It's Been Rough

I won't lie. This past week has been one of the tougher ones in my history. The only time I can remember crying this hard or being on the verge of crying this consistently I was in elementary school and my best friend had just died unexpectedly from a brain aneurysm. I find myself being a hermit because I loathe crying in front of people and just about anything can set me off.

I skipped out on my niece's second birthday party and feel horribly guilty for it but it was two days after my negative beta. I did what was best for me. If I had gone one or all of several things could have happened...

• a. someone would ask me when we're having kids  
• b. someone would give me that puppy dog look because they know about our failed cycle 
•  c. someone would comment about how my niece 'looks exactly like' me 
• d. someone ie (my brother most likely) would have said something stupid and I would have gotten violent very quickly and finally
• e. I would not have been able to show affection to my niece like she expects which would have upset her and in turn everyone else including me.

I know I'm a ticking emotional timebomb and I have no desire to explode in front of anyone or to take anyone out with me when I go. All of the above scenarios would have resulted in a lot of ugly crying, a panic attack for being seen crying, and alot of explanation on the part of others for my behavior. No thank you. I did however send gifts.  My brother in his amazingly clueless manner got vaguely upset because he thought it would be better for me to be around my family during this time. Uh no. If he can't see why that's a bad idea then he doesn't understand the nature of the beast. I can barely step inside of town without having to blink back tears because everywhere there's babies and pregnant women and overheard conversations about babies, pregnant women, and adoption. Just going into Joann's for fabric was hard because I saw all the cute fuzzy fabric and yarn that I was just dying to make baby blankets with.
I can't say that my negative beta blindsided me. I was and still am well aware of the stats. At best its a coin toss. I am blindsided by my emotional reaction.
One of the things that is particularly hard to resolve is the damage that I did to my foot while working in order to pay for this cycle. It has been a month and a half since I left work and still not a day goes by without some level of pain. I am frustrated beyond words that before I took the jobs to pay for IVF that my foot was the best it had ever been in my life. No pain, no limping, increased movement etc. And now it is the worst it has ever been consistently. I could have handled this sacrifice if the payout had been there. But now its hard to think of all that I have lost for the sake of that one cycle. I hurt myself perhaps permanently for nothing, I spent more money on that one cycle than anything else in my life save our house.
I keep feeling like I am being pressured to move on and make a decision both from without and within. I know how I feel now that I don't want to do another cycle especially not a full blown one. At our clinic that would cost meds and all somewhere in the $25k range. That is almost a third of our remaining mortgage. That is almost four times the cost of my car or two times the cost of my husband's. I know if it were to work it would be worth it. I also know that if it didn't work I would become such an angry bitter resentful old biddy the world would not be able to handle me. I don't even know if I could handle me. And it would take a minimum of 6 months to get there financially and that's a cutting so far back you're on a bread and water type diet. I spent the last 9 months living exclusively for this chance. I don't know if I can handle living another 7 or so just for it to fail again.
On the flip side we've a couple friend, actually our bestman and his wife, who are adopting. Their profile went live recently and they will have spent about $18k when all is said and done. We have almost 13k in the bank from the car accident and there's a chance that we could actually spend less than what they are.
Both arguments are compelling and I'm having a hard time sorting through them. I'm thinking of going to a counseling session just to have an unbiased opinion.
At the moment I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

Lost

Yesterday was beta day. I was ridiculously excited and afraid at the same time. When we stopped for breakfast after what had to have been the most painless easiest blood draw ever I had to restrain myself from buying little baby booties to surprise my husband with. I walked out empty handed on the grounds of I didn't want to jinx it.
The day seemed to go on forever. Hours passed and no phone call. When it finally did ring at 3:00 pm almost 8 hours after the draw, I hesitated. On this side of the phone call I was PUPO, on the other who knew. I took a deep breath closed my eyes and pushed the button. "Hello?" I know my voice wavered a little. I shut my eyes at the very perfunctionary tone at the other end as my stomach sank. My nurse Candy told me that my HCG came back negative. Inside I shattered. She went on her spiel about stopping my medications and asked if I wanted to speak with Dr. Scotchie since Dr. Murray wasn't in. I took another deep breath and tried to marshall my control. "What's the point?" I failed miserably and my voice shook and cracked. In my head I'm going really what is the point what is she going to say to make this better. Candy was silent for a moment before starting back in 'well lets go ahead and set up an appointment to talk to Dr. Murray.'  "I'd like to talk to my husband first," I choked out. Candy apologised and said she'd see me next week. I thanked her for calling, which is so wrong to thank someone for shattering your dreams with a simple sentence. As soon as the phone was off I slumped over my desk, burrowed into the crook of my arms, and started to sob. My mom who had fallen asleep on the couch after our early morning drive woke up and came in. I pulled myself together and stood up, stomping down and locking up the pain for later examination. She tried to pull me in a hug and I growled out, "No." She looked hurt by my refusal but I know that the fragile walls I had just put up would collapse in her arms and I would let out the very ugly cry that would hurt her to see. Instead I put on my shoes and invited her on a brisk walk. Any activity to keep the hurt at bay. When the pain in my legs began to fight the pain in my chest for recognition I turned back. I got inside the house a minute or two ahead of her and closed the door. Knowing she wouldn't see, I slammed my palm into the side of the refrigerator so hard that all the magnets fell off and clattered to the floor. I hide on the other side of the frig and flexed my hand making sure I hadn't broken anything because I'd used way more force than I had intended to. A few minutes later and I finally convinced her I was fine and she should leave. I waited til her car drove past the house and then let the walls down. I lay in the middle of the floor and cried so hard I couldn't breath. I don't know how long it took to get the worst of it out but then I got up and systematically removed all signs of our failed cycle from the house. It hurt the most to remove little acorn's picture from the fridge and drop it into the box with all the rest of the unused meds and needles. I crawled into bed and turned on a video game. Something mindless. DH come home an hour or two later. The excitement as he came through the door cut me like a knife. I just shook my head because the words were too much to say.
We hugged then went out for ice cream. We talked alot in the car. When we got back we both crawled back into bed even though it was barely 7 o'clock and went to sleep.
I'm so glad that I didn't buy those stupid little red booties. There is no doubt in my mind that they would be flung out into the middle of the woods right about now.
We took this major gamble the biggest one of my life, and we lost. I don't know what to do now.

Furbaby

I feel like a bad furmomma. I really do. I've been so caught up in this whole IVF process that I didn't even notice Claire was having an issue shedding her claws. On Friday afternoon I noticed she'd licked the fur off of two of her toes. I went to investigate and discovered that her poor little toe pad was being pierced through by one of her claws. I examined it for a good few minutes and determined that I couldn't fix the issue myself without hurting her. And of course it's a weekend so I have to wait a few days and stew in my guilt. On Sunday I looked at the rest of her feet and discovered another claw that was very very close to piercing its toe pad and a tiny itty bitty baby claw that looks like she'd pulled out almost at the root, which had to have hurt so badly. I feel really guilty.
So Monday we took her to a new vet. She did remarkably well with them. Never hissed, never blew, never growled, never even meowed or struggled. She just kept an eye on me the whole time. Poor baby bled like a stuck pig when they removed the offending claw. Her poor little foot pad. She shook the first bandage they put on her off in about 5 seconds. Flew all the way across the room. They put the second one on nice and tight but told me I could take it off that night. They surprisingly didn't fuss too much at me for her being overweight, a whopping 15.6lbs!, but did suggest I put her on a diet. Uh she's been on a diet for well over 6 months now.
I think she had a worse time of it in the car though. She just lay on my lap leaned up against my chest and panted. I turned the air up on high just in case my body heat was making her uncomfortable. She was very happy to get home til she realized she couldn't shake her pink bandage and then she hid.I tried to help her take the bandage off before bed time and she got irritable with me, so I finally cut it the rest of the way off and let her get the super sticky part free.  She got sick a couple times during the night which makes me wonder if I should continue dosing her with her antibiotics. I think maybe she just didn't eat enough yesterday cause there's still plenty left in the bowl.
Sometime during the night she decided she wasn't still mad at me and crawled up on my leg to sleep. Good. I hate it when she's mad at me.
Oh at the store I had to pick up some special litter for her til her foot pad heals and without thinking I bent over and picked up this huge bag. I guess it was probably a 30 lb bag. I didn't think anything of it til I turned and saw my mother's horrified expression. Oh shit. I quickly handed it off to her. Really really hoping that I didn't screw something up.

