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Sunday, November 24, 2013

I got it!

Whoot Whoot!
The vet just called to tell me I have the position. Awesome! I can really begin saving now. One step closer. I go in tomorrow to pick up some literature to study and then on the 2nd I go in for my first real day. It'll be part time for now which works for me since it will help ease me back into working for someone else. She knew I wanted full time and offered me a second position at her second office a few towns over. I was so tempted. But while it's only 30 minutes from one office to another. It would be well over an hour for me to travel to the second from home. Tempted greatly but I turned her offer down.
In other news I had one of those icky IF moments again today. I had a christmas photo session with a couple that I've worked with before. They're older and had two dogs that they treated like their children. I actually assumed that they were probably dealing with IF as well. When I got there I was greeted by a third doggie. Apparently Santa brought him last year. It's fun getting three dogs to pose for pictures. Almost through with the session she mentions she has another idea for a pose, because she's expecting. I can feel my mom/assistant cringe. I try not though it was definitely an unexpected turn to my day. She tells me she's 41. It was a surprise. Happened on vacation. And yes they thought they couldn't have kids. I commiserate with her alittle. She beams and tells me 'It really can just happen!' I can hardly imagine having a child at 41. I've never known anyone to have had kids at that age. 36 is the latest around here. We get finished with the session and head out to the car. Mom pats me on the shoulder as we pull out of the drive that puppy dog look on her face. I'm fine I tell her and though those first few second felt like a punch to the gut it really is true. She tells me she was afraid I was going to cry when the lady broke the news. I laugh and tell her I'm not quite the emotional basketcase to cry openly in front of a client, not just yet.
In better news we're going to TUNICA! Yay! My grandparents, two great aunts, and a family friend are all going for a week for Thanksgiving and they happened to have an extra room for three nights. Well heck yeah free hotel! Dh says it could practically be a script for one of those movies. A young couple going to a casino with 4 old couples, lol.  Dh has never been past the Mississippi river and I haven't been to Tunica since I was around 14 and couldn't gamble or partake. Best part it should be just before O day so I can drink and we can enjoy ourselves. Maybe we'll come back with more money than we leave with, wouldn't that be awesome. I'm setting aside 25 dollars a day and no more to play with and we won't be getting there til too late to gamble on Thursday anyways. So I think I can live with myself if I blow 50 dollars.
And bonus I'll have a job to come back to on Monday so it's not like I won't be getting that money back anytime soon.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Why do they think that's okay?

Seriously why do people think its okay to badger other people about their babymaking time-table. Why?!
Today started out crappy with the arrival of cd1. Expected but still crappy. I remember before b/c pills that even though I went super heavy for 5-6 days at a time, I never cramped, got bloated or emotional, had nausea, or bowl distress during my cycle. The worst thing I had to worry about was fatigue, headache, and weakness that could be cured with tuna or a steak.  During b/c I experienced the occasional bowl distress but shorter lighter periods at 3-4 days. After b/c I get the whole freaking shabang almost every month, the only positive being that my periods are down to about 2 days now. So that started off my morning. Yay : /  
After dealing with a bit of unpleasantness with my inlaws I headed out to meet my Nana for a day. It's been way too long since we had a day. Even uncomfortable and sad I was looking forward to it. It was a lot of fun, just pecking around town looking at this and that and basically doing a whole lot of nothing. About an hour before we called it a night, I hear someone call out to us from across the store. It's S. You may remember from a previous blog post the cousin my family adopted who then ran out on us the second she turned 18. That's S. I was in a good mood so seeing her didn't immediately put a rock in my gut for once. I smiled, waved, and watched her approach. She chatted me up about this and that, mostly my parents and the rest of the family. Then she bends over to get eye level with my stomach, reaches out and pats my stomach, and goes, 'Girl, when you gonna start having some babies. It's about time. Don't you think you need to get on that.' I managed to keep the smile on my face but I know my eyes went dead. I could FEEL them get hard. I clenched my teeth and growled, 'No' while my Nana quickly goes, "They're having fun practicing." S laughs then turns back around and goes, "Seriously aren't you like the only grandkid..."
"No," I interjected quickly, " T. is two years younger than me. She doesn't have kids either."
"Oh right, I always forget about T." The conversation thankfully moves away from the topic. She continues on aimlessly somehow missing all the subtle clues that I'm no longer in a good mood and would like the conversation to end. Honestly if you can't pick up on those clues you either a. don't know the person well enough to be asking that level of personal question or b. you don't give a damn in the first place. She finally turns to leave. She only gets about 5 paces away before turning back around and saying, "Really, Cindal, hurry up and start having them kids."  I want to scream at her.  I settle for punching my own hip repeatedly. A few minutes later my Nana asks if I'm feeling alright cause I look a little pale. I brush it off and we head on to the next store. I branch off from her the first chance I get so that I can get my emotions under control. There I am wandering through the shoe aisle all glassy eyed and sniffling trying to keep the tide down. Thank god no one saw me moping. We tried going in a few more stores but I just couldn't recapture my previous contentment so I called it a night, citing weather concerns and encroaching darkness.  
One of these days I'm going to let someone have it for asking those kinds of questions. One of these days...

