Baby Things

This week has been...interesting to say the least. No less than 3 newborn babies showing up in my feed, all born within 24 hours of each other, and within 36 hours of the start of my period.
1. A girl from highschool who told several people quite loudly that she wasn't happy about being pregnant and that it was going to ruin her life.
2. My brother's best friend. It's his second child but first kid for his second marriage. He was ecstatic and more than happy to shove his 'boy' in my brother's face. My brother wanted a little boy and got a girl. He's happy about it now.
3. My sister in law's niece. She lost her husband to a car wreck about a month after finding out they were pregnant. It's her first son, but her fourth child.
It's difficult seeing all those babies showing up in my feed. They're all from different backgrounds and different situations, but all of them make me feel sad. Sometimes its for me, sometimes its for them, sometimes its for the kid. But I can't help but feel sad. I know now after months of being on this crazy train that my feelings are natural. At one point or another everyone struggling with infertility will feel this way, this sadness in the face of a happy occasion.

The phone call I received last night only seemed to make it worse. It was my mother and usually conversations with her don't hurt. This one did. We made a little bit of small talk, caught up on each other's day and then she dived in. 'So what do you want us to do with 'Little Bit's' baby thing?" (Little Bit is my nickname for my niece. My mom didn't use it but it's not fair to include her in my blogging by name. Anyway.) I paused for a minute, a sinking feeling in my stomach, 'What do you mean?"
"Well do you want us to keep them and save them for you or can J give them away? She was thinking of giving alot of the stuff to (#2 on the list). But I told her we should ask you first."
"Oh..." I got quiet. Rolled the thoughts around in my head. Played devil's advocate in silence. It would be great to have some of that stuff around for when we finally become parents. But then...all I could see was a storage room full of baby things that might never get used. The reminder as the years pass on. I pulled myself out of my vision. "Tell her to give it to whoever she wants," I finally answered, "There's no sense in having all this stuff laying around for years on end when someone could be getting good use of it." I don't think it was the answer my mom wanted to hear. "Yeah, I guess you're right," she paused, "and I guess we can always buy more of it when the time comes."
"Yep," I nodded my head vigorously even though she couldn't see it through the phone cord. We talked for maybe a minute or two more and then I said goodbye. The conversation had left a bad taste in my mouth and an empty spot in my stomach. And I for one wasn't interested in dragging it out any longer.
My mom told me the other day that she's still holding out hope that this will happen for us naturally. I know that it bothers her that I don't really have that much hope for it anymore. It bothers my husband as well. It bothers me that my not having hope bothers them. I'm just being rational, looking at the statistics, and attempting to accept our situation for what it really is so that I can process it and move on with life.