On the hunt

for symptoms that is!
I can't help it. Today I'm 5dp5dt and I'm already micro examining every twinge and persnickety element of my body. Even though every rational cell in my body is screaming that a. it's way too early for symptoms or b. any symptoms I do have are far more likely to be caused from the progesterone supplementation than anything else.
I keep thinking that if little acorn is still in there it has officially spent as much time, actually a little more at this point, in my body as it did in a dish. That makes me feel good. So here's the breakdown of my 'symptoms'...

Today:

• I am snacky all the time, not hungry just snacky. And when I say all the time I really mean about 2 hours after a meal instead of my usual 4-5. 
• At about 4:30pm I experienced a small bout of nausea. Nothing major just enough that I thought it wise to sit up and breath deeply for a few seconds. It passed within minutes. 
• I started to tear up watching Shark Week's Shark Fight show, even though I saw the same episode last year.
• I feel sleepy most of the day
• The heat gets to me even quicker than normal.
• I woke up at 4:30am and couldn't go back to sleep. Shortly after I rolled over in an attempt to refind my comfort zone and scrubbed my boob on the mattress through my bra and sleep shirt, it still hurt.

Yesterday

• At about 3pm ish we went to our local marina to eat at their dock restaurant. Excellent burgers and you get to fed the fish and geese. I spent the entire time feeling off, not quite nauseous, but more like my equiblibrium was off. Since the entire restaurant is on a floating dock that might not be too weird except never in my life has that bothered me and I've spent a fair amount of time on boats and docks.
• The heat oh the heat I feel like I could swoon.
• Earlier that day at walmart grocery shopping I felt off again. This time like a panic attack was circling even though I didn't feel particularly anxious. 

Friday

• Sleepy all day but maybe that was just boredom. 
• A small case of the shakes when I forgot to eat lunch.
• There was a moment when the icing for my cake wasn't working and I had just discovered that my stove's bake element is broken that I felt out of control anger. I threw out the icing and then sulked in bed til I got a grip on it.

Previously in the week/Continuous

• Discovered that I can no longer wait to eat upon waking. Usually I piddle around for a couple of hours and eat when I'm good and ready no consequences. Not now. 30 minutes after I get up I'm shaking and need to eat.
• Gassy, Bloated, and Constipated. OH freaking Joy.
• The occosional random twinge in my lower stomach area. 
• I feel like I can smell everything.

So I know that most of this is just hyper attentiveness to my body and the things that aren't are just side effects from the supplemental hormones but if I'm going to obsess about them in my head might as well put them down on paper too.

I also secretly tried to sniff out if maybe just maybe DH might cave and let me take an hpt early just to see but uh-uh he's not having any of it.
Normally at this point in my cycle I would be spotting about now, and thankfully I haven't had any of that. Again I know that I probably wouldn't given that's kinda part of what the progesterone is for but it does make me feel a little better.

4 days until Beta day and we find out if little acorn has stuck around for us.

Transfer Day!

It's transfer day! Today I am reunited with my little acorn.
I woke up at 4:30am this morning and even though it was almost 30 minutes before the alarm clock would go off I couldn't stand to stay in bed for even one more minute. So up and at 'em. I took a shower, got dressed, cut up a cantaloupe for breakfast, and started the very uncomfortable, at least for me, process of filling my bladder. We left the house a little after 5:00.
The long drive to Chattanooga is luckily absolutely gorgeous in the mornings. We have to cross monteagle mountain which is small compared to the mountains out west but large in this area. In the mornings the sun rises in the direction we are traveling and low lying fog clouds carress the valleys and shadows left behind. Some mornings it looks like fluffy pink crowns haloing the green mattress of the mountains. Others it looks like at any moment you will cross through this dense wall of white and come out on a magical land on the other side. Of course the other side is never too magical just more interstate and beautiful tennessee countryside. Further on down the line if we get an early enough start we cross the river with its floating green islands, fog steaming off the surface and glistening streaks of brilliant white, orange, and pink cascading in brilliant water color. It is a beautiful trip.
This morning however I was so concentrated on my overly full bladder and the excitement building that I probably didn't notice too much of the beauty around me. I guess since I got a slightly earlier start I was a little too full by the time we reached the clinic. I paced in little circles trying desperately to hold my bladder, oh my. But thankfully they got me back rather quickly cause it was becoming an iffy situation. Shane explained that our acorn was now a grade 1 morula and looked great, just about a half a day behind which should be nothing to worry about and then handed me a picture, that I barely had time to look at. With my husband by my side they took me back in the room. Which immediately tried to set up nerves since it was the same room from my ER. I talked myself down quickly in my head. This would not hurt. Shane called my name and birthdate out from the window as she brought our little acorn out and confirmed that we were transferring one beautiful embryo. There was a lot of pressure on that poor bladder between the ultrasound on my stomach and the speculum. And then there was a little bit of an issue with the catheter. Apparently Dr. Murray said that it actually looked like my bladder was alittle too full and causing everything to kinda bend. So he had to put  just a tiny crook in the end to get our little acorn into position. He set off on this odd little speech about the little engine that could and how this was the little embryo that could. He called it robust. Afterwards I raced to the bathroom for a little relief, got dressed, and after a short instructional briefing headed back home.
I keep staring at the little picture they gave us of our acorn. My fingertips gently grazing the shiny surface. It doesn't look like much more than a little bubble. But at the same time I know that potentially this could be the very first photo of my child. That little bubble could grow and grow and one day look up at me with big glassy eyes and a gummy smile.

We are over the moon excited at this point. I am officially PUPO and plan to enjoy every second of this momentous time that I can. I am sending tons of loving sticky vibes at my little acorn, envisioning myself as a fertile earth where the little acorn can be planted and grow to its full potential.
In 9 days I go back for my beta. 9 days seems like forever and no time all at once. DH and I decided together that we'll be going beta or bust, so we'll see if I can keep myself away from the pee sticks come next week.
Its apparently also been decided amongst my family that I should do nothing for the entirety of this time and beyond if we're successful. The way everyone talks I'm a little afraid they're going to wind up locking me in a padded room for 9 months, even my father who is normally very 'you can do everything I can do and should' not too mention excruciatingly anti-lazy.

Monday Phone Call

I am relieved that our embryologist did in fact decide to peek on our little acorn this morning. These early morning phone calls have kept me going, kept the hope alive that this is all going to work out. Our clinic changes grading criteria today. Previously they had been looking at growth, symmetry, fragmentation, and cell size. Our little acorn has held on strong at the number 1 grade in these areas. But today they throw those criteria out the window and start looking at how compact the embryo is becoming. I am imagining it in my head like a flower bloom. You want it to open up at first and then close back in. Or like a supernova sci-fi explosion. Bam out into the world and then suck back into place. In this area of grading our acorn has fallen to 4. If they were still grading it the other way Shane said it would still be a 1 as it is now 14 cells and still has absolutely no fragmentation. She expects acorn to be a late stage morula or an early stage blastocyst by transfer. So while I'm disappointed acorn is now graded as a 4 I'm still very happy about the fragmentation part and the fact that it is still growing, still dividing away.
My transfer is bright and early tomorrow morning at 8:00 chattanooga time. I am thrilled to announce that my darling husband has decided to use a little more of his comp time from work so that he can be there for the occasion. I am thrilled. It slightly bothered me to the think that at the moment I technically become pregnant with his child that he would be 4 hours away. I have taught him the slang term PUPO and he is now using it at random to show his excitement.
We have talked about how weird this experience has been so far, how polarising. It is hard to explain the immense levels of excitement we feel that are shadowed so completely on the other end by this crushing fear.
I feel like I'm walking a tightrope. One side is hope and excitement and the other fear and sadness. If I lean too far one way or the other I cannot help but feel that I am doomed. So I'm walking this very thin line borrowing a little bit of each in my hands to keep balanced.

