It seems like anymore every day is a struggle because if it isn't one thing its another.
My hubby's health seems up in the air as always. After a couple of weeks of fluctuating symptoms that could have been an UTI he finally went to the doctor. After discussing his symptoms she threw out a couple of possible diagnosis, uti, kidney stones...cancer. He told me on my lunch break and it was hard as hell to keep it together and hide from my new coworkers that I just wanted to run away kicking, screaming, and bawling my eyes out. After a few very tense days and way too many tests we got the verdict back. Thankfully he's cancer free and uti free and kidney stone free. In short they don't have a clue what's wrong with him. However the doctor noticed he had an abnormal amount of red blood cells. She thought that perhaps that might have been the cause of his wacky symptoms. Tonight he's spending the night away for a sleep study due to suspected sleep apnea. I've been telling him for years that it seems like he stops breathing in his sleep and that it worried and scared me. He's always dismissed it out of hand. I hate that it takes a doctor telling him something for him to take it seriously. When is that man going to learn that I'm (almost) always right, lol.
The good and the bad of the situation is that we've now met his deductible and everything for him from here on out will be covered. The bad is that bill or bills is just hovering out there in limbo waiting to flood our mailbox.
Poor Claire has started pulling her hair out again. Try as we might we can't get her to stop. While we wait for his doctor bills to come in we can't take her to the vet to get a steroid shot. I feel bad for my sweet furbaby.
As for me I'm struggling too. The new job is putting me through my paces and I'm afraid I'm coming up wanting. For the first time in a very long time I'm truly feeling like my surgically corrected club foot is a real disability. Not just frustrating but really disheartening. I haven't had a pain free day in weeks. I searched out a club foot group hoping to get some insight into others dealing with the condition. What I've learned scares me even more. So many members of the group have opted to amputate. They claim that it was the best decision they ever made, that they have no more pain. A fair portion of the others are wheel chair bound. While I always assumed that might one day be my fate I suspected it would happen in the later years of my life, 60's or 70's or so. Instead I'm seeing a lot of 40 year olds who can no longer walk for the pain. It is so scary. I worry that I will lose my ability to walk if I continue working this way, but I can't reach the IVF fund goal without working. One problem feeds off the other like an oroborus. I worry that the damage I do now will haunt me even if we succeed on this hell bent course. What if I can't pickup my child or run and play with them. I'm thinking of finding a good orthopedic doctor but so few have experience with the problems of a post club foot patient and that's more money that will get taken away from the fund which in turn means more time that I have to work. Vicious vicious cycle.
My grandmother gave me $150 for the fund this past weekend. My mother added in another $50. They keep turning the problem over and over in their minds thinking if they can just get up the money I'll give up working and go back to being almost pain free. They know I won't give up otherwise. I am so grateful for their support.
I've also put in my first portion from my first paycheck into the fund, $197.
One small positive on this roller coaster ride is how much we are enjoying our little 'break'. I like not temping, not obsessing, not scheduling. We still haven't gotten our 'groove' back but without the pressure I feel like its only a matter of time.
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