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Working Interview

Today I went in for my working interview at the vet's office. Having absolutely no experience with a 'working' interview I had no idea what to expect. I got up early after tossing and turning all night long, looking at the clock as if I expected those numbers to magically fly by and tell me it was time to get up. I had a bowl of cereal fussed at my husband for sleeping on the couch and for having a rather large piece of cake after I went to bed. As if I wouldn't notice. I got there about 10 minutes early and one of the girls led me into the back. They introduced me to Carmicheal, one of 5 resident kitties. This cat could give Claire a run for her money. He is huge, fluffy, and has gorgeous blue eyes. Just petting him, I could feel some of my nervousness settle down. Interestingly enough while I was introduced to all the furry creatures, somehow I never got names from the people. There's an owl with a broken wing, a large macaw, Bianca the cockatoo, Carmichael, Rascal, Samson, and I want to say the last cat's name was Mama. My quick tour ended in the kennel and we made our way back up to the front to become acquainted with their computer system. It's a lot of right-clicking but otherwise doesn't seem too awfully complicated as long as I can read everyone's handwriting on the charts. Which I discovered may be at times a little difficult. Apparently vets and vet techs fall into the category of doctor handwriting. I did a few transactions, sent a fax, but mostly just watched. I watched them check a kitty's glucose levels, watched another kitty get a shot, watched a heartworm test, paid close attention to how they answered phones to create a script in my mind, listened to descriptions and explanations of popular flea and heartworm medicine. All in all I learned quite a bit. So from what I gather a 'working' interview is basically an orientation. It felt alot like a first day. Since the other vet didn't really talk to me, I'm assuming that today was to see how I meshed with the other girls. I'm sure they'll give their report to the dr. and that'll be my deciding factor. Who knows. At any rate my four hours flew by. I definitely think once I get passed the learning curve I could work there.
As far as IF related stuff. I'm 12dpo this morning. Spotting today, day before yesterday, and the day before that. Interestingly enough no spotting yesterday. Temps are still high but that doesn't stop me from expecting AF tomorrow or the next day if this turns out to be a slightly longer luteal phase. Dh has so far had no side effects from the clomid, so YAY! for that. Just chugging along.  Also sold something else in my Zazzle store. So I'm 50 cents closer to a check. At this right it will take forever. But I'm inclined to leave it up because a sale makes my day.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

That feels good!

It feels good to have hope again. So good.
We had our Urologist appointment yesterday. We were prepared for the worst. And thankfully for once this year, we didn't get it. Our count went up from 175,000 to 425,000. While its a long shot away from anything even resembling normal its a step in the right direction. And the Uro decided to write DH a script for 3 months of clomid. We can only hope that the clomid will cause his counts to skyrocket. I'm not going to count on it, but the hope is still there.
And finally something that qualifies as good news! I can't tell you how long its been since we got really good news. The feeling almost felt alien after so much time being down and disappointed. My Dh works for a contracting company for Nissan. So basically he does the same stuff as the Nissan guys working longer hours for less pay and less benefits. It's been two years. Last night after we got home he checked his email. There was an offer of employment there. Whoohoo! Hopefully before the year is out he'll be switched over and be a real Nissan employee. So awesome.
Then this morning, I get a call... from the vet's office.  It took them two and a half weeks after my initial interview but this morning they called to schedule a working interview for Tuesday. Basically from what I understand, I'll go in, shadow/work without pay, and they'll decide if I'm a good fit. Getting this job would be a great step in the right direction for us. I would finally be able to start saving up money for treatments. Right now our fund sits at a measly $140.00 . Far cry from my guesstimated $13,000.
Also early yesterday morning I got a text from a former client. We hit it off when I did her engagement pictures, and then her wedding, and then a few months later her kids' pictures. She said she was interested in going hiking once a week and was wondering if I knew of any good hiking places close by. And if I would like to join her, because she'd like to just hang out with me sometime. I tell you what that put a huge smile on my face. I don't make friends very easily, I never have. I'm excited for my 'chick date'.
So much good news in such a short time after such a long time without it, I swear I'm giddy.
I also started thinking about doing a gift wrapping service fundraiser and got my mom to agree to go in it with me if I don't get this job. I was thinking set up at the local mall and wrap gifts for donations.
Also I sold something else on Zazzle which made me dive back into designing. Thanks my Canadian friend. I hope you enjoy the shirt. With my husband spurring me on I started a Christmas Card site. Which is here           www.cards.yolasite.com 

