Christmas Firsts

This year brought several Christmas firsts and unfortunately they weren't of the good variety.

No. 1  No Stocking hung by the chimney with care.
       For 26 years my grandmother has hung a stocking a piece for me, my brother, and my two cousins. My oldest cousin is almost 40 and yes he's had a stocking every year for that long. This year, there was no quartet of red stockings hung on the mantle filled with little goodies like candy, gum, batteries, and in my case usually makeup or jewelry. Instead there were two stockings for the great grandbabies. My year and 4 month old niece, and my 9month old second cousin. I may come across sounding like a baby but it hurt that we didn't get stockings...it hurt that I didn't get one. Yes I'm an adult and I don't need a stocking. But if that was the reason the tradition stopped it should have stopped when I turned 18, 21, or hell even 25. Instead it stopped because of the new babies. I can't help but feel left out, rejected, and pushed aside. I wouldn't mind if my place had been taken by my own child. But no one took my place on that mantle, it was just erased. Does her having great grandchildren erase the fact that I am still her grand-daughter?
No. 2  Christmas Eve Doggies
       On Christmas Eve I called to ask my Dad what time my grandmother expected us. I was yelled at it. Which took me completely by surprise til my father took a deep breath and explained he was in a bad mood because two of our dogs had just gotten in a fight and he was still covered in blood and urine. I was understandably worried, especially since my dad is a worst case scenario type person. Turns out both dogs are fine. It was a supremacy type fight over affection. But later on that night as I was preparing to take off my shoes, my brother called. His dog was having seizures. We rushed over. Unable to pinpoint the problem and watching the poor pup go through agonizing seizures every 5-10 minutes they made the call to take her to the nearest ER vet. On Christmas Eve at 11:30 at night 45 minutes away. About 5 minutes before we arrived she had her last seizure. When we walked in the vets she could walk again though still a little drukenly. By the time the vet saw her she was back to normal. A very expensive blood screening later and she was checked out as completely normal. The seizure session was deemed a random fluke. It could happen again and develop into something more or she could live the rest of her life without one. It was about 2:30 before we got back and finally into bed.

No. 3  Christmas tree removal
        For the first time in my life I took down the Christmas tree before January. It was always a tradition in my family to wait til the first of the year. The symbolism behind it was that you put ornaments on the tree that represented things you wanted in the coming year, health, wealth, happiness, love, etc, and by leaving it on the tree til the first of the year you brought those things with you symbolically. We got home Christmas day unwrapped our gifts and I spent the next couple of hours shooting dirty looks at our very dead tree. I just wanted it out of my house and for things to be clean. I gave in. What took more than 4 hours to decorate took only one to dismantle. I didn't take a single picture of my tree...not even one. It's like it never existed.

I tried so very hard to get over my grinchiness. I baked, decorated, listened to old records, christmas music every second I could, sent out cards, the whole nine yards. But all I could think of was how much I wanted it to be over with.  The loss of traditions hurts. The alienation real or imagined hurts. The emptiness of our own stunted family growth hurts. Throw in being physically hurt due to a vicious stomach virus that attacked a little less than a week before Christmas and is STILL making my stomach a little weak....(I did lose almost 4 lbs tho so that's good right lol)... and its the perfect scrooge storm. I don't know how I'll be able to handle another Christmas like this one. DH and I keep thinking we should make our own traditions ones that other people can't flub up. But I liked the ones I used to have. I don't even know how to go about making new ones.
Today is my birthday. I turned 27. And what do you know another first...for the first time my birthday made me feel sad...really really sad. I just wanted to sit at home, curl up, and ignore the day. I was 25 when we started ttc. Dh turned 35 one week ago. Our birthdays are glaring reminders of the time that has already passed us by, slipping through our tightly clenched fists. I'm just tired of this struggle and everything it impacts.

Busy, Busy, Busy

It's been a hectic couple of weeks, so here's a quick recap.
We went to Tunica. We gambled. Surprise, surprise we didn't win. No biggie, since my family decided to be extremely generous Dh and I didn't actually lose any of our money. We gave up before we lost everything they sent out with us and added the last 20 dollars to our fund. Which bumped it from 140 to 160.
Yesterday was the start of my third week at the vet's office. It has been the best thing for me. For months now IF has pretty much taken over every waking moment. I've struggled with stress, being emotional, and not sleeping at night. Having something else to focus on has been a god-send for me. Even though it's hard working at a new place with new people I, ironically enough, feel less stressed than I have in months. And you can forget about the not sleeping. Uh-uh, I'm in bed and out by 11 most nights, once it wasn't even 9 oclock before I climbed into bed. I received my first paycheck yesterday and this morning I more than doubled our IF fund. I have decided to split every single check right down the middle. One half to have, one half to the fund. I estimate that it will cost approximately 90 out of every check to work. Two tanks of gas at $30ish a pop, and 6 days of $6 lunches. So I'll have a little less than $100 to play with when all is said and done. I'm pretty confident that I can handle that since I'm used to not having more than $50 a month coming in at any given time.  And there's a chance that I could go full time here pretty soon which would bump everything up quite a bit.
My goal is to be ready for IVF by the end of Summer 2014. If nothing changes in my work I'll have made $3K for the fund by my onesie. Add in a guesstimated $3k from the tax refund. And then hopefully DH will contribute around the same. Dh is still banking on being able to conceive naturally. I'm a little more realistic at this point.
We bought three lottery tickets today. Dh was going over what he would do with the money, how much it would accrue in interest, yada yada yada. We both agreed that we'd start an IF charity. Give 10 deserving couples every year a free IVF cycle. If we just put aside 1 million out of that hypothetical huge win, we could do it for 10 years without any extra fundraising. Yeah. But you know our chances of winning the lottery are about the same as us conceiving naturally so you can bet I'm not banking on it.
We have almost all of our holiday shopping done. We lack my grandfather, and my great aunt and her family. That's it. I thought I was going to get my grandfather a kitten. I think I've changed my mind. At 91 he doesn't need a kitten, even if he would like one. My Nana has also made it clear she would be upset if another kitty showed up at the house. So my Nana's wrath vs my grandfather's happiness. I'm still undecided.
Whelp that's it for now, aside from a huge temp drop today which more than likely heralds CD1 tomorrow. 

I got it!

Whoot Whoot!
The vet just called to tell me I have the position. Awesome! I can really begin saving now. One step closer. I go in tomorrow to pick up some literature to study and then on the 2nd I go in for my first real day. It'll be part time for now which works for me since it will help ease me back into working for someone else. She knew I wanted full time and offered me a second position at her second office a few towns over. I was so tempted. But while it's only 30 minutes from one office to another. It would be well over an hour for me to travel to the second from home. Tempted greatly but I turned her offer down.
In other news I had one of those icky IF moments again today. I had a christmas photo session with a couple that I've worked with before. They're older and had two dogs that they treated like their children. I actually assumed that they were probably dealing with IF as well. When I got there I was greeted by a third doggie. Apparently Santa brought him last year. It's fun getting three dogs to pose for pictures. Almost through with the session she mentions she has another idea for a pose, because she's expecting. I can feel my mom/assistant cringe. I try not though it was definitely an unexpected turn to my day. She tells me she's 41. It was a surprise. Happened on vacation. And yes they thought they couldn't have kids. I commiserate with her alittle. She beams and tells me 'It really can just happen!' I can hardly imagine having a child at 41. I've never known anyone to have had kids at that age. 36 is the latest around here. We get finished with the session and head out to the car. Mom pats me on the shoulder as we pull out of the drive that puppy dog look on her face. I'm fine I tell her and though those first few second felt like a punch to the gut it really is true. She tells me she was afraid I was going to cry when the lady broke the news. I laugh and tell her I'm not quite the emotional basketcase to cry openly in front of a client, not just yet.
In better news we're going to TUNICA! Yay! My grandparents, two great aunts, and a family friend are all going for a week for Thanksgiving and they happened to have an extra room for three nights. Well heck yeah free hotel! Dh says it could practically be a script for one of those movies. A young couple going to a casino with 4 old couples, lol.  Dh has never been past the Mississippi river and I haven't been to Tunica since I was around 14 and couldn't gamble or partake. Best part it should be just before O day so I can drink and we can enjoy ourselves. Maybe we'll come back with more money than we leave with, wouldn't that be awesome. I'm setting aside 25 dollars a day and no more to play with and we won't be getting there til too late to gamble on Thursday anyways. So I think I can live with myself if I blow 50 dollars.
And bonus I'll have a job to come back to on Monday so it's not like I won't be getting that money back anytime soon.

Why do they think that's okay?

