I almost can't believe that after this long of a wait that we're finally moving forward. It seems so surreal. I've 'known' for over a year and 3 months that IVF was our only option. I 'knew' it after Dh's first SA. A small part of me suspected it a while before that. To know where we would eventually end up and still have to go this long has been tortuous but while I knew and accepted the inevitibility of our situation sometimes it takes other people longer to catch up. Dh was one of those people. And now, we're almost there. One more cycle between me and the end of the proverbial road.
Today I had my SIS or saline sonogram, got some blood taken, did the nurse education class, and paid for our IVF cycle (excepting meds). Since Dr. Murray wasn't available today I saw Dr. Scotchie again. The SIS wasn't at all what I was expecting as far as discomfort levels. It hurt less than a regular pap smear which was honestly quite a relief and I didn't cramp at all. Dr. Scotchie showed me my 'perfect' and 'cooperative' uterus on the screen though in most situations it just looked like a black blob to me. I'll take her word for it. Then with a big smile she said 'the home is ready and waiting.' I couldn't help but smile back.
I took my mother with me this time when I visited the clinic simply because a. its a long ass drive down there and b. I didn't know how I would react to the SIS . She stayed with me for the whole appointment and as we were going through the nurse education class I think the severity and complexity of the situation finally hit her. I've tried to explain it to her before but it wasn't until the nurse started going over my meds list and how to mix and give myself shots that you could see it truly dawning on her. She seemed almost over whelmed even though I was prepared to hear just about everything the nurse had to say thanks to my wonderfully amazing internet friends.
I can't even imagine how much more overwhelmed she would have been if we were doing conventional IVF instead of Natural/Mini.
Then the blood draw which was way better than the last time. No bruise!
Then it was time to pay for our cycle. That stung quite a bit more than the blood draw. All that money, all that time, all that pain from working, all of it gone in a matter of seconds with no guarantee that I'll have anything to show for it in the end. But maybe I will and if that's the case its more than worth it.
I've got eight hundred dollars left in the fund with the option to put maybe another 4 in when my final paychecks hit. It should be more than enough to pay for my final meds. Dr. Murray suggested I save at least 500 for them and that by saving a thousand I should be more than covered.
This is happening. Holy crap.
When we got in the car to go home my mom just sorta rested her hands on the steering wheel and with this fierce scowl says "I hate Phil right now." I just laughed. I know she doesn't mean it. All she sees is HER baby going through something terribly invasive, painful, and emotionally distressing.
When we finally parted ways for the day she hugged me extra tight big shiny eyes and said quietly into my hair, 'I wish you didn't have to go through this.' Yeah me too, mom. But this is life, my life in particular.
Well tonight is an overnight at work. My last overnight!! Whoohoo. But having gotten up at 5:30 this morning with only a three hour nap this afternoon I expect it to be one heck of a night. Boo. But it's the last one. And then there's only three more working days til I'm free!
header
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Friday, June 20, 2014
MIA
So I didn't realize exactly how long it had been since I updated anyone about anything. So if you're ready to jump into this roller coaster that's been my life here it goes. Strap yourself in for a long ride.
When last we talked we were waiting for our follow up with the RE.
It did not go well. We found out through my genetic testing that I have a MTHFR Deficiency which puts us at 3 times the risk of having a child with some sort of defect since I apparently do not process folic acid in the way I should. We also found out that I'm a carrier for a blood clotting disease and that its one of the diseases where just being a carrier puts you at risk. The dr recommended a speciality folate pill to combat the first problem and said that in the event of success he would put me on some sort of blood thinner for the entirety of my pregnancy to combat the risk of the other. Getting pregnant no longer seems the only problem ahead of us. Then he went on to discuss DH's results. No he does not have retrograde. No his count didn't improve at all. He thinks perhaps that DH might have a chromosomal abnormality. In which case our chances of a healthy embryo are in 1 in 6. 1 in 6! We're only doing Natural IVF we'll be lucky if we get 2 eggs much less more than one embryo! Crushed can only describe that moment. So we sent his blood out for a karotype test and decided that in the event that it came back abnormal we would give up on ttc. It would be over.
I had a rough couple of days after that even went home from work the first day cause I couldn't handle it. I moped around, I got angry, and then I got better. I started to make peace. We talked about how we would use the money in the bank for other things. I started trying to plan for a life without kids. I found my peace again. In my head I'd already decided that the karotype would come back abnormal because there has to be a reason for Dh's issues. For the next three weeks that feeling only grew. I had reached a place where I was ready and willing to move on with our lives.
