Today DH finally went in for his second SA. We've been waiting to redo this test for 4 months. Four stinking months in limbo. When we started testing in March of this year we started first with bloodwork for me. Then an SA for him. My bloodwork came back perfect according to my ob. Dh was not so lucky. His results were depressing across the board. Sources vary as to what is normal. Though there a two pretty standard units of measurement, not every lab uses them. For example the lab my Obgyn uses at our local hospital has its own version of what is normal vs abnormal. The range of normal is stated as 60-150 million per milliliter. We were devasted to learn that my husband's count was 175 THOUSAND per milliliter. He also had low morphology (which is the shape of sperm) and motility (which is how they move). He had a high ph and high viscosity. We were immediately referred to a Urologist who explained our results a little more in depth. It was at this visit that we first learned that my husband could be diabetic. Which led to more doctor's visits this time with a general practioner. His diabetes was confirmed. All three doctors that we worked with concluded that his SA results were in direct relation to uncontrolled undiagnosed diabetes. We changed our entire lifestyle in the next couple of weeks.
It is thought to take 60 -70 days for sperm to be produced. Some sources state that it could take as few as 42 days and as much as 90 days. It also takes aproximately the same amount of time to get an accurate reading on your A1C, which is a ruling measurement when treating diabetes. We were able to get our A1C within normal levels in three months. We decided to be safe to wait one more month to make sure that the sperm produced would have been born during the time period when he had his A1C levels under control.
We won't know his results for a few days, maybe even as much as a week, but it feels good to be moving forward again. Even if it's only for a brief moment in time. I'm ready for answers. I'm ready to know what's on the horizon for us, to plan for the if's that are currently lingering right outside of view. It feels good to move forward again, after so many months at a stand-still with little hope to pull us through.
Most people will never understand what it feels like to be infertile. It's one of those experiences in life that people can't understand unless they've been through it themselves. Sometimes its hard to remember that and to give people a break when I feel like strangling them. So to that end I've been trying to come up with a simple analogy that even begins to touch on the feelings that an infertility diagnosis brings into a person's life. I thought about the pause button and the elevator but I finally settled on something else. Here's what I've come up with...
Imagine for a moment that there's this place that you want to go, it's the end all be all for you whether its a concert, amusement park, museum exhibit, natural park, and its only going to be open for a limited amount of time.Everyone you know who has experienced it can't keep from telling you how it changed their life, in a good way. You get up with the sunrise, pack the car with goodies and snacks, and head out eager for what the day will bring with only your significant other for company. The first part of your trip is wonderful. Your favorite songs play on the radio. The scenery that passes by outside your window is breathtaking, and the traffic almost non-exisistent. You're excited, eager, maybe even a little tremoulous, I mean what if it isn't all it's cracked up to be, right? When you reach the roundabout you are already feeling a tad bit antsy and ready to get out of the car. The one lane road you've been traveling turns into two lanes as you enter the roundabout and due to no fault of your own your car is forced into the inner lane. You circle around one time and miss your exit. Minutes later you've missed it several more times. The people who entered the roundabout with you have already found the right exit. The people who entered the roundabout after you have found the exit. But you can't get over. The people in the outside lane won't let you in. You wonder if they just don't notice you or if they're keeping you penned in out of spite. Hours pass and you are now dizzy from all the circles you've made. It seems like hundreds of cars have entered the roundabout and found their way out, but not you. Depending on your personality you may have a serious case of road rage going on right now. Your cell phone rings and someone, most likely a family member, asks why you haven't arrived yet. Their tone is either worried or accusing, and you respond in kind before hanging up. The sun has made its way across the sky and you feel like time is running out. Some of the cars that passed you by the first time are on their way back out, balloons and streamers flying from their bumpers, whopping and hollering, estatic with how their day went. The new cars that enter the roundabout are sometimes less than polite, honking, letting the finger fly, yelling out their windows at you. It makes you feel horrible but there you are stuck going around and around with no way out, dizzy and sick to your stomach. If you have a smartphone friends and family are blowing up your feed with pictures from their trip. The pictures have cute little captions like 'Best day of my life' 'If you've never been here, you're missing out' and 'If you've never gone, you can't understand what its like', not to mention the odd 'My life had no meaning before I went'. People are calling asking where you are and giving unsolicited unhelpful advice. Some of them don't even have a driver's license, I mean how does that even work? At this point you have few options.