Seriously why do people think its okay to badger other people about their babymaking time-table. Why?!
Today started out crappy with the arrival of cd1. Expected but still crappy. I remember before b/c pills that even though I went super heavy for 5-6 days at a time, I never cramped, got bloated or emotional, had nausea, or bowl distress during my cycle. The worst thing I had to worry about was fatigue, headache, and weakness that could be cured with tuna or a steak.  During b/c I experienced the occasional bowl distress but shorter lighter periods at 3-4 days. After b/c I get the whole freaking shabang almost every month, the only positive being that my periods are down to about 2 days now. So that started off my morning. Yay : /  
After dealing with a bit of unpleasantness with my inlaws I headed out to meet my Nana for a day. It's been way too long since we had a day. Even uncomfortable and sad I was looking forward to it. It was a lot of fun, just pecking around town looking at this and that and basically doing a whole lot of nothing. About an hour before we called it a night, I hear someone call out to us from across the store. It's S. You may remember from a previous blog post the cousin my family adopted who then ran out on us the second she turned 18. That's S. I was in a good mood so seeing her didn't immediately put a rock in my gut for once. I smiled, waved, and watched her approach. She chatted me up about this and that, mostly my parents and the rest of the family. Then she bends over to get eye level with my stomach, reaches out and pats my stomach, and goes, 'Girl, when you gonna start having some babies. It's about time. Don't you think you need to get on that.' I managed to keep the smile on my face but I know my eyes went dead. I could FEEL them get hard. I clenched my teeth and growled, 'No' while my Nana quickly goes, "They're having fun practicing." S laughs then turns back around and goes, "Seriously aren't you like the only grandkid..."
"No," I interjected quickly, " T. is two years younger than me. She doesn't have kids either."
"Oh right, I always forget about T." The conversation thankfully moves away from the topic. She continues on aimlessly somehow missing all the subtle clues that I'm no longer in a good mood and would like the conversation to end. Honestly if you can't pick up on those clues you either a. don't know the person well enough to be asking that level of personal question or b. you don't give a damn in the first place. She finally turns to leave. She only gets about 5 paces away before turning back around and saying, "Really, Cindal, hurry up and start having them kids."  I want to scream at her.  I settle for punching my own hip repeatedly. A few minutes later my Nana asks if I'm feeling alright cause I look a little pale. I brush it off and we head on to the next store. I branch off from her the first chance I get so that I can get my emotions under control. There I am wandering through the shoe aisle all glassy eyed and sniffling trying to keep the tide down. Thank god no one saw me moping. We tried going in a few more stores but I just couldn't recapture my previous contentment so I called it a night, citing weather concerns and encroaching darkness.  
One of these days I'm going to let someone have it for asking those kinds of questions. One of these days...

Working Interview

Today I went in for my working interview at the vet's office. Having absolutely no experience with a 'working' interview I had no idea what to expect. I got up early after tossing and turning all night long, looking at the clock as if I expected those numbers to magically fly by and tell me it was time to get up. I had a bowl of cereal fussed at my husband for sleeping on the couch and for having a rather large piece of cake after I went to bed. As if I wouldn't notice. I got there about 10 minutes early and one of the girls led me into the back. They introduced me to Carmicheal, one of 5 resident kitties. This cat could give Claire a run for her money. He is huge, fluffy, and has gorgeous blue eyes. Just petting him, I could feel some of my nervousness settle down. Interestingly enough while I was introduced to all the furry creatures, somehow I never got names from the people. There's an owl with a broken wing, a large macaw, Bianca the cockatoo, Carmichael, Rascal, Samson, and I want to say the last cat's name was Mama. My quick tour ended in the kennel and we made our way back up to the front to become acquainted with their computer system. It's a lot of right-clicking but otherwise doesn't seem too awfully complicated as long as I can read everyone's handwriting on the charts. Which I discovered may be at times a little difficult. Apparently vets and vet techs fall into the category of doctor handwriting. I did a few transactions, sent a fax, but mostly just watched. I watched them check a kitty's glucose levels, watched another kitty get a shot, watched a heartworm test, paid close attention to how they answered phones to create a script in my mind, listened to descriptions and explanations of popular flea and heartworm medicine. All in all I learned quite a bit. So from what I gather a 'working' interview is basically an orientation. It felt alot like a first day. Since the other vet didn't really talk to me, I'm assuming that today was to see how I meshed with the other girls. I'm sure they'll give their report to the dr. and that'll be my deciding factor. Who knows. At any rate my four hours flew by. I definitely think once I get passed the learning curve I could work there.
As far as IF related stuff. I'm 12dpo this morning. Spotting today, day before yesterday, and the day before that. Interestingly enough no spotting yesterday. Temps are still high but that doesn't stop me from expecting AF tomorrow or the next day if this turns out to be a slightly longer luteal phase. Dh has so far had no side effects from the clomid, so YAY! for that. Just chugging along.  Also sold something else in my Zazzle store. So I'm 50 cents closer to a check. At this right it will take forever. But I'm inclined to leave it up because a sale makes my day.

That feels good!

It feels good to have hope again. So good.
We had our Urologist appointment yesterday. We were prepared for the worst. And thankfully for once this year, we didn't get it. Our count went up from 175,000 to 425,000. While its a long shot away from anything even resembling normal its a step in the right direction. And the Uro decided to write DH a script for 3 months of clomid. We can only hope that the clomid will cause his counts to skyrocket. I'm not going to count on it, but the hope is still there.
And finally something that qualifies as good news! I can't tell you how long its been since we got really good news. The feeling almost felt alien after so much time being down and disappointed. My Dh works for a contracting company for Nissan. So basically he does the same stuff as the Nissan guys working longer hours for less pay and less benefits. It's been two years. Last night after we got home he checked his email. There was an offer of employment there. Whoohoo! Hopefully before the year is out he'll be switched over and be a real Nissan employee. So awesome.
Then this morning, I get a call... from the vet's office.  It took them two and a half weeks after my initial interview but this morning they called to schedule a working interview for Tuesday. Basically from what I understand, I'll go in, shadow/work without pay, and they'll decide if I'm a good fit. Getting this job would be a great step in the right direction for us. I would finally be able to start saving up money for treatments. Right now our fund sits at a measly $140.00 . Far cry from my guesstimated $13,000.
Also early yesterday morning I got a text from a former client. We hit it off when I did her engagement pictures, and then her wedding, and then a few months later her kids' pictures. She said she was interested in going hiking once a week and was wondering if I knew of any good hiking places close by. And if I would like to join her, because she'd like to just hang out with me sometime. I tell you what that put a huge smile on my face. I don't make friends very easily, I never have. I'm excited for my 'chick date'.
So much good news in such a short time after such a long time without it, I swear I'm giddy.
I also started thinking about doing a gift wrapping service fundraiser and got my mom to agree to go in it with me if I don't get this job. I was thinking set up at the local mall and wrap gifts for donations.
Also I sold something else on Zazzle which made me dive back into designing. Thanks my Canadian friend. I hope you enjoy the shirt. With my husband spurring me on I started a Christmas Card site. Which is here           www.cards.yolasite.com 