A few days before the three week mark DH came home and surprised me with an offer letter from his work. He got this massive promotion! So very happy on so many levels. Things are finally looking up for us. With the new position he'll bring home more by himself than we were both bringing home before.
A few days later the clinic called with his karotype results. They're normal. I'm floored and surprised and unsure of what to do. And sadly not as happy as I should have been. I felt like for a little bit I stepped off the roller coaster and this news thrust me right back on again. For a little bit I found me again instead of the ttc obsessed lady I had become over the past two years. I was a little loathe to go back. But I'm in it for the long haul so I called the clinic back and received instructions to call with my next period.
A few days after that I got my orthotics for my foot. They freaking hurt! So bad. Not the relief I was hoping for but the Dr. assured me I just need to break them in.On the fourth, fifth, and sixth day of wearing them I stalled out at four hours. I could not bring myself to wear them for even an hour more even though on the sixth day I'm supposed to be up to six hours.
Around the first of this month we thought we had his old car sold. In fact he had the money in hand for a few hours. They called back and wanted a refund since the car was suddenly exhibiting transmission issues. We, being good people, agreed and went to pick it up. The car barely made it back to the house. Stupid kid must have rode it awfully damn hard to cause that kind of reaction in a few hours.
On the 9th I got an emergency call at work. It was DH he'd been in a car wreck. I flew out of that place like a bat out of hell. I thought of all the horrible things that could have happened. I thought about how alone I would be without him. When I saw his truck sticking out of a three foot deep ditch like a demented candle on a birthday cake I thought I would lose it. But there DH was just standing on the side of the road laughing and joking with his favorite mechanic. Dh was fine. The truck was totaled. I became insanely grateful that we hadn't sold the old car because DH had planned to take full coverage off the truck if he had. And I became grateful that the kid tore up the car because if he hadn't DH would have been driving it instead and the little bitty sports car would not have held up like the truck did. I began to call the past week a blessing in disguise.
The next day I put in my two week notice at work. We're down to one vehicle and his new job is way more important than my piddly one that causes me constant pain, plus now that we know we're going ahead with IVF I sincerely don't think my bitch of a boss would be very accommodating with the sudden changes in my schedule. My last day will be the 1st of July. I called my family and arranged to borrow one of their extra cars in the meantime.
On the 12th I go to pick up my temporary ride. My father's baby, his silver stick shift convertible. Ehh. On the way we get a call from the insurance which up until this point has been less than stellar to work with. They're paying off the truck and cutting us a check. For 11,000 dollars! Holy crap. We only paid 7,000 for the truck two years ago. Wow. Just wow. I'm definitely on my blessing in disguise kick now since DH wasn't hurt.
Over the next week I drive my dad's car back and forth to work and on errands. Which getting groceries in a baby sports car is like playing tetris. I hate how impatient people are and how close they get on your ass especially on a hill. I kill that poor car at least once or twice almost every day I drive it just trying to get free of a stop light. Never realized how many hills there are in this little town. Nervous freaking wreck over here. It's been over ten years since last I drove a stick.
The day before yesterday the check for the truck arrives. Dh immediately runs out and buys another vehicle. A 2012 Nissan Sentra with 30k miles on it. It's worth about 5k more than he gets it for.
Yesterday was CD1. I called the clinic and set up my saline sonogram, ivf labs, nurse education class (Also called how to stick yourself), dh's ivf labs and a mock transfer. Whew. The first part of which will be on Thursday. Which will be one hell of a day since I'll have to go to the clinic early in the morning and then work an overnight (my last overnight!) at work. The second part will be on the following Monday. And then and then it will be a waiting game til I start my period again. AND THEN we'll be cycling! Eeek! Moving forward again.
So to make a very long story short I had more than a few good reasons for being MIA lately. And if you stuck around to read all of that and catch up with me...thank you.
When last we talked we were waiting for our follow up with the RE.
It did not go well. We found out through my genetic testing that I have a MTHFR Deficiency which puts us at 3 times the risk of having a child with some sort of defect since I apparently do not process folic acid in the way I should. We also found out that I'm a carrier for a blood clotting disease and that its one of the diseases where just being a carrier puts you at risk. The dr recommended a speciality folate pill to combat the first problem and said that in the event of success he would put me on some sort of blood thinner for the entirety of my pregnancy to combat the risk of the other. Getting pregnant no longer seems the only problem ahead of us. Then he went on to discuss DH's results. No he does not have retrograde. No his count didn't improve at all. He thinks perhaps that DH might have a chromosomal abnormality. In which case our chances of a healthy embryo are in 1 in 6. 1 in 6! We're only doing Natural IVF we'll be lucky if we get 2 eggs much less more than one embryo! Crushed can only describe that moment. So we sent his blood out for a karotype test and decided that in the event that it came back abnormal we would give up on ttc. It would be over.
