I almost can't believe that after this long of a wait that we're finally moving forward. It seems so surreal. I've 'known' for over a year and 3 months that IVF was our only option. I 'knew' it after Dh's first SA. A small part of me suspected it a while before that. To know where we would eventually end up and still have to go this long has been tortuous but while I knew and accepted the inevitibility of our situation sometimes it takes other people longer to catch up. Dh was one of those people. And now, we're almost there. One more cycle between me and the end of the proverbial road.
Today I had my SIS or saline sonogram, got some blood taken, did the nurse education class, and paid for our IVF cycle (excepting meds). Since Dr. Murray wasn't available today I saw Dr. Scotchie again. The SIS wasn't at all what I was expecting as far as discomfort levels. It hurt less than a regular pap smear which was honestly quite a relief and I didn't cramp at all. Dr. Scotchie showed me my 'perfect' and 'cooperative' uterus on the screen though in most situations it just looked like a black blob to me. I'll take her word for it. Then with a big smile she said 'the home is ready and waiting.' I couldn't help but smile back.
I took my mother with me this time when I visited the clinic simply because a. its a long ass drive down there and b. I didn't know how I would react to the SIS . She stayed with me for the whole appointment and as we were going through the nurse education class I think the severity and complexity of the situation finally hit her. I've tried to explain it to her before but it wasn't until the nurse started going over my meds list and how to mix and give myself shots that you could see it truly dawning on her. She seemed almost over whelmed even though I was prepared to hear just about everything the nurse had to say thanks to my wonderfully amazing internet friends.
I can't even imagine how much more overwhelmed she would have been if we were doing conventional IVF instead of Natural/Mini.
Then the blood draw which was way better than the last time. No bruise!
Then it was time to pay for our cycle. That stung quite a bit more than the blood draw. All that money, all that time, all that pain from working, all of it gone in a matter of seconds with no guarantee that I'll have anything to show for it in the end. But maybe I will and if that's the case its more than worth it.
I've got eight hundred dollars left in the fund with the option to put maybe another 4 in when my final paychecks hit. It should be more than enough to pay for my final meds. Dr. Murray suggested I save at least 500 for them and that by saving a thousand I should be more than covered.
This is happening. Holy crap.
When we got in the car to go home my mom just sorta rested her hands on the steering wheel and with this fierce scowl says "I hate Phil right now." I just laughed. I know she doesn't mean it. All she sees is HER baby going through something terribly invasive, painful, and emotionally distressing.
When we finally parted ways for the day she hugged me extra tight big shiny eyes and said quietly into my hair, 'I wish you didn't have to go through this.' Yeah me too, mom. But this is life, my life in particular.
Well tonight is an overnight at work. My last overnight!! Whoohoo. But having gotten up at 5:30 this morning with only a three hour nap this afternoon I expect it to be one heck of a night. Boo. But it's the last one. And then there's only three more working days til I'm free!
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