It's really happening now

I almost can't believe that after this long of a wait that we're finally moving forward. It seems so surreal. I've 'known' for over a year and 3 months that IVF was our only option. I 'knew' it after Dh's first SA. A small part of me suspected it a while before that. To know where we would eventually end up and still have to go this long has been tortuous but while I knew and accepted the inevitibility of our situation sometimes it takes other people longer to catch up. Dh was one of those people. And now, we're almost there. One more cycle between me and the end of the proverbial road.
Today I had my SIS or saline sonogram, got some blood taken, did the nurse education class, and paid for our IVF cycle (excepting meds).  Since Dr. Murray wasn't available today I saw Dr. Scotchie again. The SIS wasn't at all what I was expecting as far as discomfort levels. It hurt less than a regular pap smear which was honestly quite a relief and I didn't cramp at all. Dr. Scotchie showed me my 'perfect' and 'cooperative' uterus on the screen though in most situations it just looked like a black blob to me. I'll take her word for it. Then with a big smile she said 'the home is ready and waiting.' I couldn't help but smile back.
I took my mother with me this time when I visited the clinic simply because a. its a long ass drive down there and b. I didn't know how I would react to the SIS . She stayed with me for the whole appointment and as we were going through the nurse education class I think the severity and complexity of the situation finally hit her. I've tried to explain it to her before but it wasn't until the nurse started going over my meds list and how to mix and give myself shots that you could see it truly dawning on her. She seemed almost over whelmed even though I was prepared to hear just about everything the nurse had to say thanks to my wonderfully amazing internet friends.
I can't even imagine how much more overwhelmed she would have been if we were doing conventional IVF instead of Natural/Mini.
Then the blood draw which was way better than the last time. No bruise!
Then it was time to pay for our cycle. That stung quite a bit more than the blood draw. All that money, all that time, all that pain from working, all of it gone in a matter of seconds with no guarantee that I'll have anything to show for it in the end. But maybe I will and if that's the case its more than worth it.
I've got eight hundred dollars left in the fund with the option to put maybe another 4 in when my final paychecks hit. It should be more than enough to pay for my final meds. Dr. Murray suggested I save at least 500 for them and that by saving a thousand I should be more than covered.
This is happening. Holy crap.
When we got in the car to go home my mom just sorta rested her hands on the steering wheel and with this fierce scowl says "I hate Phil right now." I just laughed. I know she doesn't mean it. All she sees is HER baby going through something terribly invasive, painful, and emotionally distressing.
When we finally parted ways for the day she hugged me extra tight big shiny eyes and said quietly into my hair, 'I wish you didn't have to go through this.' Yeah me too, mom. But this is life, my life in particular.
Well tonight is an overnight at work. My last overnight!! Whoohoo. But having gotten up at 5:30 this morning with only a three hour nap this afternoon I expect it to be one heck of a night. Boo. But it's the last one. And then there's only three more working days til I'm free!

