Random What If...

Today's random what-if is brought to you by insomnia.
What if you were the suspect of a murder or other horrific crime? Innocent mind you of whatever you've been accused of. When the news crews swarm people you know, love, or just see on the street, what will they say about you? What will be the words plastered all over the six oclock news that will come to define who you are in the public eye and play a role in your trial?
Let's analyze my darling husband first, I've heard all of these about him before.
 Dependable. Hard-Worker. Nice Guy. Funny.
I think he's got a fair shake. More than likely someone will say 'I just don't believe it,' and really really mean it.
Ok my turn. Again I'll use words that I've actually heard before in reference to me.
Quiet. Loner. Socially Awkward. Intimidating. Weird. Freakishly Intelligent(yes someone has actually used that phrase but then again she was a bubblegum blowing, hair twirling, clueless kinda girl so there may not be much to it.)
Oh shit. I'm screwed. I'm really really screwed. The kids I went to highschool will say, "well there was always something a little off about her." And the reporters will probably stop there not bothering to dig deeper to discover that I have panic attacks related to social anxiety, have volunteered at several charity functions, and cried all day long the one time I hit a dog in the road. (There was ice and snow on the road, I hit my brakes, they started to lock, I slid towards the ditch, and I knew I no longer had a choice and let off the brakes to bring the car under control. Still bothers me.) They won't search out my few friends who'll tell them how protective I am of anyone in trouble, that I'm a good listener, or as the lady at the gym put it last week that I'm inspirational.In short pretty well incapable of being the perp. Because the face the world sees is completely different than the true face. I've worked really hard to change that in the eight years since highschool and my first job, and to an extent I've been successful on some levels but it's been an uphill battle. I now have a business 'switch' which for the few hours I'm in front of a client makes me the friendly smiley happy person I want to be. The second they're gone though I'm curled up in a ball trying to recharge or shaking out the nerves from my hands.
I'm not being over-dramatic. For kicks I postulated this scenario to my husband the other night. He immediately said, "Yeah, I've worried about that before." Great. Even you think I wouldn't have a snowball's chance.
To end this random what if post...
What would the world say about you? Would they be right on target or nowhere near the truth? Would you have a snowball's chance?

An Introduction to if

if - a word that represents the state of being in limbo, a slave to one or more conditions being met or granted with the inability to plan or move forward without knowing the final state in which you will eventually fall into. The above conditions often being out of the realm of control of the person whom it most affects.

 A simple scenario that showcases the effect if has on our life. You have plans to meet with a friend tomorrow and go for a walk in the park. What if it rains tomorrow? What if if she doesn't show? What if the park is closed for construction? What if your car breaks down on the way there? What if you get sick? What if she gets sick? What if you fall on the unforgiving sidewalk? What if there's a baseball game going on when you get there? The list of if continues on and on ad infinitum. And that's just the small stuff. But if doesn't stop there. It expands and consumes not content to munch on the inconsequential, if craves the bigger stage of life events. What if I get married? What if I get a divorce? What if we buy a house? What if we rent instead? What if we have children? What if we can't have children? What if I die tomorrow? Etc and etc. The answer to each question opens up another line of questions whose answer opens up another and so on and so forth, til you have a tree branch of questions and answers that spans the length and breadth of the universe.

Now onto me. I'm Titianna and for the moment you can call me the if fairy. Since I'm obviously not a real fairy I don't have a magic wand and I can't just wave it around to fix problems. If I did things would be much easier. See! There's that word again. Instead I'll pick a grain of if from the swirling nimbus of unknown that floats around me and use it as a lens through which to see the world. Do you need alittle more about me? Okay then. I'm a 26 year old woman who is happily married to an amazing unique fella. I write, take pictures, DIY it up, cook, crochet, and a million other things in the course of a day. We have two furbabies, kitty cats, Claire and Cleo with whom we share our lake adjacent 2 bedroom cozy cottage. Me in a nutshell.

There's alot of if in my life to choose from. One of the bigger if's that will be discussed in depth in this blog will be the big if of infertility. Which serendipitously is abbreviated in the web world as IF, all capital letters. My husband and I are not open with the people in our everyday life about our infertility struggles and I imagine I'll be using this blog as an outlet for the stress and heartache that comes along with this journey. 

The blog won't always be about IF, it'll be just as the title states living life in if. There's a whole lot of life out there and a whole lot of if in it.