I had a rough couple of days after that even went home from work the first day cause I couldn't handle it. I moped around, I got angry, and then I got better. I started to make peace. We talked about how we would use the money in the bank for other things. I started trying to plan for a life without kids. I found my peace again. In my head I'd already decided that the karotype would come back abnormal because there has to be a reason for Dh's issues. For the next three weeks that feeling only grew. I had reached a place where I was ready and willing to move on with our lives.
A few days before the three week mark DH came home and surprised me with an offer letter from his work. He got this massive promotion! So very happy on so many levels. Things are finally looking up for us. With the new position he'll bring home more by himself than we were both bringing home before.
A few days later the clinic called with his karotype results. They're normal. I'm floored and surprised and unsure of what to do. And sadly not as happy as I should have been. I felt like for a little bit I stepped off the roller coaster and this news thrust me right back on again. For a little bit I found me again instead of the ttc obsessed lady I had become over the past two years. I was a little loathe to go back. But I'm in it for the long haul so I called the clinic back and received instructions to call with my next period.
A few days after that I got my orthotics for my foot. They freaking hurt! So bad. Not the relief I was hoping for but the Dr. assured me I just need to break them in.On the fourth, fifth, and sixth day of wearing them I stalled out at four hours. I could not bring myself to wear them for even an hour more even though on the sixth day I'm supposed to be up to six hours.
Around the first of this month we thought we had his old car sold. In fact he had the money in hand for a few hours. They called back and wanted a refund since the car was suddenly exhibiting transmission issues. We, being good people, agreed and went to pick it up. The car barely made it back to the house. Stupid kid must have rode it awfully damn hard to cause that kind of reaction in a few hours.
On the 9th I got an emergency call at work. It was DH he'd been in a car wreck. I flew out of that place like a bat out of hell. I thought of all the horrible things that could have happened. I thought about how alone I would be without him. When I saw his truck sticking out of a three foot deep ditch like a demented candle on a birthday cake I thought I would lose it. But there DH was just standing on the side of the road laughing and joking with his favorite mechanic. Dh was fine. The truck was totaled. I became insanely grateful that we hadn't sold the old car because DH had planned to take full coverage off the truck if he had. And I became grateful that the kid tore up the car because if he hadn't DH would have been driving it instead and the little bitty sports car would not have held up like the truck did. I began to call the past week a blessing in disguise.
The next day I put in my two week notice at work. We're down to one vehicle and his new job is way more important than my piddly one that causes me constant pain, plus now that we know we're going ahead with IVF I sincerely don't think my bitch of a boss would be very accommodating with the sudden changes in my schedule. My last day will be the 1st of July. I called my family and arranged to borrow one of their extra cars in the meantime.
On the 12th I go to pick up my temporary ride. My father's baby, his silver stick shift convertible. Ehh. On the way we get a call from the insurance which up until this point has been less than stellar to work with. They're paying off the truck and cutting us a check. For 11,000 dollars! Holy crap. We only paid 7,000 for the truck two years ago. Wow. Just wow. I'm definitely on my blessing in disguise kick now since DH wasn't hurt.
Over the next week I drive my dad's car back and forth to work and on errands. Which getting groceries in a baby sports car is like playing tetris. I hate how impatient people are and how close they get on your ass especially on a hill. I kill that poor car at least once or twice almost every day I drive it just trying to get free of a stop light. Never realized how many hills there are in this little town. Nervous freaking wreck over here. It's been over ten years since last I drove a stick.
The day before yesterday the check for the truck arrives. Dh immediately runs out and buys another vehicle. A 2012 Nissan Sentra with 30k miles on it. It's worth about 5k more than he gets it for.
Yesterday was CD1. I called the clinic and set up my saline sonogram, ivf labs, nurse education class (Also called how to stick yourself), dh's ivf labs and a mock transfer. Whew. The first part of which will be on Thursday. Which will be one hell of a day since I'll have to go to the clinic early in the morning and then work an overnight (my last overnight!) at work. The second part will be on the following Monday. And then and then it will be a waiting game til I start my period again. AND THEN we'll be cycling! Eeek! Moving forward again.
So to make a very long story short I had more than a few good reasons for being MIA lately. And if you stuck around to read all of that and catch up with me...thank you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)