Yesterday was beta day. I was ridiculously excited and afraid at the
same time. When we stopped for breakfast after what had to have been the
most painless easiest blood draw ever I had to restrain myself from
buying little baby booties to surprise my husband with. I walked out
empty handed on the grounds of I didn't want to jinx it.
The day seemed to go on forever. Hours passed and no phone call. When it finally did ring at 3:00 pm almost 8 hours after the draw, I hesitated. On this side of the phone call I was PUPO, on the other who knew. I took a deep breath closed my eyes and pushed the button. "Hello?" I know my voice wavered a little. I shut my eyes at the very perfunctionary tone at the other end as my stomach sank. My nurse Candy told me that my HCG came back negative. Inside I shattered. She went on her spiel about stopping my medications and asked if I wanted to speak with Dr. Scotchie since Dr. Murray wasn't in. I took another deep breath and tried to marshall my control. "What's the point?" I failed miserably and my voice shook and cracked. In my head I'm going really what is the point what is she going to say to make this better. Candy was silent for a moment before starting back in 'well lets go ahead and set up an appointment to talk to Dr. Murray.' "I'd like to talk to my husband first," I choked out. Candy apologised and said she'd see me next week. I thanked her for calling, which is so wrong to thank someone for shattering your dreams with a simple sentence. As soon as the phone was off I slumped over my desk, burrowed into the crook of my arms, and started to sob. My mom who had fallen asleep on the couch after our early morning drive woke up and came in. I pulled myself together and stood up, stomping down and locking up the pain for later examination. She tried to pull me in a hug and I growled out, "No." She looked hurt by my refusal but I know that the fragile walls I had just put up would collapse in her arms and I would let out the very ugly cry that would hurt her to see. Instead I put on my shoes and invited her on a brisk walk. Any activity to keep the hurt at bay. When the pain in my legs began to fight the pain in my chest for recognition I turned back. I got inside the house a minute or two ahead of her and closed the door. Knowing she wouldn't see, I slammed my palm into the side of the refrigerator so hard that all the magnets fell off and clattered to the floor. I hide on the other side of the frig and flexed my hand making sure I hadn't broken anything because I'd used way more force than I had intended to. A few minutes later and I finally convinced her I was fine and she should leave. I waited til her car drove past the house and then let the walls down. I lay in the middle of the floor and cried so hard I couldn't breath. I don't know how long it took to get the worst of it out but then I got up and systematically removed all signs of our failed cycle from the house. It hurt the most to remove little acorn's picture from the fridge and drop it into the box with all the rest of the unused meds and needles. I crawled into bed and turned on a video game. Something mindless. DH come home an hour or two later. The excitement as he came through the door cut me like a knife. I just shook my head because the words were too much to say.
We hugged then went out for ice cream. We talked alot in the car. When we got back we both crawled back into bed even though it was barely 7 o'clock and went to sleep.
I'm so glad that I didn't buy those stupid little red booties. There is no doubt in my mind that they would be flung out into the middle of the woods right about now.
We took this major gamble the biggest one of my life, and we lost. I don't know what to do now.
The day seemed to go on forever. Hours passed and no phone call. When it finally did ring at 3:00 pm almost 8 hours after the draw, I hesitated. On this side of the phone call I was PUPO, on the other who knew. I took a deep breath closed my eyes and pushed the button. "Hello?" I know my voice wavered a little. I shut my eyes at the very perfunctionary tone at the other end as my stomach sank. My nurse Candy told me that my HCG came back negative. Inside I shattered. She went on her spiel about stopping my medications and asked if I wanted to speak with Dr. Scotchie since Dr. Murray wasn't in. I took another deep breath and tried to marshall my control. "What's the point?" I failed miserably and my voice shook and cracked. In my head I'm going really what is the point what is she going to say to make this better. Candy was silent for a moment before starting back in 'well lets go ahead and set up an appointment to talk to Dr. Murray.' "I'd like to talk to my husband first," I choked out. Candy apologised and said she'd see me next week. I thanked her for calling, which is so wrong to thank someone for shattering your dreams with a simple sentence. As soon as the phone was off I slumped over my desk, burrowed into the crook of my arms, and started to sob. My mom who had fallen asleep on the couch after our early morning drive woke up and came in. I pulled myself together and stood up, stomping down and locking up the pain for later examination. She tried to pull me in a hug and I growled out, "No." She looked hurt by my refusal but I know that the fragile walls I had just put up would collapse in her arms and I would let out the very ugly cry that would hurt her to see. Instead I put on my shoes and invited her on a brisk walk. Any activity to keep the hurt at bay. When the pain in my legs began to fight the pain in my chest for recognition I turned back. I got inside the house a minute or two ahead of her and closed the door. Knowing she wouldn't see, I slammed my palm into the side of the refrigerator so hard that all the magnets fell off and clattered to the floor. I hide on the other side of the frig and flexed my hand making sure I hadn't broken anything because I'd used way more force than I had intended to. A few minutes later and I finally convinced her I was fine and she should leave. I waited til her car drove past the house and then let the walls down. I lay in the middle of the floor and cried so hard I couldn't breath. I don't know how long it took to get the worst of it out but then I got up and systematically removed all signs of our failed cycle from the house. It hurt the most to remove little acorn's picture from the fridge and drop it into the box with all the rest of the unused meds and needles. I crawled into bed and turned on a video game. Something mindless. DH come home an hour or two later. The excitement as he came through the door cut me like a knife. I just shook my head because the words were too much to say.
We hugged then went out for ice cream. We talked alot in the car. When we got back we both crawled back into bed even though it was barely 7 o'clock and went to sleep.
I'm so glad that I didn't buy those stupid little red booties. There is no doubt in my mind that they would be flung out into the middle of the woods right about now.
We took this major gamble the biggest one of my life, and we lost. I don't know what to do now.
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