Sunday Phone Call

Last night I saw the most beautiful amazing thing. We were driving home from the mexican restuarant, not my finest decision but we'll get to that, and all of a sudden the sky started to lighten. I leaned forward to look up and out the windshield half expecting to see like a helicopter or something. Instead I saw a large globule of light plunging across the sky. As it reached the zenith it turned brilliant green and then poof. Exploded into hundreds of thousands of tiny white embers. I stared awestruck. I don't know what it was. I want to think that it was a beautiful shooting star and a wonderful omen. I know rationally that it could just as well have been a stray firework or flare gun or space debris. There's really no telling for sure but it was beautiful.
TMI Alert : So odd to start my night off with something so spectacular considering how the rest of it went. At around 10:30 while I sitting in bed waiting the prescribed hour between my estrace and endometrium pills I started to cramp. Sharp mean cramps. They would fade in and then fade out leaving me breathless at first with their intentisty and then 15 minutes later come back around. I immediately went to the bad scenerio of it might be the medications. But then again everytime we eat mexican I have to use the bathroom. In fact in previous years after mexican was the only time I got a good bowel movement. That's changed recently but I digress. I assumed that maybe that was a cause and here in a few minutes I'd be sent charging to the bathroom to empty myself. That never happened. What happened instead was from 10:30pm to 5:30 am I had cramps off and on every 15 minutes of the night. I was able to use the bathroom a couple of times but it was a strain and not the usual mass exodus. This morning I am still kinda sore from all the repeated interior clenching. I plan on going to the store and getting some fiber rich foods since I was warned that the endometrium and estrace could cause severe constipation. Maybe I'll even get some metamuciel like the old folks do. 
All of that however made my 8:00 phone call come really early. Shane our embryologist called with our acorn's daily report. Still a grade 1, our little embryo has grown from 4 cells to 7. At this point they like to see it be an 8 cell. So even though our beautiful embryo is a grade 1 with perfect symmetry and no fragmentation that little difference is enough to make me worry. I know right now I shouldn't worry there's really no reason to but its so hard not to. Shane has decided to peek in on our acorn tomorrow and see how its doing since we are coming from so far away. That in and of itself also worries me. Is she afraid that our embryo will arrest between today and Tuesday and that we'll come down there bright and early only to discover there will be no transfer? See what happens always going to the dark place. That's what IF does to you I guess.

Saturday Phone Call

I rolled over and looked at the clock this morning it was 8:30. Almost an hour late. I couldn't help but for my mind to immediately go to why haven't they called yet? Is something wrong? Did our acorn arrest? And as I'm laying in bed trying desperately to keep the dark thoughts from spiraling out of control as they seem so wont to do anymore, the phone rings. At 8:45. I think I let it ring once before I picked up, just long enough to check the caller id and know it was the clinic. On the other line was Shane our embryologist. I tried to pick apart her greeting and her tone in seconds and failed.
She continued on in her pleasant even tone and told me again of the grading system they have in place and what should be expected at this point in an embryo's development. I'm practically holding my breath. Then she tells me that our little acorn is a grade 1 4 cell. Grade 1 is their highest grade. She tells me that its right where it should be and looks pretty well perfect. Yes she uses the word perfect. I can't help but be overjoyed at this point. Grade 1 embryos statistically almost always make it the blastocyst stage. Which are so many more times more likely to implant than one who does not make it to that stage. Right now I'm trying to curb my excitement but for the moment I am just overjoyed to have gotten this far and that it looks like we'll definitely have a transfer. Which just blows my mind! Maybe maybe it really only does take one.
Today I also started my vaginal suppositories, bleck. I have to take 2mg of Estrace twice a day and 3 tablets of endometrin over the course of a day. If our little acorn is the one, if thats our little one growing down there in Chattanooga every second of this journey will have been worth it.

Friday Phone Call

At 7:45 this morning our embryologist called to let us know that our little acorn has definitely fertilized and is happily growing.
After a crap night where I battled nausea and stomach pain for most of the night the news couldn't have been better. For a brief moment I was estatic and completely forgot about the discomfort I was in. She also told me that tomorrow's call will bring our little acorn's grade and with that a hint at it's long term viability. I am hoping so much for a good grade, a little reassaurance that it will make it to transfer.
It is almost surreal to me to know that there is alittle piece of me and Phil growing slightly alive in a dish several counties away. A little bitty proof of our love in the world.
Today I am still dealing with some stomach pain, nausea, and am terribly gassy. The last of which is actually a little painful. My mom came out to spend the day with me, we had ice cream and played cards and tried to remain chipper and upbeat in all things.

Last night I started my z-pack of antibiotics and this morning I started my methylprednisolone and baby aspirin.  

Egg Retrival Day

I spent last night at my Sara Barielles concert, which I might say was amazing. A few songs in she played 'Hercules' which as you know has kinda been my anthem for the past several months. She took a moment to tell the crowd where the song came from and why she wrote it. Basically she was having a crap year. I can relate. Then she dedicated the song to all the people at there struggling with something and just before she started singing said 'Have hope it will get better'. Even though I was in a crowded outdoor ampitheatre it felt like she could have been talking straight to me and I teared up through the whole song. That lady is simply amazing.
We got home a little after midnight, I jumped in the shower and then to bed. 4:45 comes early. We woke up hurried to get ready and in the car to make it to our 8:15 appt. At 7:15 their time, that's 6:15 mine, I took my prescribed valium and 1/2 percoset. By the time they called me in the back I thought I was feeling pretty good. Mostly calm and teeny tiny bit drowsy but hey that could be the 3 and a half hours sleep talking. I changed into my gown, little booties, and shower cap and waited for them to take me back. It took a few minutes during which the embryologist came out and introduced herself which I thought was really nice. Finally it was time. The second I walked into the big scary room both the drowsy and the calm evaporated. Suddenly I was very nervous. I got settled and stared up at the big white light above me trying desperately not to see the what I kid you not looks like a 3 foot needle. Dr. Scotchie did my procedure and she explained to me everything she was doing as she was doing it but I could not tell you what any of it was because shortly after she started there was just too much pain. So so much pain. I struggled to keep my body from jerking away from her as huge wet tears flooded out. She started on my right side which surprised me because that was where the no longer growing follicle was. By the time she finished aspirating that follicle and somewhere above the pain I heard no egg, I could barely contain the sobs. So she gave me a little break. Just a tiny little one long enough to get my breathing back undercontrol. And then we were at it again. I reached down to my hips and grabbed the table on both sides just as hard as I could. Trying to keep still, trying to focus on something other than the pain. At some point one of the other nurses came in I think to hold my hand but I had a deathgrip on the table and wasn't letting go. Instead I vaguely felt her softly stroking my shoulder and somewhere beyond all the pain I think the Dr. was gently rubbing the inside of my thigh. Light soft touches as she tried to coax me to breath. And then it was over.
They handed me a tissue and asked if I could sit up which aside from my legs almost wanting to tremble off the bed I had no problem with. That's when I found out they had only gotten one egg. I don't know what happened to that other follicle on my left side, but apparently it didn't stick around.
I walked out of the surgery room, the nice nurse that I really like gave me a hug and directed me to the bathroom. There was a little bit of very bright blood on the tissue but thankfully it didn't hurt to go. I changed into my street clothes, a pair of oversized grey yoga pants and my Sara Barielles shirt I'd gotten the night before that reads 'I wanna see you be Brave'. The embryologist came back out and confirmed they had only gotten one egg but that it looked really good, and then she sat down to give me my new sheet of instructions.
I walked out of the clinic and to the car. Where I curled up in the backseat and waited for DH to finish his contribution. Yes, without anethesia they really do let you leave that quickly. For the next hour or so the tears would come and go as they pleased along with all over tremors even though I wasn't cold at all. Nauseousness settled in a little after and the pill they gave me for that appears to be some sort of joke.
At 2 o'clock they called to let us know how things were going. DH answered the phone since I was curled up in bed, pretending to sleep. When they received his sample none of the little swimmers were moving, but after washing them 75% came back around and started swimming. Of course a very large portion of those were abnormal. They told him they were able to find four good ones. Why did they tell him that? I don't really know. After all we only needed one. They let him know that our one egg had undergone ICSI and for all intents and purposes appeared to have taken. I was overjoyed that our little egg was officially something more, and I have dubbed it our little acorn.
From tiny tiny acorns mighty oaks grow.