One step forward, two steps back

It should be called the IF shuffle. Except there's no music. Just the sound of your own heart beating, the silence in the room, the tears you refuse to cry.
Right now we're in tortuous limbo yet again. We finally managed to do our third SA. They called yesterday to let us know the results were in and to schedule an appointment. They refused to let us have the results without an appointment which I frankly think is just blackmail. Especially since we sure as heck are not going forward with this Uro. Good or bad it doesn't change that fact. The appointment is on Monday. I'm a little pissed that we have to wait a whole nother weekend, but I'm more pissed about letting go of that copay when I know its going to be wasted and could be used for something else. We're operating under the assumption that everything is still horrible. We know for a fact it couldn't get any worse, but we aren't expecting it to get better either. It's a way to guard ourselves. Prepare for the worst and be pleasantly surprised if that doesn't happen.
Our step forward, DH finally opened up about our IF to his family. This week while his father was in for triple bypass surgery (he's out and doing good by the way) he confided in his family. This is a huge step for him. It made me happy to hear that he was willing to share. It made me just a tad giddy that his brother suggested a sperm donor as a solution to our problems. I have for the recorded suggested this only twice before, once before we knew what the problem was and we were going over all possible outcomes and solutions and once after. DH has been very much against it. I don't even bring it up because he has such a strong reaction to the option. Yay that someone close to him brought it up for me and even more yay that that someone was a man. I kinda feel a little guilty about those yay's.
Our two steps back. I decided a little while ago that I wasn't in the right mental frame of mind yet to truly consider adoption. Not with an open heart. And I refuse to go into it, if there's a chance at all that I wouldn't ever accept this path as the right one. Maybe one day it will be, but not until I know I've done all I can to have a child of my own, to be pregnant even just once. I told DH that for now I want to take adoption off the table. No more talks, no more suggestions. For now it's not an option that I can find peace with. Unfortunately he didn't seem to get that memo that off the table means off the table. We watched Shark Tank, a couple on there adopted. He looks at me and goes, "Look at that beautiful little girl that they ADOPTED." and yes he really did emphasis it like that. I didn't say anything just left the room. It irked me though. He brought it up in the car about a week ago. I reminded him that I didn't want to talk about it right now. Today he did it again. Out of the blue his voice came from the living room, "Hey would you be interested in adopting out of the country instead?" I got up from desk, patiently explained that it would cost just as much if not more to do so.  When he said donor sperm was off the table months ago I haven't brought it up again. I refused to make him feel pressured or guilty for that decision. He can't even leave my option off the table for a few weeks. I got a little angry, I admit. I reminded him again that I wanted it off the table for a little while. He kept pushing. So I pushed back, 'why are you so gungho about adoption if you won't even consider a sperm donor.' We got into an emotional conversation. It never got heated enough to become an argument but it still wasn't pleasant. He couldn't explain his stance. All the problems that he has with a sperm donor are the same ones we would face through adoption and then some. I told him that I wouldn't bring it back up again, that it was his position to do so and that he shouldn't bring adoption back in to the conversation because that was my position to do so. Afterall we're not going forward with anything unless we're both on board, right? He closed down a few minutes in, sat sulking on the couch tapping on his knee, and then went to bed about three hours early.
 I probably shouldn't have pushed back. But I can't help but feel that his stance is incredibly unfair. There's nothing wrong with me that we've been able to find. Why shouldn't I get that experience? And if the tables were reversed I would be fine with an egg donor, hell I would even be fine with a surrogate, because it would be related to at least one of us. It wouldn't bother me at all. I feel like he's saying if I can't be a biological parent then neither can you. And then I get angry and then I feel guilty for getting angry. And I feel like he's pushing and pressuring me towards adoption and I'm not ready. And then I get angry all over again.
I hate that this journey seems to be built on anger and guilt, anger and guilt sprinkled with massive doses of sorrow and just enough hope that it hurts when you get knocked on your ass. 
Oh and no call back from that job so I guess that didn't pan out either :(

In the Cards

I do a tarot reading every Samhain night, aka Halloween. While I’m not nearly as spiritual as I once was, this one little ritual I keep. A tarot reading about the coming year.
It can be a little odd to watch your life laid out in symbolism. To see the foundation of the year as being caught by failure unawares with a warning not to despair. To see the past as two roads diverging in the wood, which one did I take again? To see the present spelled out as, I kid you not, the end of a cycle and being ready to move forward. Boy am I ever. The past and the present are easy to decipher it’s when we look at the future that things start to get hazy. Why? Because the future is colored by our perceptions and our desires. We will look for what we want to see or what we fear to see. In the spread I use depending on how you choose to interpret there are at least two cards representing the future. The first for me told me about contentment…alone. Being happy with what I’ve wrought by myself. It’s not the card I wanted to see. I wanted to see one of the two cards that I have dubbed the happy home cards. I didn’t get them anywhere in my spread.  The next four cards can be interpreted to be a future for each of the upcoming three months of the year  or they can be interpreted as investigative cards with the final card being the outcome. Either way the outcome doesn’t change. I see myself being led by emotion. I see a light at the end of the tunnel of an arduous journey. I see me being unsure of myself, of being overly analytical. And then I see the Sun. Another card for contentment. Contentment for the things in my life that I can do and those that I cannot do. At peace with the universe.  I want contentment, I want peace, but I can’t help but shake the feeling that it’s not going to be found where I want it to be. I keep seeing the alone flash. Boo.

Next I did two  past, present, future readings. One for adoption. One for IVF.
I pulled the happy home card for the future in adoption. Tears immediately pooled up in my eyes. I don’t even remember right now what the past and present cards were. I zeroed in on that card. All were minor arcana.
Then I did one for IVF.  I pulled the empress, which is close as you can get to earth mother for the present, and the moon for the future. The moon is uncertain, hazy. And the Hermit for the past. All were major arcana. Stronger influences.

Unsatisfied I did another spread, the dilemma. The dilemma pulled up as rational thought fleeing from emotions. Ivf’s choice pulled up as rest after a long struggle, but only a temporary rest, you have to go back to battle. Adoption’s choice pulled up that the outcome was already determined the events already set in motion. But if you change one thing, it changes everything. Then another card for a choice I’m not considering. Again contentment, sharing abundance. That third choice that’s the one I should go with. Pity I don’t know what it is.

My last card I pulled was the eight of pentacles. ‘Be wary of being so excited about the harvest, that you forget about the balance sheet’. This was the answer to my question of what should I do to be happy.

Does anybody else read cards? I’d love a second or third opinion. I’m using the Gilded Tarot.

 

Edited to add some second thoughts:  There are some trains of thought that put the major arcana as people. Only two major arcana showed up in my original spread. The lovers and The sun. Since the Lovers showed up at the crossing which means impolitely the problem that one’s probably a guarantee. It probably really does represent exactly what it says. The Sun as a person… doing a little digging I’ve found that in other decks the Sun often represents a child, either a boy or twins. Huh. See what I mean about how our hopes and desires become imprinted upon the reading.

A glimpse

Today is cd1.
Yesterday I was asked to watch my godsons for the day. I arrived at 6:10. Sat in silence while the boys slept all the time watching the clock. Just before 7 I went and moved the car seats into my car and started it because it was a chilly twenty something outside. At 7:00 I went into the oldest's room, E, and woke him up. He's changed from the last time I did this, almost a year ago. Usually he pops right up. Today he grumbled and flopped over. Then grumbled and flopped over again pulling his teddy bear over his face. I remember not wanting to get up for school. My mom used to turn on the light, which infuriated me and only made me want to burrow deeper into the covers. So I sat on the edge of his bed in the dark and rubbed his back talking quietly to him. Time to get up. It's almost time for school. Gotta get dressed. You don't want to be late, do you? It didn't take too much before he sat up and swung his legs over the side of his bed. I brought him his clothes and then warned him I was turning on the light before I left the room to get his almost two year old brother, P, ready. He wasn't ready to get up either, and whiney cried while I changed his nighttime diaper and got him dressed for the day. While I was doing that I reminded the eldest to brush his teeth. Dressed and ready for the day we headed into the kitchen to make a sippy cup for the road.  E came back in dressed, teethbrushed but shoeless. Go get your shoes. He darted off down the hall. I called after him, and a jacket! I put a jacket on P, then helped E when the zipper proved troublesome. Got out E's lunch box from the frig, grabbed E's backpack and my purse and headed out into the cold. E promptly told me the ground was frozen. We made it to school, dropped E off, and headed back home. I took off P's jacket and made him breakfast, chopped up bananas and grapes with a side of apple juice. He didn't eat much, so I put in the fridge for later. Gave him the benedryl his mom had left out for his sinus drainage in a little dropper. Must taste good cause he wanted more. Nu-uh not happening little guy.  Changed over to milk and laid him back down when he started rubbing at his eyes. Yeah Benedryl makes me sleepy too. He slept til almost noon and I napped on the couch. Everytime I nap when the kids sleep I have nightmares. Every single time. They're crying and I can't get up, he fell out of the crib and busted his head, he climbed out of the crib and is now running rampant through the house. You get the gist. So I woke up every 30 minutes to an hour and tiptoed to check in on him. He was always sound asleep. He was happy to get up when I came for him this time. We played in the living room for a while, spiderman and trucks. Then we tried breakfast again. Still not much luck. Changed a dirty diaper, attempted potty training with no luck and moved to E's room to watch a cartoon. Kung-Fu Panda  3. One of those movies I absolutely cannot watch without crying now. Ugh. P lost interest halfway through and kept bringing me stuff to look at, "Mama look". The little voice kinda ripping at my heart as I told him repeatedly 'not Mama, Cindal.' Before I knew it was time to go pick up E. We waited in line for around 30 minutes before we got him. They had a pep rally at school. It was fun. He got to sit with his friends. We got home and I fixed E  corndogs and ketchup for a snack. P finally dove into his fruit with abandon and then shared E's second corndog. E pulled out super mario brothers on the super nintendo while I read P a story for the hundredth time. Their mom got home. To my surprise neither of the boys got up and ran to her. P sat on my lap, E binging and boinging his way across my childhood. I asked if P called everybody mama. She got an odd look and said no. We decided it was because we're around the same age and the lady that normally watches them is a lot older. E asked me to stay for dinner and I agreed.
It was a weird day. I haven't watched both the boys since our infertility problem became real. You know it all comes so natural, even the car seats in my rear view. I used to worry about being a good mother. I worried alot. Watching my godsons on a regular basis helped to ease that worry.  It's good practice, I don't care what anyone says *Ahem GM*, its practice. I know how to do things that alot of new mothers don't have a clue on. When E was P's age, I watched him 4 days a week from 5 in the morning til 5 at night for almost 2 years. Yeah, that's hella practice. Bath time, breakfast lunch and sometimes even dinner, naps, potty training, please and thankyou, tantrums from hell and back, I've even tagged along on more than a dozen doctor's visits. I've been puked on, sneezed on, and on one newborn photography shoot peed on.
I'm as prepared as I can be. I'm ready. This little glimpse into motherhood doesn't scare me or put me off the idea of kids, even with a croupy two year old who is fascinated with the word no and six year old whose favorite phrase is 'Guess what?' I know I'm ready. It's not fair, but IF is definitely not fair.  

