked on the link. About $27,000 for IVF with ICSI, 3 fresh tries and all the frozen we would have leftover. Not only did the guarantee apply towards getting pregnant but to a live take home birth. Which meant that if  it failed and we never did get that take home baby we would get 100% of our money back. We could then pursue domestic adoption having known we tried every possible scenario. My husband and I were estatic. I started trying to figure out ways we could raise that kind of money. Suddenly the whole realm of hope was at our feet. We no longer had a looming approaching end date for treatments. We honestly couldn't have been happier with this new possibility.
Today we got his second Semen Analysis results and everything came crumbling down. We hoped for improvement. We were prepared for it to stay the same. We were not prepared at all for the news received. There were no live sperm. Not only that there were only 2 dead sperm. For all intents and purposes he was sterile. The hope we had so carefully cultivated and kept alive for the last 4 months and the last 3 days was destroyed. Utterly and entirely. We are saturated in sadness, anger, and frustration. There can be no IVF even with ICSI without sperm.
We're lost, set adrift. I do not know how we are going to make it through the next three months and our third and possibly final SA. If there is no improvement once again, if he is still sterile, we will put fertility treatments in the rearview and embrace adoption. But first we have to get there. Last time we had a little bit of hope that maybe we would see vast improvement from treating the diabetes and that maybe we could even see a natural pregnancy. It feels like that hope has been stolen from us. I don't know how to face the next three months of 'if' and waiting without that little piece of hope stringing us along.

On the Move

 Acryonms used in today's post:

DH: Dear Husband      

SA: Semen Analysis

Today DH finally went in for his second SA. We've been waiting to redo this test for 4 months. Four stinking months in limbo. When we started testing in March of this year we started first with bloodwork for me. Then an SA for him. My bloodwork came back perfect according to my ob. Dh was not so lucky. His results were depressing across the board. Sources vary as to what is normal. Though there a two pretty standard units of measurement, not every lab uses them. For example the lab my Obgyn uses at our local hospital has its own version of what is normal vs abnormal. The range of normal is stated as 60-150 million per milliliter. We were devasted to learn that my husband's count was 175 THOUSAND per milliliter. He also had low morphology (which is the shape of sperm) and motility (which is how they move). He had a high ph and high viscosity. We were immediately referred to a Urologist who explained our results a little more in depth. It was at this visit that we first learned that my husband could be diabetic. Which led to more doctor's visits this time with a general practioner. His diabetes was confirmed. All three doctors that we worked with concluded that his SA results were in direct relation to uncontrolled undiagnosed diabetes. We changed our entire lifestyle in the next couple of weeks.
It is thought to take 60 -70 days for sperm to be produced. Some sources state that it could take as few as 42 days and as much as 90 days. It also takes aproximately the same amount of time to get an accurate reading on your A1C, which is a ruling measurement when treating diabetes. We were able to get our A1C within normal levels in three months. We decided to be safe to wait one more month to make sure that the sperm produced would have been born during the time period when he had his A1C levels under control.
We won't know his results for a few days, maybe even as much as a week, but  it feels good to be moving forward again. Even if it's only for a brief moment in time. I'm ready for answers. I'm ready to know what's on the horizon for us, to plan for the if's that are currently lingering right outside of view. It feels good to move forward again, after so many months at a stand-still with little hope to pull us through.

The Roundabout Analogy

Most people will never understand what it feels like to be infertile. It's one of those experiences in life that people can't understand unless they've been through it themselves. Sometimes its hard to remember that and to give people a break when I feel like strangling them. So to that end I've been trying to come up with a simple analogy that even begins to touch on the feelings that an infertility diagnosis brings into a person's life. I thought about the pause button and the elevator but I finally settled on something else. Here's what I've come up with...