They tell us that they'll call every day except for Monday to let us know how our little acorn is doing. I dislike that they plan on pushing it to a day 5 transfer. I would think since we already know we can only put back in one that there's no point in waiting, but...apparently the dr. thinks otherwise.

So I'll be waiting with baited breath for that phone call, knowing that all our hopes rest on that little acorn and how strong of a fighter it truly is. 

Trigger Happy

Last night at 8:47 exactly I adminstered my trigger shot. It would have been 8:45 but I was having issues yet again with super strong belly skin. Last time I was able to move it just a little to the side and viola! This time uhuh I moved it three seperate times and finally gave up and forced it in at the spot of least resistance. Which might be the reason why my stomach feels like crap this morning. Oh jeez the soreness. I can't bend over or sit down without a very real reminder of that shot. I think this hurts worse than the shot itself. And lets not even talk about when one of my furries decided to walk across my belly this morning. Kitty was almost launched into a wall. It did feel nice when she returned and sat just under the shot area. Like a personal vibrating heating pad.
As per the clinic's request I took a pregnancy test this morning to confirm that the trigger is in my system.

There she is folks! My first ever positive pregnancy test. Pity, its a falsie. I must say I expected it to be a darker line. But if there's one thing I've learned from TB its 'a line is a line' unless its an ovulation test, then a line is only a line if its a dark line. 

Tonight I get to go to my concert. *squee* super excited about that. I'm thinking that due to stomach soreness I'm probably going to wear a dress and let DH do just about everything for me shy of actually walking to our location. After we get there I'm going to plop down on a blanket and just enjoy some beautiful music under the stars.

Tomorrow will be here bright and early with egg retrival.

Monitoring Appointment Round 3

Yesterday was our third and it looks like final monitoring appointment.
My two lead follicles have grown to a 20mm and an 18mm. I was a little saddened to learn that the third follicle decided that it didn't want to join the party and stopped growing. Boo third follicle! I really wanted at least three eggs to work with. Two seems so little. Not that three is much better but...
At least I did receive a little good news on the front that my lining has significantly plumped up to an 8. I left the clinic feeling a little bummed and sadly bloated.
Once home I crawled into bed and took a nap. These early morning roadtrips to Chattanooga are killer. In order to get there for my 8:30 appointments I have to leave the house around 5:30 my time to make up for the time difference. We're literally there for maybe thirty minutes most days and then its back on the road. I spend six times the amount of time in the car traveling each day as I do actually in the clinic.
My mom and I completed the Cracker Barrell trifecta yesterday as well. We have officially eaten at every Cracker Barrell between Chattanooga and home during all this. That's 4 different Cracker Barrells. But I've by far eaten at the one just down the road from the clinic the most.
I'm finding it harder and harder to remain positive as time trickles away. I had really hoped to get around 5 eggs during all this. But that just hasn't happened. I know in reality it only takes one good egg and one good sperm but still. I wound up talking to my mom about how things would have to change a little if this doesn't work. The big thing being that people have to stop telling me how much my niece looks like me. And how my grandma needs to stop trying to recreate my childhood pictures with my brother's kid. Come on recreate his childhood pictures, its his kid! Stop reminding me constantly of something I may never have. It can be so difficult to visit when everything is about my niece, every second of every conversation is just too much.
So perhaps because I was feeling bummed and bloated I chilled at home for the rest of the day instead of cleaning anymore. I spent $40 buying classic mario games for the wii, like Dr. Mario, Super Mario Brothers 3, Super Mario World, and Super Mario Cart. What brought on this sudden old school video game binge? The happiest I have been in the past two weeks has been the days DH and I have sat down and played Mario Cart 64 together. I guess I wanna snag as much of that happy time as possible.
Last night was my last night of stimming. Tonight is my trigger shot. Which means egg retrival will be on Thursday morning. One great thing about that is I can still go to my concert, my planned treat to make up for everything I've endured the past six months. Something just for me.
With egg retrival on Thursday that means a transfer would most likely be on either Sunday or Tuesday. I'm rooting for Sunday since that means DH could actually be there the moment I become pregnant. It seems odd to think that at the moment we get pregnant he could be 4 hours away and that's without a time difference.

Monitoring Round 2

At my second monitoring appointment DH got to go with me, which is great because I think some of the people at the clinic were beginning to think my mother was my partner. Egh. So weird. It's obvious that we're mother, daughter but still I had a few comments of 'your husband....or your partner?' Whatever.
I still had three follicles but two have started to stand out. One at 18mm and the other at 16mm. My lining had only thickened up by about a single mm. The doctor said I could probably trigger that day and the eggs would be ready but he'd like to give my lining a little more time and maybe just maybe that third follicle would get big enough in the meantime as well. It's almost unbelievable to me that we're already talking trigger!
So the doctor decided to keep me on 150 iu of menopur for one more night and then downshift to 75 the next. I go back for my third monitoring appointment on Monday and I honestly wouldn't be surprised at all if he told me to trigger then. Which feels crazy soon but honestly would put my ER day almost exactly where I thought it would...smack dab ontop of my concert. Boo. I was hoping for a day or two after originally. We'll see I guess.
My second round of injections went great. So much easier the second time around even though my menopur site kinda didn't want to stop bleeding for a few minutes.

I am woman hear me Roar!

Tonight I started my injections.
I was super nervous, my hands were shaking, my blood was pounding in my ears. I had to mix two vials of menopur to get the dose that the Re wants for me. There was an issue with an air bubble the first time, a massive air bubble. I finally had to squirt it back out into the vial and redraw it and then it went fine. An injection of menopur and one of Ganerilex later and it kinda sorta looks like a snake bit me on the lower left side of my tummy. Even with icing the spot and massaging a little the menopur continued to sting for a little while. It reminded me slightly of a wasp sting how they continue to sting and burn the effect coming and going for a few hours.
So at any rate I did it, whoot whoot. And I didn't need help from DH or anybody else to do it aside from the amazing encouragement from my girls, my online girls that is. I wanted to shout this little sucess to the rooftops and then felt slightly sad that I didn't have anyone close enough to our situation to tell other than my mother. Sometimes I feel like a loser that my closest friend is my mother.
After the shots, DH and I went to go see Hercules. It was okay but for me Kevin Sorbo is THE Hercules. Nobody else comes close. After the movie we went to a local italian place for the first time...we will not be going back. It was kinda a joke of a place as far as food quality/selection compared to price. So now I'm back home getting ready for bed and my RE appointment in the morning.
I've been thinking of sharing this song for a while it so perfectly describes me right now and I think tonight is the perfect night. I'm supposed to be going to see this wonderful lady on wednesday night for my first concert in so long I can't even remember the last one. How much you wanna bet Wednesday is ER day and I miss it?