Interview

I decided a week or so back that there is no way that we are going to be able to afford ivf or adoption at this point by ourselves. Something has got to change. I love doing my photography but honestly it doesn't bring home much more than gas money and a couple lunches out a month. If I could get more business in the door it would work but right now it's not reliable. I can't save 15 to 30k when I'm only clearing 3k a year. It's impossible. This year has been hella hard on us. First the infertility, then the diabetes, then a broken down truck and two cars. Money just seems to be flying out the door hand over fist. So I sat down to do a little creative math. I set my goal for around 10k. My results went something like this. Part time job working 20 hours a week, I'd have to bring home about 10/hr to make my goal. Full time job working 40 hours a week, I could make anything over $5/hr and make the goal, which is great since minimum wage is what $7.25 these days? So a full time job working 40 hours a week at minimum wage would put me around 13k.
With the math pushing me onwards I sent in an application on Tuesday. A vet's office in the town over, about a 25 minute drive, was looking for a receptionist. 'Hey," I thought, "I could do that and I love animals. Probably won't get it but hey what the hell. And I'd have at least every Sunday for photography." Well they called this morning and asked me to come in for an interview. Honestly I was a little flabbergasted. I did not think they would call. I arrived almost 30 minutes early and parked at the Co-op up the street to wait. I broke at the 10 minute mark, drove down to their parking lot, and walked in. The vet saw me almost immediately. She took me into an examination room, the same examination room I've brought my furbabies over the years, and started the interview. I'm honest person I didn't hold anything back.
When she asked about why I was interested in the position I told her about the diabetes, the broke cars, etc and that I was not looking forward to another year like this one. We talked a little more. She hinted that she might like me to take Pet Santa photos for them. Great. She asked if we had kids. I told her about the infertility diagnosis and that we needed to save somewhere between 15 and 30 thousand regardless of which direction we ultimately decided to take so no kids were not an issue. I don't know if it was wise to be that open with her, but IF I do get the job and like it, and IF we do save the money we need, and IF we do pursue IVF I'm going to need an understanding boss who will let me off to do the countless appointments. If she's not that person why bother, right? Cause honestly once the money is there if push comes to shove our family building trumps a job.
The whole interview process took around 15 minutes according to my husband who waited out the car. It seemed like a lot longer than that to me. It's been over 4 years since the last time I had an interview where I wasn't letting my portfolio do the talking for me. I don't know if it went well or not. I don't even know if I want it to have gone well. Honestly I'm not looking forward to rejoining the typical workforce, but I know its necessary if I ever want to follow this process to its end.  The things we do for our children, even the ones who don't exist yet.

A Dash of excitement

I made my very first Zazzle sale today!!! Yay! A wondrous little thrill raced up my spine when I saw the notification email.
It's really amazing because less than 4 days ago I pulled up the Zazzle site and stared at everything I  had designed. I looked at the page views of every item. I clicked select all and then hovered over the delete button for a good 5 minutes. I was ready to toss in the towel. It's been months since I built my Zazzle store. Months. And then Bam!!!
Someone somewhere out there bought my Stand Up Poster. So I just have this to say...
Hey..you...THANK YOU.

Left Behind

Today I am 4dpo with a massive .5 temp dip. Boo, hiss, like I need something else to over analyze. But of course, I will because I just can't seem to help myself. So I cut my workout at the gym in half, just in case I should over exert myself. Silly me.
This past weekend I ran a photobooth at our 10th annual Bark in the Park, an annual fundraiser that benefits the local no-kill animal shelter. It was my second year being invited. I remember thinking last year that all the good karma would surely boost my chances of getting pregnant. This year it didn't even cross my mind. Good karma or no, it didn't happen before and I can't help but think it's not going to happen again. I spent the first 2 or so hours at the event battling ovulation pains. Yay! Not. When they finally relented I started having fun. The day goes like this, smile at the people, smile at the dog, wait for tail wag, squat and love on the dog while making small talk with its person, stand up, arrange people and pets, squat again to take pictures, stand, take money, hand out flyer, mentally fuss at the dog who just marked my tablecloth, assure dog's owner that its no biggie, repeat at least 20 times during the 5 hour event. I loved meeting everyone's furbabies. My favorites of the day were the great danes, irish wolfhounds, and a beautiful wolf/malamute mix. I was happy to see several of my customers from last year come back to my booth again. Repeat customers are always the ultimate compliment. Last year we made $100 for the shelter this year its looking like $160 though I haven't got all the numbers in yet. My poor tablecloth absolutely reeked by the end of the day. Could barely hold it long enough to get it in the wash. Shew! And of course I let myself get dehydrated. Bleck. Of course I woke up the next day with screeching thigh muscles. I am so disappointed in those muscles. I thought for sure with all the gym days and weight lifting especially on the thigh machine, that it wouldn't happen this year. No such luck.

This little furbaby is waiting for someone to bring him to his forever home. Err...maybe it was a her.

Odd little thought that morning I was awakened by a vibration on my hip. Sleepy as I was I immediately swooped my hand down into my imaginary pocket looking for my phone. Yeah, no pocket, no phone. I started to drift back off to sleep when it happened again. This time I sat all the way up, threw back the covers, and looked around the bed. Nothing. I sat there warily for a few minutes. It didn't happen again and I fell back asleep. But how weird was that.

Anyways also during the weekend I was added to highschool reunion group on facebook. Of course one of the first three posts is asking how many of us have kids. Ick. A glutton for punishment I perused the list. I expected most of my classmates to have one maybe two kids. Nu-uh. More than a dozen have 5 kids. Several have 7. Seven kids. We've only been graduated for eight years. They've pretty much literally popped one out every single year. Wth, man! I can't help but feel even more left behind than I did before. Which is stupid. Why do I care how many kids so and so that I haven't seen or talked to in eight years has. Really. Course I think I took more offense to the post from the popular kids apologising for their behavior in school. It's so easy for them to apologise and so hard for the people that took the abuse to move past it. They go on about how life experiences made them mature and grow up and look at things in a new perspective. Yeah, I didn't need life experiences or more maturity to know that you shouldn't treat others that way, and I bet if they were honest with themselves they knew what they were doing was wrong when they were doing. The apology feels like such a cop out. End rant.

Chugging along

Several seemingly random topics to cover today.
First....I finally got my dad to read a story for my storybook cd. He complained and grumbled all the way up to the time I counted him in. It took less than 5 minutes and as soon as I stopped the recording he started grumbling again. Sometimes I just want to sit there and shake my head at him.  I don't know why he insists on playing the grizzly bear when inside he's cotton candy. One of the gems from that short time...'I'm not gonna croak anytime soon and even if I do the kid's probably better off not knowing me.' Gee, dad, that's a wonderful sentiment. *eyeroll* My mom and I keep reminding him that its not necessarily just for in case he 'croaks' so much as it's a really nice idea.
A few weeks earlier my brother asked me why I hadn't asked him to read a story. I was a little dumbstruck. Honestly I hadn't even considered him. I don't know why but while I can imagine losing everyone else in my life for some reason I never think about losing him. I don't know why that is. And even though it never occurred to me to ask him, it was also because it never occurred to me that he would even want to be included in this project. He's not exactly warm and fuzzy unless he gets a couple shots in him. I told him that I didn't think he would want to do it. His response was, ' well you knew dad wouldn't want to do it either.'  I think maybe I hurt his feelings and that was something I certainly hadn't intended to do, but it got me thinking. So after I finished with my father's story I sent my brother a text, mainly because it was raining outside and I didn't want to get soaked to walk up to his apartment, telling him to come on up and pick out a story and to tell his wife, J, that if she wanted to read one she could come up too. I waited and waited. Thirty minutes passed and no reply. So I sent him another one letting him know I was planning on going back to my house in about an hour. Again no reply. I waited the full hour and then left feeling even more confused. Why did he make an issue of me not asking him, if he didn't want to do it in the first place? I really don't understand people.
I have however thought of a way to improve my idea even more. I think I will scan in all the pages of the book along with a picture of whoever is telling the story and make a dvd out of it. With my husbands audio engineering expertise he should be able to eq and master the sound any way I want it and I can handle the rest. I had, at one time, casually mentioned creating a movie instead of just sound but everyone shied away from that idea pretty quick. lol. Everybody is concerned about how they look and how they sound. It's kinda funny in a way.
Moving on... I discovered recently that PepsiCo offers its employees $8,000 in adoption assistance. Pretty nifty, right? Makes me want to go work for them. Our friend who is actively pursuing adoption just quit his job and got on with Fritolay which is a subsidiary of PepsiCo. Of course the employer he quit from is also my husband's employer and guess what...no adoption assistance. Bleck.
I have so many questions about their journey. They asked me to take pictures for them for their profile book, at first I was jazzed about it. Then they asked if I could take nice pictures that didn't look posed or professional. Huh. That actually makes it alot harder. My husband doesn't seem to understand that creating posed pictures that don't look posed is actually more difficult than regular posed, even though I use natural posing techniques usually. They said the adoption agency strongly suggested not using professional posed pictures. Never heard that before. But I told them I'd make a  go of it. Then they mentioned that the homestudy wouldn't be finished for a year. Huh. My somewhat limited research and lurking on adoption boards certainly hasn't suggested that. Most homestudies seemed to get done in about 3 months. I'm so confused, so so much conflicting info out there.
Finally my grandmother just finished organizing/helping with a fundraiser/benefit for a local couple who are in deep with medical expenses. She's had alot of years of experiencing doing similar things for 'Pokey' which is the affectionate nickname we've given to the building that is now just a community center but used to be the local senior citizen's center and even further back the school where my grandmother attended as a child. Any rate they raised $7,000 for the couple in one night. Wow. I have to say that gives me a little bit of hope if we need to fundraise ourselves.
Speaking of fundraising, tomorrow I get to be a part of a charity event supporting our local no-kill animal shelter. I did pet portraits for them last year and was able to raise $100 for them. They were so pleased that they asked me back again this year! I'm excited to see everybody's furbabies. My favorites from last year were the Irish Wolfhounds. I so hope they'll be back again this year and even more hopefully that maybe they'll stop by my booth.   