Our first vist

Today was our first visit to the RE.
I was so nervous this morning as we headed out for our hour and a half drive. We meet up with a cousin of mine in Chattanooga and had a late breakfast with him and his beautiful almost 2 year old daughter. We had decided to see them before the appointment because I knew without a doubt I wouldn't be in the right frame of mind afterwards. No less than three people mis-identified me as her mommy at the restaurant. So much so in fact that even after being told twice what meal went on what ticket somehow my husband's got separated from mine and my meal wound up on my cousin's tab. So very glad I had the foresight to do our little meet up before instead of after, as those are the little things that sting. However it was still nice seeing them, I haven't visited in almost a year. The wee little one is growing up beautifully and is so smart and advanced in comparison to my niece. She can count to 5, sing Old McDonald and the Itsy Bitsy spider, identify her colors and shapes, and sing the first part of her ABC's. Just a brilliant little girl.
After breakfast and our little visit we headed down to the clinic and waited for them to open back up, because it was apparently lunch time. The clinic wasn't quite what I expected but the ladies at the front desk were really nice. I thought it was pretty cool when they took our pictures to put on the charts. After a little paperwork the nurse got my weight and blood pressure which was apparently perfect. Surprising considering I had sweaty clammy palms. Dh kept trying to make jokes and be chipper. I just wanted him to be quiet while we waited for the Dr.
After a little while they ushered us back to Dr. Murray's office. He seems friendly, very personable, not at all rigid or stiff. He went over the testing we'd already had done and said that it seemed like everything was okay with me so far. Little sigh of relief there. But of course he wants to redo some of the testing and add in a few more of his own, which I understand since all those tests are already over a year old now. We talked very in depth about DH's issues and his hormone levels and his previous SA's and about how the male body works. He explained how IUI works and IVF which honestly yeah I didn't need that little refresher course. He very briefly glossed over the costs for a Natural Cycle IVF and for a Conventional IVF. I mean briefly. NCIVF would be 4,500 a cycle. IVF we're looking at 15k. Ugh. A little higher than I originally anticipated. But before he would go into any kind of depth with me about their IVF programs he wants to rule out retrograde ejaculation as the cause of our MFI. Retrograde ejaculation is where all or a portion of the ejaculate goes into the bladder instead of out into the world like its supposed to. He said that all the hormones are there and he should be at peak sperm making capacity right now. And that, ooo something I didn't have a clue about!, if they found alot of semen in his urine that it could be washed and used for an IUI. Also that retrograde ejaculation is highly treatable.
The plan as of this moment.... Dh will be taking sodium bicarbonate tablets (isn't that just baking soda?) to alkalize his urine to get it the correct ph for sperm to live. Then using test strips (I find it mildly funny that DH gets a turn at peeing in a cup, lol) he'll check to see when it gets there. Then he'll schedule an SA. Travel down to the clinic. And give them two samples, one of semen and the other of urine. They will wash them both and get the results. As for me I'm supposed to call in at CD1 and schedule my next slew of blood testing. FSH, Estradiol, and AMH and an ultrasound for antral follicle count. We've also decided to do the Counsyl genetic testing on both of us at this time.
If Dh does have retrograde ejaculation we'll start treatment for that in hopes of 'getting pregnant at home' as the doctor said several times. If he doesn't, the Dr. recommended we do karyotyping on DH to rule out a chromosomal defect which would be hereditary and untreatable. Not sure if we'd go that route or not.     
But at any rate that was it. We were there for about 2 hours. I was surprised and little disappointed that we didn't get to cover all my questions but oddly enough at the same time a little bit relieved that Dr. Murray didn't push IVF immediately. He did say that if we choose that route we could cycle in as little as two weeks, after the decision depending on the arrival of Cd1. So there's that.

Questions

I'm trying to come up with our list of questions to ask the RE at our consult. The few sites I've found proclaiming to be guidebooks aren't very helpful, at least not to me. I already know that we will have to do some form of IVF due to the severe MFI. That's a given. I know that they prefer single embryo transfers. So this is my list so far...

• Do you offer clinical trials? What are the requirements for participation? What is the likilhood that the trail will be cancelled?
• 3 or 5 day transfers?
• Difference between Natural, Mini, and Conventional IVF? Are we a candidate for all three varities?  Do you practice all three at this clinic?
• Judging by our previous testing what problems do you forsee?
• What tests will need to be repeated?
• If we proceed directly to IVF will I need to have an HSG since my tubes are not in play?
• What additional testing will be required?
• Do you ‘batch’ cycle?
• What would you envision our success rate to be?
• Do you cancel an IVF cycle if the patient produces less than so many follicles?
• Do you have a self-pay or pre-pay discount?
• Do you freeze eggs or embryos?
• What is your Fresh vs Frozen rate?
• Do you use vitrification?
• How much does it cost to freeze?
• Looking to cycle in July or August. What would be our plan of action/calendar?
• Cost of one cycle with drugs?
• How much monitoring will be required?
• Is there a way to have monitoring done at a different location?

I'm also thinking of creating like a table to put all the info about the three types of IVF together. Maybe something like this...

	Natural Ivf	Mini Ivf	Conventional Ivf
Total Cost
Success Rates
Drugs/Protocol
Minimum Monitoring Visits
Recommended
Number of Eggs expected

 Help me build my list of questions,  pretty please with sugar on top?
I want to make the most out of this visit.

Baby Step

A true baby step, a step towards our baby.
Finally, after months and months of either Hubby putting it off, not being able to afford it, or not having time to schedule it, we finally made our appointment with a RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist).
We go on April 9th to see Dr. Murray at Tennessee Reproductive Medicine.
It will be a two hour drive with an hours time difference that will make it feel like three.
I'm going to start putting together a list of questions to ask at our consultation so if anyone has some suggestions let me know.
Now that the ball is finally beginning to roll again, I hurried up and got with both my dr. and Dh's dr. and had our medical info sent over so that they will have everything pertinent at that first visit. I just couldn't wait anymore.
I'm sure the next two weeks are absolutely going to crawl by.