Monitoring Appt 1

Yesterday was Cycle Day 7, 3 doses of letrozole down.
I arrived at the clinic at 8:30am and was slightly surprised to see how busy it was. Usually I'm about the only person there but this time the waiting room was full. I can't help but feel a tiny bit out of place as I look around the room. Most the woman there look to be in their late thirties to mid-forties. I feel like a kid. : /  It's probably all in my head but it seems like they all swivel when I walk in the room. Like they don't think I should be there. Which is a stupid way to feel, but there it is I guess. There was a lady in a scrub set with very short severe cut. Another lady that looked mildly dressed up also with a short cut, big hoop earrings, and nice voice. And a couple who looked so much alike in appearance but so different in age that I almost would have thought she was his mother if we were in a different doctor's office. As I was waiting another woman pulled up in a teeny tiny mini skirt and sky high heels, holding her sneakers in one hand, she looked maybe a little younger than my mom. I can't help but wonder what her story is. This is what I do by the way. I do it everywhere I go. I people watch and imagine their stories. Its how you learn to write relatable characters and its how I make myself feel safe in any given situation. And I don't do it by staring most people probably don't even know I'm watching them from the corner of my eye.
In just a few minutes I'm called back by a very young very friendly nurse. She mentions my haircut which surprises me because its been almost a month and I've been back to the clinic a half a dozen times and she's the first person to comment on it. It relaxes me and I find myself chattering back and forth about short hair vs long hair. Which was probably her exact intent. The dr comes in and tells me that today we're just doing an ultrasound and no bloodwork because quote 'it liiess'. Yeah he really did draw out the word lies. I kinda stared at him and he explained that letrozole would cause false readings. Oh well that makes a little  more sense then. The ultrasound is over quickly. And he tells me that I have three follicles making a go of it on my left ovary. The largest one of which is 12mm. He's not worried about my lining being thin because apparently it can't grow when you are on letrozole but it catches up quickly afterwards. However I seem to be responding very well and he's thinking of changing up my medications. They'll call me later for sure.
I get home and embark on yet another whirl wind cleaning expedition with my mom/chauffer. I can't help but wonder why I'm apparently not allowed to go to the drs office by myself. But oh well company :) . Today we're tackeling the office slash future baby's room. Which is by far the worst room in the house. It currently houses the litter box and has a very odd shape that has become a catch all for every piece of junk in my house not to mention that it also houses my insane collection of photography props. We worked on it for six hours. In the end we had a car load of stuff that went to Goodwill and another carload that went to the dump. But its clean and organized now. With all my prop stuff in brand new totes properly labeled and stacked out of the way. The carpet spotbot-ted in places that needed where my cats have ridiculously bad aim and vacummed. I can't wait til we do this remodel. I'm creating a cat closet just for them, complete with tiled floors, tiled lower walls, and a cat door so nobody has to look at or smell the litterbox but them. We'll also be adding in a closet and a shower and a vanity and ...well that's a story for another time I guess.
At 4:30 I got the call from the drs office to take my fourth dose of letrozole that night, but not the 5th dose the next night because they want me to start my injects. Also to come back in on Saturday morning for another ultrasound and bloodwork. Yikes! So I call my bff, who happens to be a surgical tech. She had in the past promised to help me with my injections. She answers the phone in walmart where she is shopping for supplies for her vacation. My heart drops. She proceeds to tell me they're going on a last minute spur of the moment 4 day vacation to see another one of her friends in Virginia and they're leaving in the morning. Crap, crap, crap. Looks like I'll be doing my injects on my own. My mom is rather pissed at her, my husband is definitely pissed, but I'm trying my best to understand. I don't expect her to drop everything and come running when I call. I am a little hurt that all of her talk of 'I'll do anything you need to help you out during all this, anything, just call' is kinda just smoke in the wind. But when it all comes down to it...I'm a big girl and I can do this myself dammnit. I don't need her to do it, or my dad, or my husband. I can do this...and tonight I will.
It feels like everything is moving so fast!

Here we go!

Here we are at the starting line. The pistol's been fired. Lets go.
Today was my baseline appointment and endometrial biopsy.
I got the all clear from the doctor to start my medicine, which for the next 5 nights consists of 7.5 mg of Letrozole. And for the next 14 mornings a half tablet of Dexamethason. DH also gets to start his zpack of antibiotics. Lucky guy 5 pills and he's done with his side of the prepping.
The endometrial biopsy was not fun. The nurse advised me ahead of time to take 800 mg of ibuprofen which at first I didn't think much of  til I looked at the bottle of ibuprofen on my counter. Those tablets are only 200mg and you're not supposed to exceed 400mg in like a six hour span. I immediately began wondering exactly how bad is this supposed to hurt!?
On top of that I was a little worried about getting a full bladder. Trivial worry right. Well I'm the kinda girl who can sip on a canned coke all...day...long. Too much liquid tends to make me burp alot and feel quite sickly. Turns out one full 20 oz gatorade and a canned coke equals a full bladder for me. I felt like I was going to get sick before I finished the gatorade but I only had an hour and a half to get to full bladder status. Now that I know the magic amount I'll be prepared come the next time a procedure calls for a full bladder.
Back to the biopsy. It does hurt. Quite a bit actually. For me it felt like my strongest, sharpest, menstrual cramp ever x5. Course I don't usually get menstrual cramps. Thankfully it only lasted maybe a minute and then the doc was more worried about getting my cervix to stop bleeding from the 'pinch marks' where he had to grab onto it apparently. Ugh. I didn't cramp anymore after that was finished. Doc told me that I was 'a strong woman'. Hmm really. Or do you just say that to all your obviously nervous patients.  Oh and that most likely that would be the worst pain up til actual childbirth in this whole process. Which hey, I'll take that!
Which by the way the biopsy isn't for pathology purposes. In fact they aren't even testing it at all. Apparently there are several studies out there that point to this procedure and a similar one called 'scratching' as increasing the rate of implantation. I think of it like pruning a tree or a bush. When you cut off small piece during the right time, the plant redoubles its growth effort and many times two limbs grow from the space where there used to be one. Make sense?
I go back for my first monitoring appointment on Thursday.
In the meantime I've been trying to clean house like crazy. I've been joking with the hubs that I'm 'nesting'. haha. This seems to be my way of being positive. A part of me is preparing for the worst outcomes, but the front I have to put out is cleaning house like a mad lady, a real deep cleaning like it hasn't seen since we moved in 5 years ago, so that it'll be easier to keep clean during pregnancy and closer to its ideal situation when a baby arrives. I don't really think I believe that spiel, but if it keeps people off my back and keeps my mind and body busy its worth every second. Right now I've got 3 out of 7 areas clean.
It is so hard to balance hope and fear right now. I feel like I have three modes right now. Full out psyched and excited, full out terrified, and right smack dab in the middle where I don't really feel anything. No mix.

Medication

Here it is my collection of medications and supplements for our IVF cycle.
I was excited when I opened the big package on my doorstep. The excitement waned a little halfway through and by the time I finished repacking everything I was on the verge of a panic attack. I went outside and sat on our porch swing and just breathed.
Before IF I was the kind of girl who never took anything, heck I didn't even take an ibuprofen or tylenol unless the pain was going to make me throw up. I never took drugs, I never smoked, I barely touched acholol. Aside from the junk food my body was a temple.  The thought of putting all of this in my body is terribly scary and I'll admit upsetting. I find myself constantly reminding my inner naturalist that all of this is necessary and more importantly worth it in the end if it gets us to our goal, our family.
At the moment I'm on 600 mg of CoQ10(2 300mg pills), 1 vitamin D pill a day, 2 folgard tablets, and my prenatal. I already feel slightly overwhelmed and I've barely even started. I haven't even got to the really scary stuff yet.
I have a little good news on that front. It would seem at the moment that my best friend is going to help me with my injections. She's a scrub tech and I remember the countless hours she practiced on an orange way back when she was still in school. Which is good because I am a little leery about jabbing myself with a sharp object.
Now I'm just waiting for CD1 to get this show on the road. It should be here literally any day now.
Oh one more thing slightly irked at my doctor who assured us that our meds would be well under a thousand dollars. Yeah right. 1700 and some change up there easy. He needs to know a little bit more about this stuff before throwing out estimations like that. If DH hadn't have gotten that new job and a bonus that extra 700 and something would have throwed me completely out of whack.

A little fun, a little sun

Well The 1st was my last day on the job. Yay me!.
The 4th was mine and my husband's 9th date-aversary. We celebrated by getting all fancied up and going to the Melting Pot for the first time. I was absolutely blown away. We had a wonderful time and the food was amazing. The experience itself was unlike anything either one of us had done before. We sat in a cozy romantic corner booth out of the way and shared an amazing four courses of decadence. Afterwards we snagged one of the local fireworks shows and headed home.
On the way we started to talking about vacations. Gatlinburg got tossed out, as well as the Keys.
By Saturday afternoon we'd finally made a decision and the plans were made to hop on down to Panama City Beach.
Sunday we left had an oh so yummy breakfast at Denny's and about 8 hours later we were on the beach playing in the surf and soaking up some rays. We ate at Pineapple Willy's that first night. That place is so overrated. Bleck. Definitely not going back. The next day we had Krispy Kreme donuts straight off the line (holy cow who knew fresh donuts tasted so damn good!) and then caught the shuttle to Shell Island. We spent about three maybe four hours in the surf, snorkeling and goofing off and then headed back to land. We had a great late lunch at Runaway Bay where they have this amazing sugar scrub in the bathrooms. Then petered around town looking in all the shops and  making plans for the evening. Evening brought some good times at the local Dave and Busters. I tried my hand at Fruit Ninja for the first time. It is subsequently now on my Kindle. But my favorite games are the oldies, the skeeball, the hoops, the clown throw, etc. Can't beat the classic carnival games. The next morning we opted out of mini golf in favor of getting a head start on home. By Tuesday night we were back in own beds and back to reality.
Boo Reality.
More Pictures coming as soon as we use up all the exposures on our waterproof camera til then...