Well if you've stuck with me for this long how about a song. This one is my new favorite and it's lifting my spirits when I badly need it.  BTW she's accepting videos as to what you think is 'Brave'. I thought about doing one on infertility and adoption but a. not a filmmaker  b. not out of the infertility closet just yet   c. its not just my journey but also my husband's and he's not comfortable at all with being open about our situation.

Baby Things

This week has been...interesting to say the least. No less than 3 newborn babies showing up in my feed, all born within 24 hours of each other, and within 36 hours of the start of my period.
1. A girl from highschool who told several people quite loudly that she wasn't happy about being pregnant and that it was going to ruin her life.
2. My brother's best friend. It's his second child but first kid for his second marriage. He was ecstatic and more than happy to shove his 'boy' in my brother's face. My brother wanted a little boy and got a girl. He's happy about it now.
3. My sister in law's niece. She lost her husband to a car wreck about a month after finding out they were pregnant. It's her first son, but her fourth child.
It's difficult seeing all those babies showing up in my feed. They're all from different backgrounds and different situations, but all of them make me feel sad. Sometimes its for me, sometimes its for them, sometimes its for the kid. But I can't help but feel sad. I know now after months of being on this crazy train that my feelings are natural. At one point or another everyone struggling with infertility will feel this way, this sadness in the face of a happy occasion.

The phone call I received last night only seemed to make it worse. It was my mother and usually conversations with her don't hurt. This one did. We made a little bit of small talk, caught up on each other's day and then she dived in. 'So what do you want us to do with 'Little Bit's' baby thing?" (Little Bit is my nickname for my niece. My mom didn't use it but it's not fair to include her in my blogging by name. Anyway.) I paused for a minute, a sinking feeling in my stomach, 'What do you mean?"
"Well do you want us to keep them and save them for you or can J give them away? She was thinking of giving alot of the stuff to (#2 on the list). But I told her we should ask you first."
"Oh..." I got quiet. Rolled the thoughts around in my head. Played devil's advocate in silence. It would be great to have some of that stuff around for when we finally become parents. But then...all I could see was a storage room full of baby things that might never get used. The reminder as the years pass on. I pulled myself out of my vision. "Tell her to give it to whoever she wants," I finally answered, "There's no sense in having all this stuff laying around for years on end when someone could be getting good use of it." I don't think it was the answer my mom wanted to hear. "Yeah, I guess you're right," she paused, "and I guess we can always buy more of it when the time comes."
"Yep," I nodded my head vigorously even though she couldn't see it through the phone cord. We talked for maybe a minute or two more and then I said goodbye. The conversation had left a bad taste in my mouth and an empty spot in my stomach. And I for one wasn't interested in dragging it out any longer.
My mom told me the other day that she's still holding out hope that this will happen for us naturally. I know that it bothers her that I don't really have that much hope for it anymore. It bothers my husband as well. It bothers me that my not having hope bothers them. I'm just being rational, looking at the statistics, and attempting to accept our situation for what it really is so that I can process it and move on with life.

This is a Recording

You may remember the idea I had to record my grandparents reading some stories for a future little one. This weekend I took off down the road with my laptop, storybook, and a dinky little microphone that I've had for years. My Nana was more than happy to participate. The first thing that we recorded was this song called 'Little Man' that my grandma likes to sing. I never liked it a whole bunch because the duck gets shot. But it's part of my childhood. Next I had her pick a story from the book, which is an omnibus collection of Little Golden Books. She picked 'Goodnight Little Bear'. We got through it pretty quickly only messing up a teeny tiny bit. My Nana is a good storyteller, she does the voices and the noises both. I reassured her that she did not in fact sound like a total hick. Then while she wrote out a script for another song, I pinned down my grandfather. He hemmed and hawed about it for a few moments but still sat down and began looking through the book for his story. I knew the one he would pick out. 'The Color Kittens'. My grandfather loves kitty cats. As I positioned the mic close enough to pick him up, he straightens his back and tucks in his chin. I signal him to start and am immediately amazed at the change in his voice. Deeper richer. I would have never imagined his reading voice would be so much different than his speaking voice. He adlibbed a little here and there which only served to make a truer reflection of who he really is. It recorded beautifully. I was amazed at his voice. It reminded me of this old record I used to have that had the story of Sleepy Hollow on one side and Rip Van Winkle on the other. His voice was just that awesome. If he could stay on point he would make a wonderful narrator. Then my Nana and I headed down to the creek to record another old favorite, 'Blind Child's Prayer'. We decided to record it down there because when I was little I used to lay in her lap in the swing listening to her sing, the creek burble, the leaves whisper, as she gently wove her fingers through my hair with one hand, patting out a beat with the other. I was hoping it might pick up some of the ambient noises. It didn't, my cheapo mic wasn't powerful enough but it did make a very crisp very clear recording of her voice.
Afterwards we went for a walk. My brother met us on the way back and asked what we had been up to. My Nana told him immediately obviously thinking he already knew. I had wanted to keep it a little bit of a secret. Maybe its selfish but I wanted to make this for MY future little one. And I knew what would happen which it did. My brother asked me to make him a copy for his daughter when I finished. I mean she already has access to our grandparents, she sees them two to three times every single week. I guess it is a little selfish, but now I don't really have that option. I agreed to give him a copy when it was finished.
My parents got home a little later and I attempted to corner my Dad. That didn't work. He refused to participate citing a headache, being too busy, he wasn't croaking anytime soon, not in the mood, blah blah blah. Maybe I can catch him on another day. My mom and I retired to my old bedroom and sat down to listen to the recordings i'd already done. That's when we realized that 'Little Man' hadn't recorded completely. Don't know why, maybe the jack slipped out of the port. So I'll have to bring it all back out there again next weekend to redo it anyways. Then Mom recorded mine and my brother's favorite childhood story 'The Pokey Little Puppy." She messed up and got tickled. She wanted to redo it but i loved the little laugh in her voice that made her all the more real in the recorded version. That's the version of my Mom I'd want my kid to know anyways.
I'm going to try and get my husband to use his fancy recording software to put it all together and EQ it properly in the end.
It feels good to get this done. I know that its preparing to make the best of a horrible situation. It's a little morbid in a way. But I'd rather be a little morbid and a lot prepared than to be in denial and miss out on this opportunity and consequently cause my future child to miss out too. My grandmother assured me once again that no matter what happened, iui, ivf, adoption, they would support me and love whatever child we brought into the family.