A. You will eventually get over and find your exit and reach the location before its gone forever. Though at this point you're realistically skeptical of that happening.
B. You will take a different exit. It will eventually take you to pretty much the same place, but it's full of tolls, bumpy roads, and horriblly planned roadways that seem to double back more than they go straight, not to mention taking twice as long.
C. You will give up and get off on the exit you came in on, go home, and live your life resolved with the fact that you're never getting there.
D. You will run out of gas. Your car will sputter to a stop. You will have to wait for the tow truck who will have to take you back to the gas station to refill. And who knows how long that will take, or how much it will cost. Some of you will never get back on that road again.
Now for just a moment imagine that this wasn't one day of your life. Imagine that it was everyday of your life for months or years on end.Those emotions you felt. Anger, bitterness, desperation, sorrow, longing and more, are there every single day and they just build and build. That's a glimpse into infertility, except its not just some place you're trying to reach, its parenthood, its a child looking up at you, its passing on traditions and memories, it's a biological right that everything from insects to oak trees has without another thought, except you.
Infertility affects 1 in 10 couples. 1 in 10 couples are stuck on that roundabout. And in case you don't know the frustration of a roundabout...
My experience with the roundabout came in 2009 on my honeymoon to Ireland. We left each one frazzled and anxious and they were tiny roundabouts! It sucks that we seem to be stuck on one yet again.
if - a word that represents the state of being in limbo, a slave to one or more conditions being met or granted with the inability to plan or move forward without knowing the final state in which you will eventually fall into. The above conditions often being out of the realm of control of the person whom it most affects.
A simple scenario that showcases the effect if has on our life. You have plans to meet with a friend tomorrow and go for a walk in the park. What if it rains tomorrow? What if if she doesn't show? What if the park is closed for construction? What if your car breaks down on the way there? What if you get sick? What if she gets sick? What if you fall on the unforgiving sidewalk? What if there's a baseball game going on when you get there? The list of if continues on and on ad infinitum. And that's just the small stuff. But if doesn't stop there. It expands and consumes not content to munch on the inconsequential, if craves the bigger stage of life events. What if I get married? What if I get a divorce? What if we buy a house? What if we rent instead? What if we have children? What if we can't have children? What if I die tomorrow? Etc and etc. The answer to each question opens up another line of questions whose answer opens up another and so on and so forth, til you have a tree branch of questions and answers that spans the length and breadth of the universe.
Now onto me. I'm Titianna and for the moment you can call me the if fairy. Since I'm obviously not a real fairy I don't have a magic wand and I can't just wave it around to fix problems. If I did things would be much easier. See! There's that word again. Instead I'll pick a grain of if from the swirling nimbus of unknown that floats around me and use it as a lens through which to see the world. Do you need alittle more about me? Okay then. I'm a 26 year old woman who is happily married to an amazing unique fella. I write, take pictures, DIY it up, cook, crochet, and a million other things in the course of a day. We have two furbabies, kitty cats, Claire and Cleo with whom we share our lake adjacent 2 bedroom cozy cottage. Me in a nutshell.
There's alot of if in my life to choose from. One of the bigger if's that will be discussed in depth in this blog will be the big if of infertility. Which serendipitously is abbreviated in the web world as IF, all capital letters. My husband and I are not open with the people in our everyday life about our infertility struggles and I imagine I'll be using this blog as an outlet for the stress and heartache that comes along with this journey.
The blog won't always be about IF, it'll be just as the title states living life in if. There's a whole lot of life out there and a whole lot of if in it.