Thursday, November 7, 2013

One step forward, two steps back

It should be called the IF shuffle. Except there's no music. Just the sound of your own heart beating, the silence in the room, the tears you refuse to cry.
Right now we're in tortuous limbo yet again. We finally managed to do our third SA. They called yesterday to let us know the results were in and to schedule an appointment. They refused to let us have the results without an appointment which I frankly think is just blackmail. Especially since we sure as heck are not going forward with this Uro. Good or bad it doesn't change that fact. The appointment is on Monday. I'm a little pissed that we have to wait a whole nother weekend, but I'm more pissed about letting go of that copay when I know its going to be wasted and could be used for something else. We're operating under the assumption that everything is still horrible. We know for a fact it couldn't get any worse, but we aren't expecting it to get better either. It's a way to guard ourselves. Prepare for the worst and be pleasantly surprised if that doesn't happen.
Our step forward, DH finally opened up about our IF to his family. This week while his father was in for triple bypass surgery (he's out and doing good by the way) he confided in his family. This is a huge step for him. It made me happy to hear that he was willing to share. It made me just a tad giddy that his brother suggested a sperm donor as a solution to our problems. I have for the recorded suggested this only twice before, once before we knew what the problem was and we were going over all possible outcomes and solutions and once after. DH has been very much against it. I don't even bring it up because he has such a strong reaction to the option. Yay that someone close to him brought it up for me and even more yay that that someone was a man. I kinda feel a little guilty about those yay's.
Our two steps back. I decided a little while ago that I wasn't in the right mental frame of mind yet to truly consider adoption. Not with an open heart. And I refuse to go into it, if there's a chance at all that I wouldn't ever accept this path as the right one. Maybe one day it will be, but not until I know I've done all I can to have a child of my own, to be pregnant even just once. I told DH that for now I want to take adoption off the table. No more talks, no more suggestions. For now it's not an option that I can find peace with. Unfortunately he didn't seem to get that memo that off the table means off the table. We watched Shark Tank, a couple on there adopted. He looks at me and goes, "Look at that beautiful little girl that they ADOPTED." and yes he really did emphasis it like that. I didn't say anything just left the room. It irked me though. He brought it up in the car about a week ago. I reminded him that I didn't want to talk about it right now. Today he did it again. Out of the blue his voice came from the living room, "Hey would you be interested in adopting out of the country instead?" I got up from desk, patiently explained that it would cost just as much if not more to do so.  When he said donor sperm was off the table months ago I haven't brought it up again. I refused to make him feel pressured or guilty for that decision. He can't even leave my option off the table for a few weeks. I got a little angry, I admit. I reminded him again that I wanted it off the table for a little while. He kept pushing. So I pushed back, 'why are you so gungho about adoption if you won't even consider a sperm donor.' We got into an emotional conversation. It never got heated enough to become an argument but it still wasn't pleasant. He couldn't explain his stance. All the problems that he has with a sperm donor are the same ones we would face through adoption and then some. I told him that I wouldn't bring it back up again, that it was his position to do so and that he shouldn't bring adoption back in to the conversation because that was my position to do so. Afterall we're not going forward with anything unless we're both on board, right? He closed down a few minutes in, sat sulking on the couch tapping on his knee, and then went to bed about three hours early.
 I probably shouldn't have pushed back. But I can't help but feel that his stance is incredibly unfair. There's nothing wrong with me that we've been able to find. Why shouldn't I get that experience? And if the tables were reversed I would be fine with an egg donor, hell I would even be fine with a surrogate, because it would be related to at least one of us. It wouldn't bother me at all. I feel like he's saying if I can't be a biological parent then neither can you. And then I get angry and then I feel guilty for getting angry. And I feel like he's pushing and pressuring me towards adoption and I'm not ready. And then I get angry all over again.
I hate that this journey seems to be built on anger and guilt, anger and guilt sprinkled with massive doses of sorrow and just enough hope that it hurts when you get knocked on your ass. 
Oh and no call back from that job so I guess that didn't pan out either :(