Friday the 13th

Alot of people seem to think that Friday the 13th is a bad day. Nobody is for sure exactly where the superstition came from. For me this Friday the 13th has been a good day. Today is mine and my husband's 4th wedding anniversary!
It's hard to believe that its been four years since our wedding day and a little over eight since we started dating to begin with. I think we've surprised alot of people with how far we've made it. A few have even been silly enough to say that out loud. I'll admit we were an unlikely pair in the beginning. I was a socially stunted quiet young woman freshly graduated from highschool and working at my first job outside of the family business. He was eight years older, had already owned and sold his own franchise and was starting over as a general manager. He had an infectious smile and a kind heart even though the weight on his shoulders was at times immense. I could have never imagined the first day I met him that this is where we would end up. It certainly wasn't love at first sight, but then again I was far too rational and closed off for that to have happened. I do know that from that first day he made my life better.
Our wedding day was beautiful. It was on a Sunday. I woke at the crack of dawn and slipped out of the house as quietly as I could manage. My feet were soaked with dew by the time I'd finished the short walk to my grandmother's house and the area where we would have both the ceremony and reception. I couldn't move the huge round tables I'd rented by myself so I crept into their sleeping house and into my grandmother's bedroom as I'd done so many times before waiting for the school bus. It hit me as I watched her sleep that this would probably be the very last time I would do it. It made me hesitate to wake her up, but I did. She threw on some old sweats and helped me lug the big tables into position, and then the chairs. My mother and maid of honor arrived shortly thereafter and together the four of us put up the decorations, wrapping tulle around fence posts, filling little glass vases with stones, water, and a floating candles. I attended to pretty much every detail. I didn't realize then that I tend towards the control freak side of things. But I did have my hands in everything for our wedding. I made the ring bearer pillow, all the floral arrangements, the invitations, even designed the cake. I was finishing up on the back deck when I saw him coming from the house. He was smiling though still a little groggy. I caught a glimpse of him coming through the line of forsythia bushes and under the trellis before I darted back to my grandmother's bedroom. Out of breath and suddenly so very anxious. With shaking hands I did my own hair and makeup, putting tiny little white butterflies in my hair. Then it was time to step into my gown. My best friend from grade school helped my mother lace me up. I was shaking, peeping out the window as everyone arrived. The lady who drove my school bus when I was younger arrived with the cake as we took a few informal bridal photos away from prying eyes. My dad came to tell me it was time and escort me down the aisle. I stepped out of the safety of the house and everyone swiveled to look at me. My heart stopped. I felt panic rising up. I seriously considered turning to run rather than walk through the midst of all those staring faces. My dad latched onto my arm, probably feeling me tense. My gaze lifted and I met my husband's face. Everyone else disappeared as if a massive fog had swept through the yard. I made it through our guests, who thank god didn't stand. I said my vows in a clear sure voice. He broke down and cried saying his. I am so very happy that I went first. I wouldn't have been able to keep from crying if I'd followed that. It was over so fast.

We cut the cake, signed the papers, and were whisked away to the airport. The first step to fulfilling my lifelong dream of visiting Ireland. Our honeymoon was amazing.
We celebrated our anniversary yesterday since he has to work nightshift all this weekend. He brought me some wonderful gifts then we went to the Olive Garden to eat. I bought him a black long sleeve jacket thingy that he looked absolutely striking in. It was a good day and it felt nice to have something to celebrate.

Make no bones about it. This year has been our most difficult ever. With the diabetes diagnosis, the infertility diagnosis, and his mother's failing health, it has been a struggle most days to find a reason to smile. I know that this is the stuff that makes or breaks a marriage. This is where we discover if the words we said on our wedding day were true. And for us they were. Our marriage and our relationship is just as strong as ever. We are finding a strength within each other that we never knew existed. And whatever comes, whatever happens I am so glad and so grateful that he is my husband.

Where am I?

I used to pride myself on knowing who I was and where I stood. I was a constant. I wasn't swayed by peer pressure or the things on tv because I knew innately who I was. I assumed that self-awareness would carry me through the rest of my life. I would always be the old soul. Like so many other things Infertility seems to have taken that away from me. I don't know where I stand anymore from moment to moment.  The latest ground that seems to be crumbling beneath my feet is on the subject of adoption.
I always thought that adoption was an amazing option. I thought growing up that it would be nice to adopt someone. So when trying to conceive started taking longer than anticipated adoption naturally came up. I started doing research, lurking on an adoption board, preparing myself mentally for the realities that would come with that choice. When we were officially diagnosed with male factor infertility, the adoption option became more real. We knew that IVF simply wasn't cost effective. Not to mention the invasive procedures and copious amounts of drugs that are necessary in a single IVF cycle. I don't take tylenol unless the pain makes it hard to function. Together we ruled it out. Then as the journey progressed and I did even more research, we ruled it back in. Adoption became further down the line of options. With my husband's last SA even IVF started to look like a pipe dream. Adoption inches closer.
Last night my husband came home from visiting with a friend. I've been trying to get him to go and talk to this friend for months. I know he needs someone to talk to as much as I need my dreamers. I was relieved that he finally went. His friend is starting the adoption process due to male factor infertility. Hubby came home in a whole different frame of mind then he left that morning. He was excited, exuberant even. I was happy for him. Glad he had someone to talk to. Then he said, 'Hun, how bout we skip all this treatment stuff and go straight to adoption.' I'll admit I'd rolled that thought around in my head more than a couple of times in the past couple weeks. But when he said it aloud and excited, something broke inside me. The tears started welling up immediately, my throat clogged up, I couldn't talk without my voice cracking. It wasn't til he said it out loud that I realized how much I'm not ready to go there. I surprised myself completely with my gut wrench reaction to a simple suggestion. I don't know who I am anymore. Now I can't help but be over whelmed with guilt. And I don't even really know where it's coming from.
Hubby keeps asking these questions. "Is it just that you want to experience pregnancy?" "Is it just that you want a kid that looks like us?" Is it just.... JUST. It's not JUST anything. It's everything all together. Never experiencing pregnancy or childbirth,no maternity pictures, no baby shower, not being able to see myself in a child, having to pay thousands upon thousands of dollars, having someone judge me and my ability to be a parent, the possibility of a failed match, especially a last minute one where I've loved that baby for 2 weeks or more before the revocation period is over, having to have that talk with the child, hearing them say even once that I'm not their real mother, knowing that eventually they'll want to find their bio mom and me feeling like I wasn't enough if they need that. Yes they grew within someone else for 9 months but I was there for 18 years! I'm their real mom. And you can forget about those huggy feely open adoptions where the bio mom comes to visit for Christmas and birthdays. No..no..no you can't have your cake and eat it too, darn it. Not in my world. And what bio mom is going to pick closed off me over open Sally over there. All at once all these thoughts came crashing down on me and they were real not just nimbusy what-ifs. And I realized that I'm terrified. I'm really really scared. And I shouldn't be, right?
Maybe lurking on the adoption board wasn't the right thing to do but I watched these women experience incredible heartbreak from failed matches. I cried for them. They bounced back and tried again and sometimes tragically they had to do it all over yet again. I know that a late failed match will destroy me emotionally. I will not bounce back. The husband agrees and said, 'Well if that happens its the ultimate cosmic signal that we just shouldn't have children at all'. That didn't help at all, though I'm sure he thought it would.
I don't know where I am because the landscape is constantly changing around me, and through its changing its changing me as well.
My real life experience with adoption was limited. The closest I got was a kinship adoption, when my parents took in my 15 year old cousin. For three years she was my sister. I was young, I don't remember the time before her. The day she turned 18 she packed her bags and left, didn't even stay for the party we planned, didn't open her gifts, or eat cake. I didn't see her again for years and by then she had a kid of her own. By then I was angry. I'm still angry with her for leaving us, for taking our love and pretending we were family and then leaving the first chance she got and fracturing my youth.
I used to think adoption was helping someone. But knowing that what I want is infant adoption, I can't help but feel that I'm not really helping someone. There are waiting lists a mile long for infants. If I don't do it, you can darn well bet someone else is eager to take my place in line. And then there are the adopted kids who grow up and talk about how adoption ruined their lives, even if they were placed with loving families. I'm having a hard time seeing the positives anymore.
Rationally I think this is all part of the grieving process. Irrationally I feel like a bad person. The husband has since assured me that he's not ready to start the process either, not yet. That I shouldn't feel bad, but I do. I've always been supportive of adoption, why can't I be supportive of it for me?
I feel like I'm floundering and just plain lost right now.
If you would have asked me two weeks ago, heck even two days ago, about adoption I would have been overly positive and optimisitic, hopeful. Where did that person go? How did she just disappear into thin air?
I could really use some insights, some positive experiences, some reassurance that my emotions right now are normal, anything to shed some light on the situation while I fumble around in the dark.