Awesome when you can roll out of bed, open your door, and viola, Ocean!

Pretty ocean view

One cool honey!

Insanely bad luck or could it be good?

I don't know anymore.
It's like a picture I saw on my favorite facebook group, I'm tired of blessings coming in disguise. If I were a blessing I'd wear a big neon flashing sign around my neck.
On Sunday we got into a car accident. Yes, another one though this time I was 'priveleged' to be along for the ride. We went a town over to go to the cheap movie theatre, the one where you can get tickets, two drinks, a bag of popcorn, and a box of candy for twenty bucks. It's totally worth the drive, even if it is about an hour away. We took the new car. Yes the new car, the one we got less than a week and a half ago. We ate at Applebee's before the movie and at 6:40 we left to make the ticket line. We're sitting at a red light two to three cars in front of us, I'm playing candy crush on his phone, because well apparently I'm addicted to the stupid little game and can't go five minutes without playing it. He looks into his rearview and suddenly shouts 'oh shit' while simultaneously smashing down on the pedal and attempting to swerve around the car in front of us. Before I could do much more than put both feet on the floorboard, there's the jolt, crunch, sound of shattering glass, squeal of tires. I admit I went rather ape shit and started screaming expletives at the top of my lungs. I was so angry I wanted to crawl though the now non-existent back window. I mean its a brand new f'ing car. We get out and see the gigantic red pickup truck that rammed us. Then we see the bumper, or rather lack there of. Oh, there it is about 15-20 feet back in the middle of the road along with the rear window. I walk around the side of the car and just start sobbing. The whole back end on the driver's side is crushed in, almost into the tires. I notice a cop walking up and I'm like how the hell did he get here so fast. Apparently it's an off duty highway patrol man who just happened to be in a car in the lane over from us and saw the whole thing.
I am so thankful for my husband's quick reflexes. If the truck had hit us dead on, as it would have if DH hadn't noticed them barreling towards us in the rearview, this would be a whole different story. There's no doubt in my mind that we would have been injured. We would have hit the cars in front of us. I am incredibly thankful that as of the moment it appears neither of us were really hurt, though I can't be sure. My knee hurt yesterday, my lower back almost at my tailbone hurts today unless I'm standing/sitting straight up. I'm hoping both of these things will go away soon. He appears for the most part uninjured at all.
We took the car to a body shop today and it looks like its totaled. *sigh* Two vehicles in three weeks gone...just gone. I just don't know what to do anymore.
On a few different notes...
Today was my last day of work. I am so happy to be out of there and to have a little quiet time before the craziness coming our way.
My mock transfer went well.
I picked up some of meds for our cycle today as well. Valium, Estrace, something for nausea?, and antibiotics. They also recommended I start taking 600 mg of CoQ10 as well, so I got that too. I pick up the steriods tomorrow. Apparently the rest are already ordered, even the stuff from Freedom Fertility. It makes this very very real.  

It's really happening now

I almost can't believe that after this long of a wait that we're finally moving forward. It seems so surreal. I've 'known' for over a year and 3 months that IVF was our only option. I 'knew' it after Dh's first SA. A small part of me suspected it a while before that. To know where we would eventually end up and still have to go this long has been tortuous but while I knew and accepted the inevitibility of our situation sometimes it takes other people longer to catch up. Dh was one of those people. And now, we're almost there. One more cycle between me and the end of the proverbial road.
Today I had my SIS or saline sonogram, got some blood taken, did the nurse education class, and paid for our IVF cycle (excepting meds).  Since Dr. Murray wasn't available today I saw Dr. Scotchie again. The SIS wasn't at all what I was expecting as far as discomfort levels. It hurt less than a regular pap smear which was honestly quite a relief and I didn't cramp at all. Dr. Scotchie showed me my 'perfect' and 'cooperative' uterus on the screen though in most situations it just looked like a black blob to me. I'll take her word for it. Then with a big smile she said 'the home is ready and waiting.' I couldn't help but smile back.
I took my mother with me this time when I visited the clinic simply because a. its a long ass drive down there and b. I didn't know how I would react to the SIS . She stayed with me for the whole appointment and as we were going through the nurse education class I think the severity and complexity of the situation finally hit her. I've tried to explain it to her before but it wasn't until the nurse started going over my meds list and how to mix and give myself shots that you could see it truly dawning on her. She seemed almost over whelmed even though I was prepared to hear just about everything the nurse had to say thanks to my wonderfully amazing internet friends.
I can't even imagine how much more overwhelmed she would have been if we were doing conventional IVF instead of Natural/Mini.
Then the blood draw which was way better than the last time. No bruise!
Then it was time to pay for our cycle. That stung quite a bit more than the blood draw. All that money, all that time, all that pain from working, all of it gone in a matter of seconds with no guarantee that I'll have anything to show for it in the end. But maybe I will and if that's the case its more than worth it.
I've got eight hundred dollars left in the fund with the option to put maybe another 4 in when my final paychecks hit. It should be more than enough to pay for my final meds. Dr. Murray suggested I save at least 500 for them and that by saving a thousand I should be more than covered.
This is happening. Holy crap.
When we got in the car to go home my mom just sorta rested her hands on the steering wheel and with this fierce scowl says "I hate Phil right now." I just laughed. I know she doesn't mean it. All she sees is HER baby going through something terribly invasive, painful, and emotionally distressing.
When we finally parted ways for the day she hugged me extra tight big shiny eyes and said quietly into my hair, 'I wish you didn't have to go through this.' Yeah me too, mom. But this is life, my life in particular.
Well tonight is an overnight at work. My last overnight!! Whoohoo. But having gotten up at 5:30 this morning with only a three hour nap this afternoon I expect it to be one heck of a night. Boo. But it's the last one. And then there's only three more working days til I'm free!