Imagine for a moment that there's this place that you want to go, it's the end all be all for you whether its a concert, amusement park, museum exhibit, natural park, and its only going to be open for a limited amount of time.Everyone you know who has experienced it can't keep from telling you how it changed their life, in a good way. You get up with the sunrise, pack the car with goodies and snacks, and head out eager for what the day will bring with only your significant other for company. The first part of your trip is wonderful. Your favorite songs play on the radio. The scenery that passes by outside your window is breathtaking, and the traffic almost non-exisistent. You're excited, eager, maybe even a little tremoulous, I mean what if it isn't all it's cracked up to be, right? When you reach the roundabout you are already feeling a tad bit antsy and ready to get out of the car. The one lane road you've been traveling turns into two lanes as you enter the roundabout and due to no fault of your own your car is forced into the inner lane. You circle around one time and miss your exit. Minutes later you've missed it several more times. The people who entered the roundabout with you have already found the right exit. The people who entered the roundabout after you have found the exit. But you can't get over. The people in the outside lane won't let you in. You wonder if they just don't notice you or if they're keeping you penned in out of spite. Hours pass and you are now dizzy from all the circles you've made. It seems like hundreds of cars have entered the roundabout and found their way out, but not you. Depending on your personality you may have a serious case of road rage going on right now. Your cell phone rings and someone, most likely a family member, asks why you haven't arrived yet. Their tone is either worried or accusing, and you respond in kind before hanging up. The sun has made its way across the sky and you feel like time is running out. Some of the cars that passed you by the first time are on their way back out, balloons and streamers flying from their bumpers, whopping and hollering, estatic with how their day went. The new cars that enter the roundabout are sometimes less than polite, honking, letting the finger fly, yelling out their windows at you. It makes you feel horrible but there you are stuck going around and around with no way out, dizzy and sick to your stomach. If you have a smartphone friends and family are blowing up your feed with pictures from their trip. The pictures have cute little captions like 'Best day of my life' 'If you've never been here, you're missing out' and 'If you've never gone, you can't understand what its like', not to mention the odd 'My life had no meaning before I went'. People are calling asking where you are and giving unsolicited unhelpful advice. Some of them don't even have a driver's license, I mean how does that even work? At this point you have few options.

• A. You will eventually get over and find your exit and reach the location before its gone forever. Though at this point you're realistically skeptical of that happening. 
• B. You will take a different exit. It will eventually take you to pretty much the same place, but it's full of tolls, bumpy roads, and horriblly planned roadways that seem to double back more than they go straight, not to mention taking twice as long. 
• C. You will give up and get off on the exit you came in on, go home, and live your life resolved with the fact that you're never getting there. 
• D. You will run out of gas. Your car will sputter to a stop. You will have to wait for the tow truck who will have to take you back to the gas station to refill. And who knows how long that will take, or how much it will cost. Some of you will never get back on that road again. 

Now for just a moment imagine that this wasn't one day of your life. Imagine that it was everyday of your life for months or years on end.Those emotions you felt. Anger, bitterness, desperation, sorrow, longing and more, are there every single day and they just build and build. That's a glimpse into infertility, except its not just some place you're trying to reach, its parenthood, its a child looking up at you, its passing on traditions and memories, it's a biological right that everything from insects to oak trees has without another thought, except you.

Infertility affects 1 in 10 couples. 1 in 10 couples are stuck on that roundabout.
And in case you don't know the frustration of a roundabout...

My experience with the roundabout came in 2009 on my honeymoon to Ireland. We left each one frazzled and anxious and they were tiny roundabouts! It sucks that we seem to be stuck on one yet again.

An Introduction to if

if - a word that represents the state of being in limbo, a slave to one or more conditions being met or granted with the inability to plan or move forward without knowing the final state in which you will eventually fall into. The above conditions often being out of the realm of control of the person whom it most affects.

 A simple scenario that showcases the effect if has on our life. You have plans to meet with a friend tomorrow and go for a walk in the park. What if it rains tomorrow? What if if she doesn't show? What if the park is closed for construction? What if your car breaks down on the way there? What if you get sick? What if she gets sick? What if you fall on the unforgiving sidewalk? What if there's a baseball game going on when you get there? The list of if continues on and on ad infinitum. And that's just the small stuff. But if doesn't stop there. It expands and consumes not content to munch on the inconsequential, if craves the bigger stage of life events. What if I get married? What if I get a divorce? What if we buy a house? What if we rent instead? What if we have children? What if we can't have children? What if I die tomorrow? Etc and etc. The answer to each question opens up another line of questions whose answer opens up another and so on and so forth, til you have a tree branch of questions and answers that spans the length and breadth of the universe.

Now onto me. I'm Titianna and for the moment you can call me the if fairy. Since I'm obviously not a real fairy I don't have a magic wand and I can't just wave it around to fix problems. If I did things would be much easier. See! There's that word again. Instead I'll pick a grain of if from the swirling nimbus of unknown that floats around me and use it as a lens through which to see the world. Do you need alittle more about me? Okay then. I'm a 26 year old woman who is happily married to an amazing unique fella. I write, take pictures, DIY it up, cook, crochet, and a million other things in the course of a day. We have two furbabies, kitty cats, Claire and Cleo with whom we share our lake adjacent 2 bedroom cozy cottage. Me in a nutshell.

There's alot of if in my life to choose from. One of the bigger if's that will be discussed in depth in this blog will be the big if of infertility. Which serendipitously is abbreviated in the web world as IF, all capital letters. My husband and I are not open with the people in our everyday life about our infertility struggles and I imagine I'll be using this blog as an outlet for the stress and heartache that comes along with this journey. 

The blog won't always be about IF, it'll be just as the title states living life in if. There's a whole lot of life out there and a whole lot of if in it.