Resilience

Resilience.
That's my new word of the day.
Resilience is defined in two ways

• the ability to become strong, healthy, or successful again after something bad happens
• the ability of something to return to its original shape after it has been pulled, stretched, pressed, bent, etc.

My aim for here on out is resiliency.
IF certainly qualifies as something bad happening, and it is definitely stretching, pulling, and bending every second of our lives.

Our Uro appt was on Tuesday and as I expected we didn't get good news. 150,000/ml with distinct abnormalities. I'm learning to roll with the punches. Dh not so much. He was visibly upset and frustrated. I'm not. It's just another push towards where I feel we will inevitably wind up. IVF. The Uro is keeping him on clomid. The odd guy sang and hummed through our entire appointment again. It didn't ruffle my feathers quite so much this time. However his parting comment did try to inch its way under my skin. 'It may take a year but we'll get this figured out.' In less than one month we will have been at this for 2 years. One fearing there was a problem, and another knowing there was a problem. Nu-uh. I'm not pussy-footing around for another year. You can forget it.
We have however decided to treat this 3 month cycle as a break. Our definition of a break. No charting. No TI. Fewer in-depth IF conversations. No pressure to perform our duties.
Dh will still be taking his medicine. I will be saving as much money as possible from my second job. My family and I will also begin the fundraising process, which quite frankly scares the crap out of me. For a person with a rather well-documented history of what my family calls people-phobia the idea of opening up the extremely private and emotional side of myself is terrifying. But you gotta do what you gotta do.
With some thoughtful advice from my favorite internet ladies, we've decided to go ahead with our RE consult as soon as possible. I'm waiting on my new schedule from work, which I'm supposed to get on Monday at orientation, before making the call. They only book 1-2 weeks in advance so I'm confident we can get in. I won't lie, I'm scared about what they will say. I'm scared that there will be more problems discovered that we didn't know about. I'm scared they will find a reason to say that even IVF is not an option for us.
In related news, Dh gave me his final word on the donor sperm option the night before our Uro appointment. And that word is no. I wish he had never brought it up again. I now have to process no all over again.
And finally on the fundraising front. Our tax refund money came in today and went straight into The Fund. Bringing our total to 4,000.

That feels good!

It feels good to have hope again. So good.
We had our Urologist appointment yesterday. We were prepared for the worst. And thankfully for once this year, we didn't get it. Our count went up from 175,000 to 425,000. While its a long shot away from anything even resembling normal its a step in the right direction. And the Uro decided to write DH a script for 3 months of clomid. We can only hope that the clomid will cause his counts to skyrocket. I'm not going to count on it, but the hope is still there.
And finally something that qualifies as good news! I can't tell you how long its been since we got really good news. The feeling almost felt alien after so much time being down and disappointed. My Dh works for a contracting company for Nissan. So basically he does the same stuff as the Nissan guys working longer hours for less pay and less benefits. It's been two years. Last night after we got home he checked his email. There was an offer of employment there. Whoohoo! Hopefully before the year is out he'll be switched over and be a real Nissan employee. So awesome.
Then this morning, I get a call... from the vet's office.  It took them two and a half weeks after my initial interview but this morning they called to schedule a working interview for Tuesday. Basically from what I understand, I'll go in, shadow/work without pay, and they'll decide if I'm a good fit. Getting this job would be a great step in the right direction for us. I would finally be able to start saving up money for treatments. Right now our fund sits at a measly $140.00 . Far cry from my guesstimated $13,000.
Also early yesterday morning I got a text from a former client. We hit it off when I did her engagement pictures, and then her wedding, and then a few months later her kids' pictures. She said she was interested in going hiking once a week and was wondering if I knew of any good hiking places close by. And if I would like to join her, because she'd like to just hang out with me sometime. I tell you what that put a huge smile on my face. I don't make friends very easily, I never have. I'm excited for my 'chick date'.
So much good news in such a short time after such a long time without it, I swear I'm giddy.
I also started thinking about doing a gift wrapping service fundraiser and got my mom to agree to go in it with me if I don't get this job. I was thinking set up at the local mall and wrap gifts for donations.
Also I sold something else on Zazzle which made me dive back into designing. Thanks my Canadian friend. I hope you enjoy the shirt. With my husband spurring me on I started a Christmas Card site. Which is here           www.cards.yolasite.com