MIA

So I didn't realize exactly how long it had been since I updated anyone about anything. So if you're ready to jump into this roller coaster that's been my life here it goes. Strap yourself in for a long ride.
When last we talked we were waiting for our follow up with the RE.
It did not go well. We found out through my genetic testing that I have a MTHFR Deficiency which puts us at 3 times the risk of having a child with some sort of defect since I apparently do not process folic acid in the way I should. We also found out that I'm a carrier for a blood clotting disease and that its one of the diseases where just being a carrier puts you at risk. The dr recommended a speciality folate pill to combat the first problem and said that in the event of success he would put me on some sort of blood thinner for the entirety of my pregnancy to combat the risk of the other. Getting pregnant no longer seems the only problem ahead of us. Then he went on to discuss DH's results. No he does not have retrograde. No his count didn't improve at all. He thinks perhaps that DH might have a chromosomal abnormality. In which case our chances of a healthy embryo are in 1 in 6. 1 in 6! We're only doing Natural IVF we'll be lucky if we get 2 eggs much less more than one embryo! Crushed can only describe that moment. So we sent his blood out for a karotype test and decided that in the event that it came back abnormal we would give up on ttc. It would be over.
I had a rough couple of days after that even went home from work the first day cause I couldn't handle it. I moped around, I got angry, and then I got better. I started to make peace. We talked about how we would use the money in the bank for other things. I started trying to plan for a life without kids. I found my peace again. In my head I'd already decided that the karotype would come back abnormal because there has to be a reason for Dh's issues. For the next three weeks that feeling only grew. I had reached a place where I was ready and willing to move on with our lives.
A few days before the three week mark DH came home and surprised me with an offer letter from his work. He got this massive promotion! So very happy on so many levels. Things are finally looking up for us. With the new position he'll bring home more by himself than we were both bringing home before.
A few days later the clinic called with his karotype results. They're normal. I'm floored and surprised and unsure of what to do. And sadly not as happy as I should have been. I felt like for a little bit I stepped off the roller coaster and this news thrust me right back on again. For a little bit I found me again instead of the ttc obsessed lady I had become over the past two years. I was a little loathe to go back. But I'm in it for the long haul so I called the clinic back and received instructions to call with my next period.
A few days after that I got my orthotics for my foot. They freaking hurt! So bad. Not the relief I was hoping for but the Dr. assured me I just need to break them in.On the fourth, fifth, and sixth day of wearing them I stalled out at four hours. I could not bring myself to wear them for even an hour more even though on the sixth day I'm supposed to be up to six hours.
Around the first of this month we thought we had his old car sold. In fact he had the money in hand for a few hours. They called back and wanted a refund since the car was suddenly exhibiting transmission issues. We, being good people, agreed and went to pick it up. The car barely made it back to the house. Stupid kid must have rode it awfully damn hard to cause that kind of reaction in a few hours.
On the 9th I got an emergency call at work. It was DH he'd been in a car wreck. I flew out of that place like a bat out of hell. I thought of all the horrible things that could have happened. I thought about how alone I would be without him. When I saw his truck sticking out of a three foot deep ditch like a demented candle on a birthday cake I thought I would lose it. But there DH was just standing on the side of the road laughing and joking with his favorite mechanic. Dh was fine. The truck was totaled. I became insanely grateful that we hadn't sold the old car because DH had planned to take full coverage off the truck if he had. And I became grateful that the kid tore up the car because if he hadn't DH would have been driving it instead and the little bitty sports car would not have held up like the truck did. I began to call the past week a blessing in disguise.
The next day I put in my two week notice at work. We're down to one vehicle and his new job is way more important than my piddly one that causes me constant pain, plus now that we know we're going ahead with IVF I sincerely don't think my bitch of a boss would be very accommodating with the sudden changes in my schedule. My last day will be the 1st of July. I called my family and arranged to borrow one of their extra cars in the meantime.
On the 12th I go to pick up my temporary ride. My father's baby, his silver stick shift convertible. Ehh. On the way we get a call from the insurance which up until this point has been less than stellar to work with. They're paying off the truck and cutting us a check. For 11,000 dollars! Holy crap. We only paid 7,000 for the truck two years ago. Wow. Just wow. I'm definitely on my blessing in disguise kick now since DH wasn't hurt.
Over the next week I drive my dad's car back and forth to work and on errands. Which getting groceries in a baby sports car is like playing tetris. I hate how impatient people are and how close they get on your ass especially on a hill. I kill that poor car at least once or twice almost every day I drive it just trying to get free of a stop light. Never realized how many hills there are in this little town. Nervous freaking wreck over here. It's been over ten years since last I drove a stick.
The day before yesterday the check for the truck arrives. Dh immediately runs out and buys another vehicle. A 2012 Nissan Sentra with 30k miles on it. It's worth about 5k more than he gets it for.
Yesterday was CD1. I called the clinic and set up my saline sonogram, ivf labs, nurse education class (Also called how to stick yourself), dh's ivf labs and a mock transfer. Whew.  The first part of which will be on Thursday. Which will be one hell of a day since I'll have to go to the clinic early in the morning and then work an overnight (my last overnight!) at work. The second part will be on the following Monday. And then and then it will be a waiting game til I start my period again. AND THEN we'll be cycling! Eeek! Moving forward again.

So to make a very long story short I had more than  a few good reasons for being MIA lately. And if you stuck around to read all of that and catch up with me...thank you.

A Little Update

We've being having internet difficulties so I haven't been able to jump on here and update as often as I might have liked lately.
So the quick rundown...
Dh went for his testing almost two weeks back. The RE office has decided to keep the results tight-lipped so I'm assuming that they're bad and are waiting to tell me in person.
My first ever monitoring appointment went well. The vag cam was not a horrible as I had imagined it to be, in fact pap smears hurt so much worse. The RE on call that day was not the doctor we originally saw but his partner. I found I liked her almost as much as I liked the original dr, so all in all I feel pretty confident I'm in good hands no matter the day. She said I had ' a lot of eggs' and she said in kinda a surprised tone of voice. Which naturally confuses me. Perhaps she meant follicles, since aren't we supposed to only grow and release one maybe two unless otherwise medicated?
We still haven't gotten the results back on my Counsyl testing, but I'm hoping that will be in soon.
But I did receive a note from my doctor saying that the results from the other testing was back and that we had an outstanding prognosis from an egg production standpoint. Whoop, I guess?
The blood draw hurt like a mother for some reason and now a little over a week later I still have a big nasty purple and green bruise in the crook of my elbow. It will surprise me greatly if it is gone completely by my next appointment.
Which by the way is scheduled for Monday. We go back in to go over all the results and to get our plan of action.
Dh and I have already decided to go with Natural Cycle IVF since we really can't afford the full blown variety, and I refuse to get a loan. The idea of writing a check every month if it should fail is in and of itself already so depressing, I refuse to consider it. We're hoping that the RE will let us do a slightly altered version of Natural IVF with clomid, so it would kinda sorta be Mini IVF and that that type of protocol wouldn't raise the price too much. I would really like to have more than one harvestable egg, to up our chances. The way I see it once you get a transferable embryo the chance for it to take is really no less than regular IVF its the getting that embryo that drags the NCIVF stats way down.
Switching gears really quickly, as far as my foot goes, the pain has almost moved back into the realm of background noise even though we're still waiting for the orthotics to come in. Heck I'm still waiting for the confirmation that the orthotics will even be made. We'll see.

One final IF related note.
I got really angry at a Regions radio commercial the other day. It started off innocuously enough talking about a kitchen remodel. Which eventually moved into homemade baby food. Which wasn't that bad. It was the slight pause after the mention of homemade baby food and the statement 'Move your life forward' that just flew all over me.
I also teared up at the Publix mother's day commercial, the one with the mother and daughter making pinwheels and the daughter talks to the belly. Gah!
And I had a mini tantrum in private at what seemed like the 100th mention of mother's day over the radio station that we play at the store.
I just want to keep the tv off for the rest of weekend and avoid as much of this mother's day crap as possible.