Nosey Posey

This weekend the husband and I went to a family event. And as seems preresquite for any event nowadays everyone seems inordinately interested in my reproductive timeline. In the two to three hours or so at the cookout I was prodded no less than 4 times about kids. Really people is it any of your business? Why is it so freaking important to you? *sigh*
The first came inocuously enough from a friend of my uncle's, "So when are you gonna have kids?" Let's ignore the fact that you basically just became a thundercloud on an otherwise pretty day. I shrugged, "I don't know." This has been my go to response of late. It's honest without being revealing. She smiles softly, "You're trying though?" I nodded quietly, squirming. "Ah well it will happen eventually." I nodded again, "Eventually," and moved away trying to dislodge the little knife she plunked into my chest. I'd been there less than ten minutes. Shake it off, shake it off.
Maybe an hour later, maybe, a friend of my grandma's sat down in front of me. I've never been too awful fond of her, she just exudes mean even when she's smiling. I can't help but think deep down she's a cruel person, you know the kind, the one with the pitch black eyes and a smile that crinkles her cheek wrinkles but not her crows feet. But she's my Nana's oldest friend, they've been the best of friends since they were preteens. That's alot of years, alot of history, even if I hadn't been taught to respect my elders. The last time I saw her was a little over a year ago at my Sil's baby shower. She was interested in my timeline then. She made a rather crass comment about why she thought I wasn't pregnant yet about how I must be 'keeping my legs closed'. So I obviously wasn't looking forward to what was coming next. "So when are you going to give us another grandkid?" My response was the same as before. Surprisingly enough she backed down 'Ah well that's okay. My husband and I waited 3 years after we were married.' The husband and I looked back and forth at each other. He says, 'Well we will have been married for 4 years in about a week or so." Why, dear love, why did you say that? She gets a shocked look on her face. "Well what are you waiting for?! You're going to have him so spoiled that he won't be able to handle loosing all that attention when the baby comes." I laughed softly, when I wanted to cry, "Oh he knows how to share the attention. We have two kitty cats who get a lot of love." And her response, "Oh well he can kill the cats." My jaw dropped open. He can what?!!! You mean old biddy. I wanted to get up and leave right then. I made myself laugh again, "Not if he wanted to stay married." Then excused myself to get some cake wondering what the hell is wrong with that woman.
A few minutes later my brother, his wife, and my niece show up. Everyone goes gaga over the baby. There's more than one comment about how the she looks like me. Thanks, twist that knife will ya. Like I need another reminder that there's a good chance I may never have a child who looks like me or my husband or anyone in my family. I slink away trying desperately to slide off the radar for a little while. There's a couple more passing comments about me having kids. Nobody lingers thankfully. After a while Little bit gets passed around to me. I swear everyone at an entire table swivels to look at me as soon as I'm holding her. Old women lean in and whisper. Camera flashes are going off. Really? Never seen a woman holding a baby?! More pictures got taken in those few minutes I was holding Little bit than in the entire party. Then the same woman from earlier in the party comes back around. Apparently not content with her first swipe at me, "See this is why you have to hurry up!" I smile so you can't see that I'm clenching my teeth so hard they hurt. If I had any control in this process at all... Gah, I wanted to punch her. I see my husband looking at me from across the yard, with that sympathetic look.
What the heck is wrong with these people? No one ever stops to consider that not everyone has an easy time of it. No one thinks that someone else is hurting inside and is desperately trying to make it through just one normal day.
When we finally got home hubby says he finally understands how hard it is for me, for any woman going through infertility because of the endless questions, the expectations, the judgement, even the shaming that goes with being of a certain married age and childless. He says next time he'll step in and say 'We're adopting and we accept checks.' Hopefully that'll shut them up. Not real sure I like that idea since we haven't actually made that decision yet. Even though we certainly seem to be leaning that way.
So for those of you who are on the opposite side of this fence...Stop asking people when they're going to have children. Stop prodding into when, you might as well ask how while you're at it. Take a few moments out of your life to consider that there might be more going on then you know. That someone might be fighting what could be the most emotionally draining battle of their life. You are not helping.

Random What If...

Today's random what-if is brought to you by insomnia.
What if you were the suspect of a murder or other horrific crime? Innocent mind you of whatever you've been accused of. When the news crews swarm people you know, love, or just see on the street, what will they say about you? What will be the words plastered all over the six oclock news that will come to define who you are in the public eye and play a role in your trial?
Let's analyze my darling husband first, I've heard all of these about him before.
 Dependable. Hard-Worker. Nice Guy. Funny.
I think he's got a fair shake. More than likely someone will say 'I just don't believe it,' and really really mean it.
Ok my turn. Again I'll use words that I've actually heard before in reference to me.
Quiet. Loner. Socially Awkward. Intimidating. Weird. Freakishly Intelligent(yes someone has actually used that phrase but then again she was a bubblegum blowing, hair twirling, clueless kinda girl so there may not be much to it.)
Oh shit. I'm screwed. I'm really really screwed. The kids I went to highschool will say, "well there was always something a little off about her." And the reporters will probably stop there not bothering to dig deeper to discover that I have panic attacks related to social anxiety, have volunteered at several charity functions, and cried all day long the one time I hit a dog in the road. (There was ice and snow on the road, I hit my brakes, they started to lock, I slid towards the ditch, and I knew I no longer had a choice and let off the brakes to bring the car under control. Still bothers me.) They won't search out my few friends who'll tell them how protective I am of anyone in trouble, that I'm a good listener, or as the lady at the gym put it last week that I'm inspirational.In short pretty well incapable of being the perp. Because the face the world sees is completely different than the true face. I've worked really hard to change that in the eight years since highschool and my first job, and to an extent I've been successful on some levels but it's been an uphill battle. I now have a business 'switch' which for the few hours I'm in front of a client makes me the friendly smiley happy person I want to be. The second they're gone though I'm curled up in a ball trying to recharge or shaking out the nerves from my hands.
I'm not being over-dramatic. For kicks I postulated this scenario to my husband the other night. He immediately said, "Yeah, I've worried about that before." Great. Even you think I wouldn't have a snowball's chance.
To end this random what if post...
What would the world say about you? Would they be right on target or nowhere near the truth? Would you have a snowball's chance?

A Burden Shared

A burden shared is a burden lessened.

This past weekend I shared my infertility burden with my grandparents. I've always been extremely close to them, there was even a short time when I was a kid that I spent all week with them and came home on the weekends. It didn't last very long, because my mother couldn't handle it, very few mothers could. But at the time my brother was in school and we couldn't afford childcare. It wasn't long til we moved to a piece of property adjacent to my grandparents. The only two houses at the end of a dead end road in the middle of woods and cow fields. Less than a 2 minute walk separated me from them on a daily basis. During the school year I spent the week at home and every possible hour of the weekend at Nana's house. During the summer my parents had to coax me back home. As an adult I visit every single weekend without fail for a several hour long card game.
My grandfather is an amazing 91 years old and is still the most incredible man I know. Until this past year this former californian was still chopping down trees. He walks probably a mile nearly everyday and just finished building, on his own, a shed for my grandmother who is 13 years younger than him. With a full head of white hair at the top of his six foot frame, it isn't too surprising that women my mother's age still hit on him! He taught me to swim, to bodysurf, to play poker, pool, and blackjack, shared his love of cats, let me stand on his toes to dance, bought me my first tent, boombox, alarm, and camped out with me in said tent more times than I can count. He used to sneak cookies up to me and my friends when it was well past midnight. In short he's always been my knight in shining armor.
My Nana is his exact opposite in so many ways. She's a diminutive woman, about 5'2" and country to the core. She has to be fixed up to go anywhere other than McDonald's for ice cream. Her house reminds me of Cracker Barrel and in fact she tells the story that she helped design the very first Cracker Barrel store. It's believable once you walk into the house she and her father built. She taught me to bake, to break eggs, to have an eye for decorating, to garden, and with her countless picture taking might have even inspired my photography.
These two people have been an integral part of my life from the beginning and yet they knew nothing about the struggle my husband and I have been dealing with. I did not realize until it was over how draining it had been keeping it from them. How hard it had been keeping the hurt inside, hiding the way a pregnancy announcement or baby talk made me feel. I thought I'd been pretty good at sheltering them from our situation. Until I talked to them. They both said that they had noticed I hadn't been my 'usual chipper happy self' for months now. Huh. I would never have described myself in that way. But they're right, I haven't been myself for quite a while. They were supportive and understanding. Happily suggesting adoption if it turns out we couldn't conceive. It makes me happy to know that if we need to go down that path to build our family that my entire immediate family will not only be comfortable with it but supportive. My Nana offered to help fundraise when we were ready, bake sales, yard sales, benefits, whatever we needed. My grandfather as usual injected some of his trademark humor into the conversation when I said that at the moment 'it would be a miracle if we conceived on our own'  He said and I quote ' If those darn catholics can do it with a virgin, there's hope for you too'.  We laughed til it was uncomfortable to laugh anymore and then played cards like nothing had changed. I shared my concerns that due to their age and the time involved in the infertility process that they might not get to meet any child I had. We decided to do a few recordings of them reading stories and sharing some of the little sayings and songs that I grew up with. I'm excited to have those things for the future. No matter what my child will know about them and know that even before s/he came along they were loved.
It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I can look forward again. I love not having to hide. It feels good to have their support in my corner and to know I have cheerleaders on my side. People who know how hard the journey was and how important and precious the destination is.