Our first vist

Today was our first visit to the RE.
I was so nervous this morning as we headed out for our hour and a half drive. We meet up with a cousin of mine in Chattanooga and had a late breakfast with him and his beautiful almost 2 year old daughter. We had decided to see them before the appointment because I knew without a doubt I wouldn't be in the right frame of mind afterwards. No less than three people mis-identified me as her mommy at the restaurant. So much so in fact that even after being told twice what meal went on what ticket somehow my husband's got separated from mine and my meal wound up on my cousin's tab. So very glad I had the foresight to do our little meet up before instead of after, as those are the little things that sting. However it was still nice seeing them, I haven't visited in almost a year. The wee little one is growing up beautifully and is so smart and advanced in comparison to my niece. She can count to 5, sing Old McDonald and the Itsy Bitsy spider, identify her colors and shapes, and sing the first part of her ABC's. Just a brilliant little girl.
After breakfast and our little visit we headed down to the clinic and waited for them to open back up, because it was apparently lunch time. The clinic wasn't quite what I expected but the ladies at the front desk were really nice. I thought it was pretty cool when they took our pictures to put on the charts. After a little paperwork the nurse got my weight and blood pressure which was apparently perfect. Surprising considering I had sweaty clammy palms. Dh kept trying to make jokes and be chipper. I just wanted him to be quiet while we waited for the Dr.
After a little while they ushered us back to Dr. Murray's office. He seems friendly, very personable, not at all rigid or stiff. He went over the testing we'd already had done and said that it seemed like everything was okay with me so far. Little sigh of relief there. But of course he wants to redo some of the testing and add in a few more of his own, which I understand since all those tests are already over a year old now. We talked very in depth about DH's issues and his hormone levels and his previous SA's and about how the male body works. He explained how IUI works and IVF which honestly yeah I didn't need that little refresher course. He very briefly glossed over the costs for a Natural Cycle IVF and for a Conventional IVF. I mean briefly. NCIVF would be 4,500 a cycle. IVF we're looking at 15k. Ugh. A little higher than I originally anticipated. But before he would go into any kind of depth with me about their IVF programs he wants to rule out retrograde ejaculation as the cause of our MFI. Retrograde ejaculation is where all or a portion of the ejaculate goes into the bladder instead of out into the world like its supposed to. He said that all the hormones are there and he should be at peak sperm making capacity right now. And that, ooo something I didn't have a clue about!, if they found alot of semen in his urine that it could be washed and used for an IUI. Also that retrograde ejaculation is highly treatable.
The plan as of this moment.... Dh will be taking sodium bicarbonate tablets (isn't that just baking soda?) to alkalize his urine to get it the correct ph for sperm to live. Then using test strips (I find it mildly funny that DH gets a turn at peeing in a cup, lol) he'll check to see when it gets there. Then he'll schedule an SA. Travel down to the clinic. And give them two samples, one of semen and the other of urine. They will wash them both and get the results. As for me I'm supposed to call in at CD1 and schedule my next slew of blood testing. FSH, Estradiol, and AMH and an ultrasound for antral follicle count. We've also decided to do the Counsyl genetic testing on both of us at this time.
If Dh does have retrograde ejaculation we'll start treatment for that in hopes of 'getting pregnant at home' as the doctor said several times. If he doesn't, the Dr. recommended we do karyotyping on DH to rule out a chromosomal defect which would be hereditary and untreatable. Not sure if we'd go that route or not.     
But at any rate that was it. We were there for about 2 hours. I was surprised and little disappointed that we didn't get to cover all my questions but oddly enough at the same time a little bit relieved that Dr. Murray didn't push IVF immediately. He did say that if we choose that route we could cycle in as little as two weeks, after the decision depending on the arrival of Cd1. So there's that.

It's official ...I'm an old lady :0

So my appointment with the foot doctor went well, surprisingly well actually.
I liked him. He listened well. Was firm but not rough. And he explained himself well without dropping too deep into the technical jargon end of the swimming pool.
The pain on my bunion (which by the way definitely isn't your run of the mill bunion if my freaky looking xrays are to be believed) is, he thinks, get this, gout! I just about dropped through the floor when he said it. I mean really...really!? A. I'm too damn young to have gout B. I don't eat hardly anything on the list that causes gout C . I'm pretty darn active and  D. I'm too damn young to have gout! Sorry that one deserved reiterating. He said that it was very rare for a woman my age to have it, but all signs, pictures, etc pointed in that direction. Bleck.
He dubbed the worst of my current pain as peroneal tendonitis and the stiffness as soft tissue/muscle damage. He gave me two options. Wear this little padded bit under my foot for two weeks to see if that helps at all or wear The Boot. Guess which one I chose? Apparently the little padded bit will tell him if I am a good candidate for orthotics which would take the work load off that tendon which would in turn help with the other damage since my foot and ankle wouldn't be over compensating anymore. He said there was a 60% chance that a simple orthotic would work.  He said that the boot would definitely help but once I took it off I'd likely go right back into pain.
So here's the current plan. Wear the padded bit for two weeks, pay very close attention to my pain levels. Then if it has helped at all, get casted for orthotics. If it hasn't helped or it hurts worse, it'll either be the boot or an AFO. He thinks an articulated AFO would be best for me at the moment. If that doesn't work, surgery. Honestly I'll quit my job before I get that far.
He did say that I needed to prepare myself for surgery probably one way or another. He expects that by the time I'm 40 or 50 it'll be a necessity. I really really hope he's wrong, and I can beat those odds and live a nice long active surgery free life.
One doc visit down, one to go. Now that its out of the way I can feel myself getting really nervous about our RE consultation.

I love my kitty but...

...Seriously this morning I could have killed her.


She looks sweet and innocent but don't be fooled, she's plotting her nefarious deeds as we speak.

Picture this it's a little after 6am. I wake up for work after hitting the alarm clock a few times and drag myself into the laundry room to get my clothes out of the dryer. Before I ever begin I feed the cats. I know they're hungry. They flood in and get to eating. I start pulling clothes out the dryer. I get about halfway through when suddenly out of the blue Claire goes absolutely freaking spastic. You know how when cats get surprised on hardwood floors their little legs just go everywhere as they try to take off. You know that scrabbling sound as the claws dig into the floor. Okay imagine that on my bad f-ing foot. The pain was pretty intense, more so than it probably should have been. And that early in the morning as soon as I looked down and saw all the blood I started bawling. Just out right huge crocodile tears as I pitifully and somewhat stupidly ask her why why would she hurt me like that. As if she's going to open that fuzzy little mouth and go, 'Well Cindal it's like this..." After I calmed down enough to stop sobbing I got angry. She knew it. She went into the bedroom and hopped up next to DH and started purring, "Look at me I'm cute, I'm innocent, see?" Uh-uh wasn't buying it. So Dh got awakened by Claire getting a rump swat by a crazy crying lady in the wee hours of the morn. After that Claire gave up on the innocent act and did what she should have done in the first place, hide. I cleaned the gouges, put ointment on them, but couldn't get them to stop bleeding before I had to put on my shoe and go to work. Ouch, ouch, ouch.
She would of course pick three days before I'm supposed to go to the foot doctor to do this. It's like she freaking knows. It's my wedding day all over again in that aspect. To make sense of that here's a short flashback.
 2 Days before my wedding. Playing video games trying not to stress, Claire's asleep on my chest. She wakes up and decides to move to the bed, but instead of hopping down and hopping back up she takes the short cut. Up my chest and over my shoulder. Her foot slips and cuts a 7 inch long slice from my collarbone into my cleavage. My wedding dress had a corset top. I managed to mostly cover it up with makeup but it stung like a mother since it hadn't completely scabbed over by the day. I wasn't that mad then. I knew it was an accident. This morning...there was no rhyme or reason for behavior, no excuse.
So now I'm sure the foot doctor is going to be concentrating on my 'mauling' instead of what actually needs attention and I'll have to explain what happened and get lectured on the proper way to take care of a wound blah blah blah. As if this situation wasn't difficult enough. As if I didn't have enough foot pain. Stupid Cat.

Check it, the damage as of this evening. Small cut on my big toe. Puncture in the middle upper area. Three very long cat gouges from the center to the edge, the middle one is pretty darn deep. On the up side just a little bit of bruising left on the outside of the big toe, and on the knot(which rebruised on friday thanks to a 14 hr shift)

Questions

I'm trying to come up with our list of questions to ask the RE at our consult. The few sites I've found proclaiming to be guidebooks aren't very helpful, at least not to me. I already know that we will have to do some form of IVF due to the severe MFI. That's a given. I know that they prefer single embryo transfers. So this is my list so far...

• Do you offer clinical trials? What are the requirements for participation? What is the likilhood that the trail will be cancelled?
• 3 or 5 day transfers?
• Difference between Natural, Mini, and Conventional IVF? Are we a candidate for all three varities?  Do you practice all three at this clinic?
• Judging by our previous testing what problems do you forsee?
• What tests will need to be repeated?
• If we proceed directly to IVF will I need to have an HSG since my tubes are not in play?
• What additional testing will be required?
• Do you ‘batch’ cycle?
• What would you envision our success rate to be?
• Do you cancel an IVF cycle if the patient produces less than so many follicles?
• Do you have a self-pay or pre-pay discount?
• Do you freeze eggs or embryos?
• What is your Fresh vs Frozen rate?
• Do you use vitrification?
• How much does it cost to freeze?
• Looking to cycle in July or August. What would be our plan of action/calendar?
• Cost of one cycle with drugs?
• How much monitoring will be required?
• Is there a way to have monitoring done at a different location?

I'm also thinking of creating like a table to put all the info about the three types of IVF together. Maybe something like this...

	Natural Ivf	Mini Ivf	Conventional Ivf
Total Cost
Success Rates
Drugs/Protocol
Minimum Monitoring Visits
Recommended
Number of Eggs expected

 Help me build my list of questions,  pretty please with sugar on top?
I want to make the most out of this visit.