Warning Label

They should put a warning label on movies. They really should. 'This movie contains situations that couples suffering through infertility will find heartbreaking/too close to home.' Yeah, Okay so they're never going to do that.
Last night Hubby and I sat down for a movie night. A night to unwind and take our minds off things. We picked two light-hearted comedys. 'Big Fat Wedding' which features the likes of Robert DeNiro, Diane Keaton, Susan Sarandon, Katherine Heigl and Topher Grace(also known as the kid from 'that 70's show').  And 'Admission' with Tina Fey and Paul Rudd. We figured from the previews that they would be pretty safe bets.We were wrong.
Spoilers hereafter:
In 'Big Fat Wedding' Katherine Heigl's character is dealing with infertility and her marriage has fallen apart from the stress. 'Fours years of treatments and humiliation' The second those words popped out of her mouth, my husband stands up and goes 'Why the hell did we rent this?!" I just sat there my mouth kinda hanging open, squirming a little with the uncomfortableness. 'I didn't know that was in here, we wouldn't have got it. It wasn't in the previews.' Yeah so much for a light hearted comedy. It all turns out okay for Katherine Heigl's character she winds up pregnant, apparently by accident, (lets not even go into that!) and gets back together with her estranged husband. Might I add that it seems like more of a slap in the face since she also played in 'Knocked up'.
So we moved onto our second feature of the night. 'Admission'. We expected something even lighter here, maybe even a little bit of stupid funny. Uh Uh. Not what we got. Tina Fey's character gave away a child for adoption when she was young, Paul Rudd's is trying to get the kid and her together. Great, just great. Peachy. Not what we were looking forward to. There's a few heartwrenching parts where the kid talks about how lonely adoption is. I don't want to hear that.  My husband just shook his head when we realized what we were getting into, "Boy, we sure can pick them tonight."
It's amazing the level at which infertility affects us. We can't even have a movie night without being on guard.
Today the Urologist finally called us back, it's been almost a week! He suggested two options: wait 3 more months and repeat the Semen Analysis yet again or do a testicular biopsy. We're understandably not too fond of the second option, I mean what man jumps up and down at the prospect of having his man parts cut open and inspected. He hasn't decided yet which way to go. But I'm leaning towards repeating the Semen Analysis and if there is still no positive change, then maybe we'll do the biopsy. I want answers, but I don't want him to suffer any more than absolutely necessary. Anyways that's we're we are at, at the moment.
Oh, one more thing my niece turned one today. Happy Birthday to her.

In Design Overdrive

Wow I've been a busy busy little bee of late. Everyday I've been working on designs to put in our zazzle store. I've come up with some good ones, I think. Thought I might share some of them with you. All of these designs are for t-shirts and the like.

Looking Forward

I've decided to not let our current setback rule my life and wreck my plans. I've looked at the wall plaque my mother bought me about a hundred times since I hung it up. Everything is going to be alright. My husband loved it. He said it was just what he needed. I think its what we both need, that assurance that no matter what everything is going to be alright. No matter how things end up, how our story ends, we will be alright, because we have each other and people who love and care about us.
I know that whether we pursue IVF or adoption we are going to have to do some fundraising to reach our dream. We make enough money to take care of ourselves and a future little one but that kind of money isn't just lying around. We're looking at anywhere from $10,000 to $30,000 either way. Since we aren't exactly open about our infertility struggles fundraising could be more than a little difficult. And I don't feel comfortable about just asking for money.
With that in mind I'm starting a Zazzle store as our first line of fundraising defense. I can remain anonymous for the time being, which is what my husband and I both need for the time being. When our plan of action becomes a little more solidified in November, then maybe we'll open up about our troubles. It'll be almost 2 years at that point since we started out.
My other fundraising plans for the future will probably include a special fairy calendar and a fairy story book. There's also a froyo shop in our small home town that hosts fundraisers and gives 20% of the proceeds to your cause. I'm keeping that in mind as well.
I'm self-employed and I keep thinking if I could find another job that just paid $20k a year, that I could save every penny and have what we need in a year. So I'm looking into that as well. I've already got applications out at a local library and for a pharmacy tech training position.
If you have some other fundraising ideas you'd like to share or resources that might help, please let me know.
Regardless we're in this for the long haul. I have to do something to keep my eyes trained ahead because if I linger too long in this moment, I'm going to drown.
Also something that could be fundraising related but doesn't have to be, is I keep thinking I'd like to write a book about Infertility. One thing all of the women I've talked to can agree upon is how much harder the secrecy surrounding infertility makes the journey for those going through it. I'm still mulling it over in my head, but I think a readily available book could help wash away some of that secrecy. Usually I write fiction, but I think with some help I could make the jump. I'll talk more about it later, once I get a working outline figured out in my head.
So if you're interested in my Zazzle store, its www.zazzle.com/fairyblessings* . Fairy Blessings will be full of fairy artwork, t-shirts, and other products as well as inspirational images and quotes. All of the artwork and photographs will have been done by me or my mother (who by the way is an amazing artist). I'll slowly be building up a product base, so bear with me if it's a little empty at first. We'll get there. And if this sort of thing appeals to you, sign up for our product updates so you can find out when we get new stuff out there.

On my wall...

Thanks, Mom

Hopes Dashed

Three days ago I was the most hopeful I have been in what feels like a very long time. Throughout our journey my husband and I have been agreed that IVF (invitro fertilization) was not going to be an option for us. While it is a relief to know what is and is not possible, taking that option off the table made it harder to have hope.
With our first semen analysis we were told that it would be nigh on impossible to get pregnant on our own, and that most likely not only would we need IVF but we would need a very special kind of IVF with something called ICSI or Intra cytoplasmic sperm injection. The simplified version of an IVF cycle is that a woman's eggs are harvested and a man's sperm is collected. The two are then placed together in a petri dish. Just like in a woman's body the strongest swimmers make it to the egg and hopefully fertilize it. The fertilized embryo is than transferred back into the uterus where it will hopefully implant. ICSI is used when there aren't very many sperm or the sperm that are available are not of high quality. In this scenerio the doctor handpicks the best looking sperm of the bunch and injects it directly into the egg, thereby doing all the work for it. The rest of the process is very similar.
Knowing that IVF was off the table for us meant that not only were our options limited but so was our best hope at achieving a biological child. We knew that we had to have a better semen analysis the next go so that maybe an IUI would become an option. IUI is intrauterine insemination also know as artificial insemination. 10 million is usually a low goal for IUI. We had 175,000. It was a long way to go. We could feel that wall looming in front of us. Where our options would go from few to one, adoption.
The main reason IVF was off the table to begin with was a combination of two things, cost and risk. I'd read that one IVF cycle could cost upwards of $30,000. The chance of it being sucessful is pretty close to 50%. Domestic infant adoption can also cost around the same amount, and though the child would not be biological ours and it would most likely take a few years instead of 9 months before I could ever hold our baby, it was a sure thing. At the end of the day we would have our child. I get buyer's remorse if a pair of $30 shoes don't work out, $30,000 out the window wasn't something either one of us could live with.
Three days ago while searching for IVF with ICSI clincal trials in my area I found a clinic within a few hours drive that offered an IVF guarentee program. I was intrigued and immediately clicked on the link. About $27,000 for IVF with ICSI, 3 fresh tries and all the frozen we would have leftover. Not only did the guarantee apply towards getting pregnant but to a live take home birth. Which meant that if  it failed and we never did get that take home baby we would get 100% of our money back. We could then pursue domestic adoption having known we tried every possible scenario. My husband and I were estatic. I started trying to figure out ways we could raise that kind of money. Suddenly the whole realm of hope was at our feet. We no longer had a looming approaching end date for treatments. We honestly couldn't have been happier with this new possibility.
Today we got his second Semen Analysis results and everything came crumbling down. We hoped for improvement. We were prepared for it to stay the same. We were not prepared at all for the news received. There were no live sperm. Not only that there were only 2 dead sperm. For all intents and purposes he was sterile. The hope we had so carefully cultivated and kept alive for the last 4 months and the last 3 days was destroyed. Utterly and entirely. We are saturated in sadness, anger, and frustration. There can be no IVF even with ICSI without sperm.
We're lost, set adrift. I do not know how we are going to make it through the next three months and our third and possibly final SA. If there is no improvement once again, if he is still sterile, we will put fertility treatments in the rearview and embrace adoption. But first we have to get there. Last time we had a little bit of hope that maybe we would see vast improvement from treating the diabetes and that maybe we could even see a natural pregnancy. It feels like that hope has been stolen from us. I don't know how to face the next three months of 'if' and waiting without that little piece of hope stringing us along.